Daily Laughter

Monday's child is fair of face,

Tuesday's child is full of grace,

Wednesday's child is full of woe,

Thursday's child has far to go,

Friday's child is loving and giving,

Saturday's child works hard for a living,

But the child that's born on the Sabbath day

Is bonny, blithe, good and gay.

There's been a murder, a woman was killed,

found in a bathtub, partially filled.

A pair of policemen went into the house

and questioned the poor woman's spouse.

He'd just come home from working all night

and found her like that, a terrible sight.

The younger policeman looked on with dismay.

He'd never forget that terrible day.

He saw the young woman from behind the door

and empty milk cartons all over the floor,

Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,

and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.

''Who could have done this terrible thing?''

His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.

''Just look at the clues,'' replied Sergeant Miller.

''It looks like the work of a cereal killer.''

When my guard was down they attacked from behind

With a blow to the head - now I wake up to find

There's a sort of red mist in front of one eye

And my tongue's gone all rubbery and my mouth is so dry.

There's a part of my head that floats on its own

And a pain when I move that just makes me groan.

My stomach and its contents have ceased to be friends

And are now parting company via both ends.

I ought to get up but I'm frightened to try,

I just want to lie here and hope that I'll die.

I can't understand how I came to be caught

By those two nasty muggers - red wine and port

Last night I held a lovely hand,

It was so small and neat,

I thought my heart with joy would burst

So wild was every beat.

No other hand unto my heart

Could greater pleasure bring

Than the one so dear I held last night.

Four Aces and a King

When a package arrives I quickly open it wide

And hastily remove all the stuff found inside.

I discard all items except the plastic wrapped

That piece with bubbles in which air is trapped.

I spread the sheet and look downward with glee.

And with two fingers, I pop one, two, then three.

I feel quite content and my face gets a glow

I pop some more and move on to the next row.

I'm feeling so good I can't think of stopping

As the room fills with the sounds of popping.

Every worry and care and each little trouble

Floats away with the pop of each air bubble.

When I finally reach the end I feel quite mellow

All that popping has made me a contented fellow.

If you are like me, and contentment is a rarity,

Get some bubble wrap: It's cheaper than therapy.

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better

To paint a picture, or write a letter,

Bake a cake, or plant a seed;

Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,

With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;

Music to hear, and books to read;

Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there

With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;

A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,

This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,

Old age will come and it's not kind.

And when you go (and go you must)

You, yourself, will make more dust.

How do I know my youth has been spent:

Because my get-up-and-go, got up and went

But in spite of all that, I'm able to grin

When I think where my get-up-and-go has been

Old age is golden, I've heard it said,

But sometimes I wonder as I go to bed

My ears are in a drawer, my teeth in a cup,

My eyes on a table until I wake up

When I was young my slippers were red

I could kick my heels right over my head

When I grew older my slippers were blue

But I could still dance the whole night thru

Now that I am old my slippers are black

I walk to the corner and puff my way back

The reason I know my youth is spent

My get-up-and-go got up and went

I get up each morning dust off my wits

Pick up the paper and read the "orbits"

If my name is missing, I know I'm not dead

So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed

This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind?'

So he gave me a kite.

If you look like your passport picture, you probably needed the weekend trip.

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A day without sunshine is like..., night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

99% of Lawyers give the rest a bad name.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

OK,..... so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Monday is a dreadful way to spend 1/7 of your life.

I dialled a number and got the following recording, 'I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.'

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

Roger went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said to Roger, 'We have an opening for people like you.'

'Oh, great,' Roger replied, 'What is it?'

'It's called the door,' came the answer.

A man walks into a pub and sees Vincent Van Gogh standing at the bar. The man says, 'I love your paintings, can I buy you a drink?'

Vincent replies, 'No thanks I've got one ear.'

Analysis of workplace sickness reveals that Mondays in January are the most popular days for workers pulling a 'sickie'. Twelve of the twenty most popular days for sickness absence occurred in January.

Another study of sickness found that 34% of all sick leave is taken on a Monday. What happens is that attendance on the remaining working days becoming higher as the week progresses. Thus the lowest sick leave rate was recorded on Fridays with just 2.9% of the total.

Quick Monday Morning Diagnosis

Nurse: 'Doctor, Doctor the man you've just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?'

Doctor: 'Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!'

Blue Monday

Blue Monday the most depressing day of the year. It falls on at the end of the January, typically on the Monday of the last full week of January.

Motor Insurance Quotes from Claim Forms Filed on a Monday

I knocked over a man. He admitted it was his fault as he had been run over before.

The other man altered his mind so I had to run into him.

I collided with a stationary tree.

Thats all for today folks

Breath Easy

I wish I was

and have a great day

Berwick xxxxxx

10 Replies

  • Loved them all today. Thanks

    Tina :d

  • Thanks Berwick, you're spoiling us again :d

    Sandra x x x

  • Love the 'dust' one Berwick. Very cold here in Shropshire.

    Lib x

  • I must have been born on the Sabbath.....................:)

  • Thank you, it makes me smile every day

  • Bubble wrap! OOOOOOO! Must find some..... NOW! Love 'em, Berwick :) xx

  • :I smiled when I read "where my get up and go has been". I smiled even more when I thought that my "get up and go" can still amaze me some days and today might be the dayt!!!!

  • Super stuff Berwick. Keep 'em coming


  • Best yet...loved the dust one and the Monday morning diagnosis

  • Blast!!!!!! I just spent the damn day dusting!!! I,ll try not to do it again & when hubby complains I know just who to blame :D

    Love them Berwick



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