Daily Laughter

Thursday

Tor's Day" or "Thor's Day" became Thursday in English, Donnerstag in German (meaning "Thunder's Day"), Donderdag in Dutch (meaning Thunder day), and Torsdag in Swedish, Danish, and Norwegian.

There are two ways of meeting difficulties. You alter the difficulties or you alter yourself to meet them.

Wishing You A Great Thursday!

I know how it is to need money--

As much as I can get;

My teenager goes to the mall,

And I go into debt.

Most kids' first words are "Ma-ma,"

She said "Vi-sa" with a smile;

She has a black belt in shopping,

And a package from every aisle!

While I went off to work one day,

She decided to paint the wall.

And when I came back home that night,

She was curled into a ball.

Her eyes were closed, she was breathing hard,

Her hair was very wet.

From her head to the tips of her pretty toes,

She was covered all in sweat.

She was wrapped in a jacket made of down,

With a fur coat on top of that.

The wall was glowing with new, fresh paint;

On the floor, the paint can sat.

"Sweetheart!" I cried, with a worried look,

"Are you all right, my dear?"

She lazily opened her lovely eyes,

And smiled from ear to ear.

"I knew I could do it," she said with a grin;

"I followed the paint can notes.

It clearly said 'For best results,

Be sure to put on two coats.'"

My five year-old-son, he lies a lot,

And I wanted it to end,

So I told him about the boy who cried "wolf!"

Hoping he would comprehend.

"He kept crying 'wolf!' when there was no wolf,"

I told my son, whom I adore.

"When the wolf came to eat him, he called for help,

But no one listened anymore."

My son's eyes grew wide; It looked like he got it;

My heart was all aglow.

But he dashed my hopes when he nodded and said,

A life insurance salesman

Was talking to a wife:

"What will you get if your husband dies,

You know...at the end of his life."

The woman thought and thought some more,

And then she scratched her noodle.

"Well, I guess, you know, with my husband gone,

I’d probably get a poodle."

Three genteel ladies went lunching

At a sophisticated hotel.

Their elevator door opened;

They gasped, and their faces fell.

A seven-foot man was inside,

With an intimidating expression.

They got in anyway;

They were the very souls of discretion.

"Sit!" the man yelled, and they sat,

In their luncheon finery,

They went up; then the door slid aside;

The man left, abashedly.

His dog had been behind him;

At lunch they got a note.

The basketball star paid their bill;

"My apologies, and my treat," he wrote.

A dispute among three kinds of cops,

CIA, FBI, LAPD:

Who can catch bad guys the quickest?

We'll set up a contest and see.

A rabbit was set loose in the trees;

"We'll get him first," they all said.

They gathered up all of their gear,

And into the forest they sped.

The CIA with informants,

Questions animals and plants on its list,

And after four months investigation,

Concludes rabbits do not exist.

The FBI searches and searches,

But can't find a single clue.

After three weeks they burn down the forest,

Killing the poor bunny, too.

The LAPD takes an hour;

Solving crimes fast is their habit.

Their perp is a badly bruised cougar,

Shouting, "Whatever you say! I'm a rabbit!"

Two old friends met on the street,

Hadn't talked in many a year;

"How's your family,?" asked this dear old friend,

"I'd really like to hear."

"George has a Master's in literature,"

The other said, with pride,

"And Mary's a grad in modern art,

Her career she has yet to decide."

"And How's Willy," the first friend kindly asked,

While the other displayed defeat;

"Oh, Willy's a plumber," she sighed, hanging her head,

"But without him, we'd be out on the street."

A pastor journeyed to heaven;

A cab driver followed him through;

The cab driver got a mansion;

The pastor got a lean-to.

"How come?" inquired the pastor,

"This seems like a charade."

"They slept through your sermons," said Peter;

"When he drove, his passengers prayed."

What do dwarfs and midgets have in common?

Very little...

A piece of string walks into a cafe. Attendant says they won't serve him...he's a string. String goes out, and ties himself. String walks back in. Attendant says "Didn't I tell you I would not serve a piece of string?" the string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot".

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes whack "darn"

While a bad skydiver goes "darn" whack

An ant, a spider, and a centipede are holding a party.

The ant realizes that they are running low on beer. He offers to head out to buy some more beers. The centipede says, "No, let me do it. You'd take too long. I have a lot more legs than you - I can do it faster!" The bugs agree.

10 minutes pass... Then 20 minutes, then 30, then more. The spider asks, "What's taking him so long?" The ant decides to head out to investigate. He opens the front door and sees the centipede outside.

The ant asks, "Hey man, what's taking you so long?"

The centipede replies, "I'm still putting on my shoes."

4 people on a plane thats about to crash

There only 4 people left on a plane thats about to crash. One is the world's smartest man, another is the world's foremost brain surgeon, a priest, and a boy scout.

There are only 3 parachutes on the plane and they are debating on who should get the 3 remaining parachutes. The brain surgeon says "The world cannot afford to lose me Im a highly skilled surgeon" and then takes a parachute and immediately jumps out. The smartest man says "The world cannot afford to lose me because Im the most intelligent person alive" and takes one and immediately jumps out.

And then the priest looks at the boy scout and says "Son take the last parachute and jump out because Ive led a full life and Im ready to die". And then the boy scout says "That wont be necessary Father because the world's smartest man just jumped out with my backpack."

