A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!"

While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"

TV commercials now show you how detergents take out

bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.

I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all

over it, maybe laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station. The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class: "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.

Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Top 10 Signs You're A Lousy Cook

10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they

hear a fire siren

9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"

tastes like.

8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family

grabs forks and follows him.

7. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.

6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy


5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him

over for dinner.

4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic

waste in their lunch bags.

3. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.

2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.

... and the Number 1 Sign You're A Lousy Cook:

1. You burned the house down trying to make jelly.

Girlfriend is like ice cream easily melt able but wife is like hard metal can’t be bent.

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.

I failed Math so many times I can’t even count.

You know that the wives are the most dreadful dream of a person’s life.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

I intend to live forever – so far, so good.

Do you know what really amazes me about you?


Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!

Keep honking. I’m reloading.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

Marriage is too interesting an experiment to be tried only once.

Do not follow, for I may not lead. Do not lead, for I may not follow. Just go over there somewhere, please?

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

There is a light at the end of every tunnel, just pray it’s not a train.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? ” The other replied, “Yes I am, I married to the wrong person.”

I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.

Teacher: Now kids, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is Seven plus Two?

Kids: At once!

Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.

Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.

Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.

If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.

Death is hereditary.

When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, “I didn’t get to where I am today by listening to people like you!”

There are 2 things an average girl wishes: to find the perfect guy and to eat without getting fat.”

Originality is the art of concealing your sources.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.

Roses are red, some willows weep, please leave your message, after the beep

"Hi, we aren't in at the moment, if you are trying to sell us something please start speaking now and hang up at the beep, everyone else start speaking at the beep and hang up when you've finished."

I'm not here, so say goodbye, or leave a message, and I'll reply

Like Barney (the purple dinosaur):

I'll call you, cause you called me. We're the ______ family. So leave your

name and number at the tone. Sorry that we're not at home.   Â

 "Hi, you have reached the Borg collective. Please leave your name and star system and we'll assimilate you as soon as we can."

"Hey guess who this is? You guessed it. Guess what you have to do now? you

guessed it. Guess what's next? You guessed it..."

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Sugar is sweet, and so are you

The roses have wilted, the violets are dead,

The sugar bowl's empty, and so is your head

The roses stink, sorta like sheep

But leave your name, number, and message after the beep

The roses are molding, the violets are rotten

And I might call you back, if I haven't forgotten

We might be in, we might be out, but leave a message and you might find out!

"Hello? ...Hello? ...Hellooo? I'm sorry, you're gonna have to speak

up, I can't hear you... That's 'cuz I'm not home! Leave a message.


You are dazed, bewildered, trapped in a world with no time, where color collides with sound, and shadows explode. You see a sign up ahead. This is no ordinary answering device; this is "The Twilight Phone"

This call may be recorded or monitored for quality and training purposes. If you don't wish this call to be monitored or recorded, then please let the answering machine know when you leave your message.

Hi. This is John:

If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.

If you are my parents, please send money.

If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money.

If you are my friends, you owe me money.

If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Talk to the phone, the face ain't home, please leave a message, after the tone. BEEP!

Go away, leave me alone, please leave a message, after the tone BEEP!

These words are lovely dark and deep

But I've got promises to keep

and miles to go before I sleep

So leave a message at the beep.

Hey, it's ________

Sorry you can't get through

Leave your name and your number

And I'll get back to you

Sorry we’re not here to lend an ear, so leave a word and you'll be heard.

Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

Really mean insults


1. Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no talent!

2. He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's handsome.

3. As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

4. I'd like to kick you in the teeth, but why should I improve your looks?

5. At least there's one thing good about your body. It isn't as ugly as your face!Â

6. Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case they're nothing

7. Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

8. I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like you.

9. Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

10. If I had a face like yours. I'd sue my parents!

11. Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

12. Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to spreading ignorance?

13. Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

14. Don't you love nature, despite what it did to you?

15. Don't think, it may sprain your brain!

16. Fellows like you don't grow from trees; they swing from them.

17. He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to wind it up this morning.

18. He has a mind like a steel trap, always closed!

19. You are a man of the world and you know what sad shape the world is in.

20. He is always lost in thought it's unfamiliar territory.

21. Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?

22. He is known as a miracle comic. if he's funny, it's a miracle!

Hopefully I have kept it shorter today and that the poems and jokes gave you laughter this Sunday Morning.

Breath Easy my friends and have a great day.

Berwick xx

13 Replies

  • Thanks for the Sunday chuckles, Graeme :)

    Sandra x x x

  • They promised us sun, but all we've got here is rain

    So bring on the funny's Berwick and brighten up our day :)

  • It's thick as pea soup in South Wales. That's the weather no me. Lol Hope the Sun shines Brightly for you and have a great day.Berwick xx

  • The old adage , bring me sunshine, well this is my sunshine to all friends who either have a wee chuckle or a big laugh Have a great dat Berwick.xxxx

  • Thanks Berwick, the sun is shining in Shrops with a few clouds. Happy Sunday everyone.

    Eldest daughter and granddaughter doing 'Race for Life' today in Tatton Park, Cheshire.

    Lib x

  • Well done to your daughter and granddaughter for doing the 'Race for Life, its not easy but so worthwhile :)

  • Sunny here - sorry for those who haven't got it yet - and I need my vitamin D. :) xx Damn good jokes this fine Sunday, Graeme :)xx

  • Isnt copy and paste amazing :-) soo funny

  • Comes straight from my brain. Never heard of copy and paste. I am up all night thinking and typing.. Ha ha. Great that you enjoyed them, Have a great Day

    Berwick xxx

  • Haha, I love the cookery ones! :-)

  • Enjoyed all the jokes. Berwick's repertoire is endless - thank goodness.

  • I am going to get worried when I either run out of jokes or run out of oxygen. Ha ha Berwick xxx

  • Enjoyed, thanks.x

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