I really could do with some advice!

My problem does impact on my breathing - every time I think about this I get stressed and SOB.

You all know that my boy, David, has had bowel cancer and has just finished six months chemotherapy. He has been given a 'provisional' all clear. He is now waiting to have his bowel 'joined up'.

The poblem is that David's partner, Laura (who is a lovely caring person) has just left him. He came down to spend the weekend with me and some friends while she moved out of the house.

Do I tell him to 'get a grip'? I must admit that I am not happy about doing that. He is absolutely floored at the moment.

Do I tell him to get a grip or just carry on giving him a hug now and again?

Any suggestions gratefully received.



17 Replies

  • Some people just cant cope with long term illness. Dont tell him to get a grip - he is grieving and that takes time. Just tell him you are there for him and carry on with the hugs. A broken relationship often goes through the same stages as the death of a partner. It is still loss. Gather his friends around him and let him take his own time to work through this. Bless him and you. Time is all that will help and knowing that he has your support.

  • I totally agree with that...

  • You are both very kind.

    He was married years ago and Emma, his wife, went off with someone else. Strangely, David, my son, and Emma still keep in touch and they are very civil about everything. Emma lives with her new husband, John, in New Zealand.

    Although David came down to see me and his father he wasn't exactly at home - he went off to Camborne to see a friend and then cleared off to see his friends in Coverack. I'm know that he had a good time in Camborne and in Coverack - a lovely meal in Camborne and a visit to The Meadery. Good food and some wine.

    I didn't realise that having children included worrying about them when their relationships failed. I really did think that coping with my own love life was enough.

    Thank you both so very much for letting me have your advice. I'll stick to the cuddles and hugs and just hope that things get better soon. I know that things will get better eventually.

    David thought that Laura was 'the one' and they had talked about having a child together. Life really is a let down sometimes.

    Love and hugs



  • Sorry Guys

    Second sentence in second paragraph above should read "I know that he had a good time ...............

    Love and hugs



  • Hi Annec I am so sorry that your son is suffering so much. I agree with the above. He must be feeling terrible and he needs hugs and lots of them. To go though such an awful illness then his partner leaving him! He must be at a really low ebb. He needs time to adjust and get his head together. As I blogged a couple of days ago my mother just died. Even though it was expected the shock was far worse than I imagined it would be. I just feel totally exhausted physically and mentally and am overcome with lassitude. I just want to stay at home and veg out watching telly forever. I know I will recover my zip but it will take time. Its the same with your son - he will get over this. Time is a great healer but in the meantime be gentle with him. I wish I had someone who cared about me that much! I am feeling very alone at the moment.

    Give your son a hug from me please.

    Bev xxx

  • Hi Bev

    I am so sorry that you lost your Mother. I know how you feel - my Mum died when I was about 40 and it was such as shock because it 'wasn't on the cards '. She had been to the hospital the day before she died.

    My son is my whole world and if I could stop the wind blowing on him then I would. Unfortunately I can't.

    I know that this awful time will pass. It's just hat Laura leaving him just now is dreadful for him. My hugs don't equate in any way to hugs from Laura. She is a lovely, kind, person and I am still in touch with her (David doesn't know). He was really horrible to her sometimes - I know that he was afraid about what was happening but he must have hurt her dreadfully.

    I suppose that we have to cope with what comes into our lives but, sometimes, it is so difficult.

    I hope that you soon come to terms and find peace after losing your Mother.

    Love and hugs



  • Thanks Annec. Appreciate that.

    Bev x

  • Personally myself, if you got along well with your son's partner, then I would contact her and have a quiet supporting word with her. Arrange a time and place where you can sit and have a coffee or Tea and just tell her that you can understand why she probably up and left because it must be difficult and she may feel she wouldn't be able to cope seeing David suffer in anyway. Tell her that she is always welcome back and that your full support is there for the both of them. Also I would explain to David that she probably needed a bit of breathing space and some thinking time alone to think how she will be there for him to support him and love him. But most of all if I were you, I would try and stay strong and keep the lines of communication open with the both of them. Good luck and I hope it all works out well for you all. x

  • I think everyone has given good advice. Cuddles64 has some excellent words of wisdom. Show him love, he is distraught, but don't run down his ex, she might have found the whole thing difficult to deal with. It's not impossible that after a break, they might get back together and be stronger for it.

    It might be worth contacting her as she might assume you hate her now, but you can reassure her that the door is always open. You have all been through a rough time.

    Time will heal, whatever the outcome but I'm afraid your children will always be your children, however old they are! It's normal to worry about them.

    Lynne xx

  • I really cant add very much in the way of advise. It must be very difficult for you - my eldest is now 19 and I worry more about him now than I did when he was little! (though when he was little I would have thought that impossible!). You have no option but support him and you will know when it is the right time to tell him to "get a grip". You know him better than anyone. Sending you lots of love TAD xxx

  • How awful for him and you. Not anything to add with the advice that has already been given. I understand how you feel my heart has been breaking over my daughter I also worry more now about my kids now than when they were younger I also worry about their children, their relationships and their jobs. I often think that if it was only myself and hubby I'd have nothing to worry about. But then I'd have nothing to live for. There's a line in a song that come to mind every time I long for time out it's "freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose and nothing ain't worth nothing if it's free"

    I hope things settle down soon for you and your son. Hugs to you xx

  • Hugs definitely and allow him to talk about it if he needs it. Just carry on being the supportive and lovely Mum you are :) xx

  • I agree with everything that has been said....love and support him.

    My eldest daughter's husband left her and the pain I felt was terrible, but must have been nothing like she felt. But I also saw my son in laws side as my daughter could be very outspoken and of course I blamed myself for this!

    Both you and your son have gone through so much recently ...spend time "resting and recuperating" and look forward to the future

  • Pepsi

    One of my sons is in his fifth relationship. We call him "Teflon" because none of the girls stick around. All you can do with yours is give him lots of hugs and just be there for him.

    If he wants to talk, find the time. If he doesn't, keep shtum. I hope he recovers from it ok.

    Lots of love from Bobby xxxx

  • I agree with the others xxxxx

    Telling someone to get a grip can never be a good thing I don't think. It is like saying "calm down". It takes time to heal and each person has to do it in their own way.

    Hugs to you and your son, it's really tough for him at the moment, the illness and his wife leaving. He's lucky to have such a wonderful Mum there for him. xxx

  • Please do not tell him to get a grip as if he could he would. I think the end of a relationship is so similar to grieving and at times given the hell they went through with the cancer diagnosis and treatment they would have got closer,just best to be there for him when he needs and retreat when he does not.let him talk about it as much as he wants too and at the same time encourage him to focus on a positive future he may be bottling up his worry about his future surgery too.

    Just as importantly though please take good care of yourself, its tough for you too with your illness and the worry of his cancer and chemo. xx

  • Thank you all for your kind comments.

    I'll stick with the hugs (when I see him). He's went back to his place in Bristol and then went to London for an interview with Esso (at least that's a positive).

    I really do appreciate all your messages which made me feel a bit better. I was soooooo down when I posted the question.

    I think I love you all.

    Love and hugs



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