Daily Laughter

Wednesday

Day Of Week

Wednesday is the day of the week between Tuesday and Thursday. According to international standard ISO 8601 adopted in most western countries it is the third day of the week.

The name Wednesday derives from two mighty but distinct gods. The Old English word for Wednesday indicates that the day was named for the Germanic god Woden. In Romance languages, the name is derived from the Roman god Mercury. (For example, Wednesday is mercredi in French and miercuri in Romanian.) Woden (also known as Odin) and Mercury have been associated since Scandinavian and Roman cultures crossed paths.

Under Woden’s supervision, the earth and sky were created from the dead body of a giant named Ymir. Woden also created the first man and woman from an ash tree and an alder. As if fashioning the human race wasn’t enough, Woden also established the laws of the universe.

(The wacky history of Tuesday makes the origin of “Wednesday” seem boring. Read it here.)

Mercury was the messenger to the gods, along with being the patron of science, the arts, travelers and athletes. Today, he is one of the most widely recognized gods. Usually, he’s depicted wearing a winged helmet and sandals.

Starting around 1965, Wednesday began being referred to as “hump day.” Smack dab in the middle of the traditional work week, arriving at Wednesday symbolizes that we’ve made it over the hump and the weekend is in sight.

Well would you believe that!!!!!!!!

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'

Well that's a good start , it only gets better LOL x Berwick

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.

- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

I'm the boss

You do not cross

The king of my domain

For the day

No work, all play

Is found in my refrain

Love to eat

The prime of meat

So sad 'til I get some

'Tis so sweet

And such a treat

Boy, they can be so dumb

Hate to dress

Give me caress

No bother with the slime

Have to dig

In it real big

Archaeology time

When I'm beat

I have a seat

Take my favorite spot

No compete

It's so complete

Out of my royal cot!

Here to stay

I love to lay

Napping is not a farse

I'm a dog

Who's a couch hog

So move your big fat arse!

it's funny how hello is always accompanied with goodbye

it's funny how good memories can start to make you cry

it's funny how forever never seems to last

it's funny how much you'd lose if you forgot about your past

it's funny how “friends” can just leave when you are down

it's funny how when you need someone they never are around

it's funny how people change and think they're so much better

it's funny how many lies are packed into one “love letter”

it's funny how one night can contain so much regret

it's funny how you can forgive but not forget

it's funny how ironic life turns out to be

but the funniest part of all, is none of thats funny to me

Sometimes we say before we speak

It's funny how we so bold

Without a word the words are still heard

Somehow the eyes they told

Isn't it funny how we can be

Such creatures of such mystery

All that we are and what's true in our hearts

Through our eyes we can so clearly see

Oh the mysteries within our own souls

We hide so others wont know

But in the end and in the blink of an eye

Your eyes on you they told

Isn't it funny how life can be

Isn't it funny about you and me

Such creatures we are we tell on our hearts

Our eyes have so learned to speak

Sometimes we say without a word

Our eyes so tell the truth

Can you see mine eyes so telling on me

Can you see that I so love you.

Please, O God of Humor, give me the gift of being funny

naturally funny

so I can produce poetry and verse that tickles

and makes readers laugh so much their coins roll out of their wallets;

and let the children roll on the floor when my poems are recited;

for indeed my humor is the worst online by any standard

(or lack of standard)

for when I publish poems meant to be funny

my readers never understand me

and what I thought funny, they think tragic

and what I thought was tickle-tickle material

they find pathetic and practically laughable;

I am lectured to or consoled by readers

when I attempt humor;

Those Disastrous Ancestors of Mine

Today we buried Great Uncle Ted

'died unexpectedly' the obituary read.

How un-expected can people be,

after all the old fart was a hundred and three.

Great Uncle Ted's father was a hundred and seven

when he popped his cloggs and went to heaven

and his father before him, one hundred and one

they say he died suddenly whilst cleaning his gun.

He was looking down the barrel for hidden dirt

"Your tea's on the table" yelled his manic wife, Gert.

But he chose to ignore her, much to her dismay,

so she pulled the trigger and blew him away.

Great Uncle Ted's brother was Great Uncle Chuck

who sold stolen goods from the back of a truck.

He left two sons and a widow named Florry

when the poor sod fell off the back of a lorry.

Now his eldest sister was my Great Aunt Gwen

and a bit of a raver when it came to men.

Twelve times a night (and she wasn't dreaming),

red hot in her coffin and they say shes still steaming.

The youngest girl was my Great Aunt Trish,

widowed eight times, they all ate poison fish.

