Good start to a Tuesday Morning, are you sitting comfortably, then shall we begin..
(You will be sorry he he he.)
What did the tie say to the hat?
You go on ahead and I'll hang around!
What did the picture say to the wall?
I've got you covered!
What is the best thing to take into the desert?
A thirst aid kit!
Who was the first underwater spy?
What is hairy and coughs?
A coconut with a cold!
What do you call a foreign body in a chip pan?
An Unidentified Frying Object!
Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
So he could loaf around!
They do get better honestly
Too old to be young
Too young to be old
Too old for Armani
Too young for a cardie
Too old for flash trainers
Too young for carpet slippers
Too old to work
Too young to retire
Too old to be cool
Too young to be wise
Too old to dare
Too young to care
Too old to mention
To young for a pension
Too old to be a lager lout
Too young to be a saga lout -
I’m in my middle years now
And my new car is a wow
It’s fast, new and sporty
Just the opposite of me
It is sleekly lined
With its curves well defined
It has a nice interior
The leather is quite superior
My only complaint would be
The bucket seats you see
As they are made to the design
Of a smaller bucket than mine -
A Measured Reflection
When I was young
I was broad minded
And narrow hipped
Now I’m middle aged
Appear to have flipped
She cook’s and cleans
And keep’s things neat
And with five in the house That’s no mean feat
There’s just one question Though that has me beat
Tell me why can she never
Work the toilet seat -
Does my bum look big in this?
Well is the answer no or yes
Actually you have a big bum So stop blaming it on the dress -
Despite winning twenty million pound
My feet are still firmly on the ground
So I am the same despite my good news
But I am wearing much better shoes -
Early Monday morning, the postman rang my bell,
Delivery for Mr Scratchmann, your computer stuff from Dell.
Early Tuesday morning the postman hammered on my door,
Morning, Max, he chirruped, here’s the boards for your new floor.
Early Wednesday morning, he shook me rough from sleep,
You knitting a new jumper, Max? Look, I’ve brought your sheep!
Early Thursday morning he rattled my old latch,
Get out and fix your leaky roof, I’ve brought your brand new thatch!
Early Friday morning he just threw me from my bed,
Here’s you pet iguana, Max, I think the bugger’s dead!
But on Saturday I was ready, up quite early and awake,
When the postman handed to me a three-pillared wedding cake.
So on Sunday I was tired and quite ready to sleep in,
When his voice cried, Overtime, Max, where do want this wheely bin.
Radiator guy won’t you come out tonight,
My heart is cold, my head is light,
Come let the water through my system,
Heat my pipes, catalogue them, list them,
Stoke my boiler, clank my chain,
Make my heating work again.
There is a natural order in life
There are rules to be understood
For example bearing children
There is a time limit on motherhood
The term “child bearing years”
Was coined for a very simple reason
So that everything in life
Can have its time and season
A Woman over fifty is ill equipped
To show a baby proper care
As she would put the baby down
And then forget where -
1. Ninety-nine percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
2. Borrow money from a pessimist -- they don't expect it back.
3. Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
4. Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
5. I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
6. Never answer an anonymous letter.
7. It's lonely at the top; but you do eat better.
8. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
9. Always go to other people's funerals, or they won't go to yours.
10. Few women admit their age; few men act it.
11. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made with meat?
12. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
13. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
14. We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
15. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
16. Campers: Nature's way of feeding mosquitoes.
17. Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.
18. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
19. There are three kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
20. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
21. Nuke the Whales.
22. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it.
23. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
24. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
25. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
26. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
27. Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
28. Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
29. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
30. You can't have everything; where would you put it?
31. I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
32. Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : Let's try this another way. If Igive you two bottles of beer, and twobottles of beer, and another two bottles of beer, how many bottles of beer have you got?
Little Johnny : SIX.
Tester : Good! Now, if I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : How on Earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Little Johnny: I've already got one rabbit at home!
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.
"Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," replied Little Johnny.
Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "with whom?"
"With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently,"don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!".
One day a nursery school teacher saysto the class, "Who can use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?
A little girl jumps up and says...
"The sky is definitely blue!"
The teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can also be gray, or orange..."
A little boy quickly says...
"Trees are definitely green!"
Teacher replies, "Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the trees change colour..."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says,"Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"Then I have DEFINITELY sh1t my pants!" ( Sorry I had to slip this one in my turn for a laugh)
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive casement type with shutters. Today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.
Hellloo............ Just because I have fair hair doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!
Hellloo? It's been a year! I told him. There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.
He never called back.
I bet he felt like an idiot.
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle.
In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old!
How many of these do you remember?
Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.
What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
Why did Robin Hood only steal from the rich?
Because the poor have nothing worth taking!
Who invented fractions?
Henry the 1/8!
What's an insect's favourite sport?
What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A minnie van!
Is this a second hand shop?
Yes Sir Good. Can you fit one to my watch then please!
How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
By flood lighting!
Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about.
Your age ratings is at the bottom.
Coffee shops with tableside juke boxes
Home milk delivery in glass bottles
Party lines on the telephone
Newsreels before the movie
TV test patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again in the morning (there were only 3 channels [if you were fortunate]).
45 RPM records
Wash tub wringers
Metal ice trays with lever
If you remembered 0-3 = You're still young
If you remembered 4-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 11-14 = You're older than dirt!
That's it friends
Hope you enjoyed daily laughs
Breath Easy my friends
Have a Great Tuesday and the sun shines brightly