Daily Laughter

A song is not a song unless it’s heard,

A tune is just a tune without a word,

and yet a million forests ring with sound;

it seems that no one told this to the birds.

They fail to recognise they are absurd,

sing on in joy despite what we propound;

A song is not a song unless it’s heard,

A tune is just a tune without a word.

I think perhaps I’d rather be a bird

and fly in thermals high above the ground

to voice my song untrammelled and unbound

by this conceit and so be undeterred:

A song is not a song unless it’s heard.

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees."Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

The teacher said Frank you are late again!

Why are you always Late? Frank said it's the sign miss

The teacher said what sign? Frank said the one down the road

It says SCHOOL AHEAD GO SLOW

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy" yelled the customer, "sticking your thumb in my steak?!"

"What" answers the waiter, "You prefer it fell on the floor again?"

Q: What goes up and down but does not move?

A: Stairs

Q: Where should a 500 pound alien go?

A: On a diet

Q: What did one toilet say to the other?

A: You look a bit flushed.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?

A: Because it was framed.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?

A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?

A: Write on!

Q: What do you call a boy named Lee that no one talks to?

A: Lonely

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?

A: A towel.

Q: Why do bicycles fall over?

A: Because they are two-tired!

Q: Why do dragons sleep during the day?

A: So they can fight knights!

Q: What did Cinderella say when her photos did not show up?

A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: Why was the broom late?

A: It over swept!

Q: What part of the car is the laziest?

A: The wheels, because they are always tired!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: What is blue and goes ding dong?

A: An Avon lady at the North Pole!

Q: We're you long in the hospital?

A: No, I was the same size I am now!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: What did the laundryman say to the impatient customer?

A: Keep your shirt on!

Q: What's the difference between a TV and a newspaper?

A: Ever tried swatting a fly with a TV?

Excuse Me??!

You're so fat your belly button has an echo!!!!

beat that!!!!!!!!

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

*If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

*If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.

*Indecision is the key to flexibility.

*One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.

*Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.

*The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.

*The more you run over a cat, the flatter it gets.

*There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

*Things are more like they are today than they ever were before.

*By the time you make ends meet, they move the ends.

So far today, God, I've done all right. I haven't gossiped, haven't lost my temper, haven't been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish, or over-indulgent. I'm really glad about that.

But in a few minutes, God, I'm going to get out of bed and from then on I'm probably going to need a lot more help.

Thank you.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A day without sunshine is like…, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

OK,….. so what’s the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Monday is a dreadful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

The neighbors thought it was odd, but 93 year old Morton was dating again. One Monday morning Morton woke up with a funny feeling that something important happened last night. It was during breakfast, that Morton finally remembered what it was. He had proposed to his date Greta. But what she answered he just couldn’t seem to remember. Morton picked up the phone and dialed. ”Hi Greta”, said Morton, “I have a funny question for you, do you remember last night when I proposed?” ”Oh my gosh” gushed Greta, “I’m so glad you called, I knew I said yes to somebody but I just couldn’t recall who it was!”

Q. What did the lawyer name his daughter?

A. Sue.

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

Thats all for today Breathe Easy my friends

Graeme xx

13 Replies

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  • LOL, thanks Graeme, set me up nicely chuckling for the day ahead :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Good morning Graeme and everyone on the site. The sun has been shining and now those clouds are bubbling up and no more sun, well thats in Shropshire. Good ones this morning Graeme, I always wanted to be bird when I was little, think I would like to be a buzzard.

    Lib x

  • Sun is shinning in Wales libbygood may I add JUST. Have a great day anyway. Love and Hugs, Graeme xxx

  • Thanks for those Graeme, another bright start to my day. :)

    anna xx

  • A little girl cuts her hand on the playground and runs crying to the teacher. She asks the teacher for a glass of cider.

    "Why do you want a glass of cider?" the teacher asks.

    "To take away the pain," sobs the little girl.

    "What do you mean?" the teacher asks.

    "Well," sobs the little girl. "I overheard my big sister say that whenever she has a prick in her hand, she can't wait to get it in cider."

  • TUT, TUT, TUT, SORRY borderline Berwick x

  • All in the reader's mind! Anyone offended can go somewhere else, cant they.

  • Monday mornings are much more fun after reading your funnies, Graeme, cheers me dears :) xx

  • I don't know how we would start the day without you :)

  • Thank you, that is really nice. A tear has just ran down my face. It gives me great joy reading your comments. It is nice for me an COPD suffer like yourselves (Me on oxygen) to read how my daily laughter put a smile on your faces which is a great start to the day.Lots of love and sunshine and laughter to you all . Love Berwick xxx

  • LOL very good thank you xx

  • Thank you Berwick. Love the jokes. Anne

  • Good jokes, Berwick. Appreciate them coming each day. Hope the day doesn't dawn when you run dry.

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