Daily Laughter

Good start to a Tuesday Morning, are you sitting comfortably, then shall we begin..

(You will be sorry he he he.)

What did the tie say to the hat?

You go on ahead and I'll hang around!

What did the picture say to the wall?

I've got you covered!

What is the best thing to take into the desert?

A thirst aid kit!

Who was the first underwater spy?

James Pond!

What is hairy and coughs?

A coconut with a cold!

What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?

An Unidentified Frying Object!

Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?

So he could loaf around!

They do get better honestly

Too old to be young

Too young to be old

Too old for Armani

Too young for a cardie

Too old for flash trainers

Too young for carpet slippers

Too old to work

Too young to retire

Too old to be cool

Too young to be wise

Too old to dare

Too young to care

Too old to mention

To young for a pension

Too old to be a lager lout

Too young to be a saga lout -

I’m in my middle years now

And my new car is a wow

It’s fast, new and sporty

Just the opposite of me

It is sleekly lined

With its curves well defined

It has a nice interior

The leather is quite superior

My only complaint would be

The bucket seats you see

As they are made to the design

Of a smaller bucket than mine -

A Measured Reflection

When I was young

I was broad minded

And narrow hipped

Now I’m middle aged

My proportions

Appear to have flipped

She cook’s and cleans

And keep’s things neat

And with five in the house That’s no mean feat

There’s just one question Though that has me beat

Tell me why can she never

Work the toilet seat -

Does my bum look big in this?

Well is the answer no or yes

Actually you have a big bum So stop blaming it on the dress -

Despite winning twenty million pound

My feet are still firmly on the ground

So I am the same despite my good news

But I am wearing much better shoes -

Early Monday morning, the postman rang my bell,

Delivery for Mr Scratchmann, your computer stuff from Dell.

Early Tuesday morning the postman hammered on my door,

Morning, Max, he chirruped, here’s the boards for your new floor.

Early Wednesday morning, he shook me rough from sleep,

You knitting a new jumper, Max? Look, I’ve brought your sheep!

Early Thursday morning he rattled my old latch,

Get out and fix your leaky roof, I’ve brought your brand new thatch!

Early Friday morning he just threw me from my bed,

Here’s you pet iguana, Max, I think the bugger’s dead!

But on Saturday I was ready, up quite early and awake,

When the postman handed to me a three-pillared wedding cake.

So on Sunday I was tired and quite ready to sleep in,

When his voice cried, Overtime, Max, where do want this wheely bin.

Radiator guy won’t you come out tonight,

My heart is cold, my head is light,

Come let the water through my system,

Heat my pipes, catalogue them, list them,

Stoke my boiler, clank my chain,

Make my heating work again.

There is a natural order in life

There are rules to be understood

For example bearing children

There is a time limit on motherhood

The term “child bearing years”

Was coined for a very simple reason

So that everything in life

Can have its time and season

A Woman over fifty is ill equipped

To show a baby proper care

As she would put the baby down

And then forget where -

1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.

3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.

4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

6. Never answer an anonymous letter.

7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.

8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.

10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.

11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?

12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?

15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.

17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.

20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?

21. Nuke the Whales.

22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.

23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.

28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?

31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:

Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?

Little Johnny : SIX.

Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?

Little Johnny : SEVEN!

Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?

Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.

"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"

"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.

Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "with whom?"

"With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently,"don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!".

One day a nursery school teacher saysto the class, "Who can use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?

A little girl jumps up and says...

"The sky is definitely blue!"

The teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can also be gray, or orange..."

A little boy quickly says...

"Trees are definitely green!"

Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the trees change colour..."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says,"Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"Then I have DEFINITELY sh1t my pants!" ( Sorry I had to slip this one in my turn for a laugh)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back.

I bet he felt like an idiot.

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.

In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!

How many of these do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.

Ignition switches on the dashboard.

Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.

Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.

Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?

Ferry tales!

Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?

Because the poor have nothing worth taking!

Who invented fractions?

Henry the 1/8!

What's an insect's favourite sport?

Cricket!

What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?

A minnie van!

Is this a second hand shop?

Yes Sir Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!

How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?

By flood lighting!

Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.

Your age ratings is at the bottom.

Candy cigarettes

Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes

Home milk delivery in glass bottles

Party lines on the telephone

Newsreels before the movie

TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]).

Peashooters

45 RPM records

Wash tub wringers

Hi-fi's

Metal ice trays with lever

Blue flashbulb

Cork popguns

Ford Zephyrs

If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young

If you remembered 4-6 = You are getting older

If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,

If you remembered 11-14 = You're older than dirt!

That's it friends

Hope you enjoyed daily laughs

Breath Easy my friends

Have a Great Tuesday and the sun shines brightly

Berwick xxx

15 Replies

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  • happy tuesday berwick, I enjoyed your laughs this early morning.

    anna xx

  • Have a great tuesday too Thanks for the laughs, and reminding me the test card existed I had forgotten about that Used to stare at it when I was little to see if the little girl would ever move hehehe Love julie x xx x

  • Got up with the birds this morning, still not the first to wish Berwick a happy Tuesday, will have to try harder. Very dull and dark and not very warm in Shrops.

    Lib x

  • It's iffy in Wales Libby. Can't make it's mind up what it's going to do

    Berwick. xxx

  • Oh and forgot - thanks for the jokes, quite a few this morning Berwick

    xxx

  • Where do you get them from?

  • That would be telling now wouldn't Berwick xxx

  • good morning Berwick. Your, how many can you remember? has started me thinking, which in itself is a good thing first thing in the morning as it seems I'm in the ..'.older than dirt', category.

    How about phone boxes with A and B buttons, which gave you change if you didn't talk long enough to use up the 2 pennies you put in in the first place??

  • and Tuesday's selection is right on par - thanks for making the effort to keep our spirits up - I appreciate it ! :) xx

  • Needed that to-day thanks. :) :)

  • Lovely memories, lovely smiles .... I remember my Dad's Zephyr, it was racing green. Am I getting old, I remember all of those .... again, you've surpassed yourself bringing a laugh, a thought provoker and a memory jogger :) :) :)

    More power to your writing, well done Graeme

    Sandra x x x

  • I was feeling a bit low then I started reading your jokes, its the first time I have had a belly laugh for ages. Well done that man/woman a coconut.

  • That should be give that man a coconut.

  • Last time i looked yes i am a man. I am here every day to brighten up your day . Berwick xx

  • Good thanks x

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