Did you hear about the desperado who tried to hijack a bus full of Japanese tourists? Fortunately,

police had 5,000 photographs of the suspect....;)

Why should you marry a Baker? Because they make a lot of dough.

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.

I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion....Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy.

She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone..

We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren...

Love, Your Son John

PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house.

I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card, That's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

Why is six afraid of seven?

...Because seven eight (ate) nine...

Q. Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

A. He's all right now.

Q. Did you hear about the man who was tap dancing?

A. He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.

Q. What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A. A nervous wreck.

Q. What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

A. Anyone can roast beef.

Q. Where do you find a no legged dog?

A. Right where you left him.

Q. Where do you get virgin wool from?

A. Ugly sheep.

Q. Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

A. They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q. How do you double the value of a Geo Metro?

A. Fill it with gas.

Q. What's the definition of mixed emotions?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. Why do chicken coops have two doors?

A. Because if it had four doors it's be a chicken sedan.

You should always give 100% at work...

12% Monday; 23% Tuesday; 40% Wednesday; 20% Thursday; 5% Friday

Q. What do you call a cow with no legs?

A. Ground beef.

Q. What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

A. The taste!

Q. Did you hear about the new "divorced" Barbie doll that they're selling in stores now?

A. It comes with all of Ken's stuff.

Q. What does a skeleton get when he goes to a bar?

A. A beer and a mop.

Q. What do you call Maoris on Prozac?

A. Once were worriers.

Q. How many men does it take to wallpaper a room?

A. About two - if they're thinly sliced.

Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs that can swim across a pool?

A. Clever Dick

Q. How many ears did Davy Crockett have?

A. Three - his left ear, his right ear, and his wild front ear.

Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?

A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.

Q. What do you do if you come across a tiger in the jungle?

A. Wipe him off, apologize and RUN!

Q. What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?

A. Swim!

Q. Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

A. Because it was dead.

Q. Why did the tree fall down?

A. The koala forgot to let go.

Q. How many male chauvinist pigs does it take to change a light bulb?

A. None, let the bitch cook in the dark.

Q. What do you do if a bird shits on your car?

A. Don't ask her out again.

Q. What do you call 100 men at the bottom of the ocean?

A. A good start.

Q. What's the difference between a woman and a computer?

A. A computer only needs the information punched into it once.

Q. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

A. Because they taste funny.

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A. No-Eye Deer. (sound like No Idea)

Q. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

A. Still no eye deer.

Q. Who is the poorest guy in West Virginia?

A. The Tooth Fairy

Q. Did you hear that Fed Ex and UPS are going to merge?

A. Yeah. They're going to call it FED UP!

Q. What's the difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman?

A. The car salesman can probably drive!

A linguistics professor was lecturing his class one day.

'In English', he said, 'A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative.'

A loud voice from the back of the room piped up, 'Yeah, right.'

2) Robert went to his lawyer and said, 'I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it.' The lawyer smiled at Robert and replied, 'Not a problem, leave it all to me.'

Robert looked somewhat upset and said, 'Well, I knew you were going to take a big portion, but I would like to leave a little to my family too!'

3) Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and began to eat.

Seeing this, the angry publican approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

4) Brenda and Terry are going out for the evening. The last thing they do is put their cat out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple walk out of the house, the cat scoots back in.

Terry returns inside to chase it out. Brenda, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explains to the taxi driver, 'My husband is just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.'

Several minutes later, an exhausted Terry arrives and climbs back into the taxi saying, 'Sorry I took so long, the stupid idiot was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger several times before I could get her to come out!'

5) A policeman spotted a jay walker and decided to challenge him, 'Why are you trying to cross here when there's a zebra crossing only 20 metres away?'

'Well,' replied the jay walker, 'I hope it's having better luck than me.'

Marriage Two

Husband: Sweetheart, would you say that I'm the only man you've ever loved?

Wife: Of course you are. Why do all men ask me the same silly question?

After the Honeymoon

Rupert and Elaine, a young couple, got married and went happily on their honeymoon.

When they got back, Elaine immediately 'phoned her mother and her mother obviously asked, 'How was the honeymoon, dearest?'

'Oh, Ma,' she replied, 'the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic...'

Then Elaine burst out crying. 'But, Ma, as soon as we returned home Rupert started using the most ghastly language... saying things I've never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Ma.'

'Calm down, Elaine!,' said her mother, 'Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?'

Still sobbing, Elaine whispered, 'Oh, Ma...words like dust, wash, cook, and iron.'

Going To Church

I didn't see you in church last Sunday, Perkins. I hear you were out playing football instead.

'That's not true, Vicar. And I've got the fish to prove it.'

My wife thinks she wears the trousers in my house but I have still got half of the trouser leg.

Hope the sun brightly on you all and have a great day.

Breath Easy my friends

Berwick xx

6 Replies

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  • Hahaha - read those with my good eye and they made me laugh :) x

  • Your jokes, Berwick, keep us going. I read them to husband whilst we are having breakfast. Big thanks love annieseedxx

  • Thanks once again for keeping the humour going :)

    Sandra x x x

  • Late on parade this morning Berwick, have to get all my jobs done so I can watch tennis all afternoon. Good jokes for a Thursday morning. Cool here in Shrops with a bit of sun.

    Lib x

  • Rain in wales as usual LOL. berwick xxx

  • A great selection of jokes Berwick. Have had a good laugh :-).

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