All except one, he died from a blow to the head.

"Well he wouldn't eat fish" my Great Aunt Trish said.

Then there was Great Aunt Nell, who had kids by the score

all wrinkled and grey, she said "I will try for one more."

The records are wrong, they can never be true

they say she died giving birth, aged ninety two.

Now my Great Uncle Dick called his son one day.

"You cant marry that girl son, I'm sorry to say.

Just listen to me," he begged in a whisper

"Your mother don't know but that girl is your sister."

Now my cousin twice removed and of little education

ran to his mother in sheer desperation.

"Oh mam," he cried "I'm going off my head,

I can't marry that girl, she's my sister, Dad said."

"There, there," said his mother "Don't you fret my boy.

What I'm about to tell should bring you joy.

You can marry that girl. Go on, off you go,

cause your daddy aint your daddy but your daddy dont know."

Tracing my ancestors was a pleasure for me

although I have to admit there are some oddities.

But a lot more surprises I'm sure to get

I haven't even started on my mothers side yet!

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

3

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

4

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

5

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

6

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

7

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

8

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

9

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

10

If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.

11

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

12

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

13

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

14

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

15

Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

16

Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

17

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

18

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

19

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

20

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

The Loch Ness Monster's Song

Sssnnnwhuffffll?

Hnwhuffl hhnnwfl hnfl hfl?

Gdroblboblhobngbl gbl gl g g g g glbgl.

Drublhaflablhaflubhafgabhaflhafl fl fl -

gm grawwwww grf grawf awfgm graw gm.

Hovoplodok-doplodovok-plovodokot-doplodokosh?

Splgraw fok fok splgrafhatchgabrlgabrl fok splfok!

Zgra kra gka fok!

Grof grawff gahf?

Gombl mbl bl -

blm plm,

blm plm,

blm plm,

blp.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here."

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be

After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!

Do you want to speak to the manager or someone who know's what's going on?

They say that patience is a virtue, well I have been patient all my life and look where it's got me.

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I do...

Just because you have one doesn't mean you have to act like one.

They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.

Marriage is the transference of misery from the woman to the man.

Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

Everything is edible, some things are only edible once.

If you don't go out on the limb... how are you going to get the good apple?

Haikus are easy. But sometimes they don't make sense. Refrigerator.

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

If a leper gives you the finger, do you have to give it back?

Integrity is Everything. I'll sell you mine for fifty pounds

Slow down mummy, there is no need to rush,

Slow down mummy, what is all the fuss?

Slow down mummy, make yourself a cup tea.

Slow down mummy, come and spend some time with me.

Slow down mummy, let's put our boots on and go out for a walk,

let's kick at piles of leaves, and smile and laugh and talk.

Slow down mummy, you look ever so tired,

come sit and snuggle under the duvet and rest with me a while.

Slow down mummy, those dirty dishes can wait,

slow down mummy, let's have some fun, let's bake a cake!

Slow down mummy I know you work a lot,

but sometimes mummy, its nice when you just stop.

Sit with us a minute,

& listen to our day,

spend a cherished moment,

because our childhood is not here to stay

We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour

Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.

Thank you for your kind words, as long as you can have a laugh and smile I am happy

Breath Easy

Lots of love to you all

Berwick xx

12 Replies

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  • Thank you for brightening up my Wednesday :)

    Sandra x x x

  • No problem, I like to keep the customers happy. Have a great day. Berwick.xx

  • Hi there,

    Enjoyed this very much. Keep smiling and we all smile with you. There are plenty of people out there with faces like 'Burst Settees"..... Audrey

  • I am here every day. Here to please and glad you enjoyed.

    Berwick xxx

  • Don't know how we would start the day without you. :) :) :)

  • Morning exblonde. Hopefully I will be here for a long time yet. Have a great day Berwick xxxx

  • Thanks B enjoy your day too, you deserve it after brightening ours as you do.

    Love & xxxx 's

  • Good morning Berwick and everyone. Some good rhymes this morning Berwick. Happy Wednesday - is it Wednesday, yes of course it is.

    Lib x

  • Yes and tomorrow is Thursday, ha ha Berwick xx

  • And so we have Wednesday and it's started well, I woke up and there were your jokes - winner, winner ! :) xx

  • My pleasure, thank you Berwick xxx

  • My husband's family are arranging a family reunion so I have copied and pasted Disastrous Ancestors on our site. I think some of them are taking it too seriously so hopefully this will add a bit of humour. Thank you Berwick. X X

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