Where did the word Sunday come from
It's the day named in honour of the sun.
Monday is named in honour of the moon
Tuesday is named after Tiu the Saxon god of war
Wednesday is named after Woden, the Saxon variant of the Norse Odin
Thursday is named after the Norse god Thor
Friday is named after the Norse goddess Freya, leader of the Valkyries
Saturday is named after the Roman god Saturn
So there now you know.
A kindergarten teacher was walking around observing her classroom of children while they were drawing pictures. As she got to one girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without looking up from her drawing, the girl replied, "They will in a minute."
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping"
A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carrying the casket accidentally bump into a wall jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the women is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end the pallbearers are again carrying the casket out. As they are walking, the husband calls out, "Watch out for the wall!"
Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"
Several children found a dead robin. Feeling that a proper burial should be performed, they secured a small box and some cotton batting, dug a hole in the back yard, and made ready to dispose of the deceased. The minister's 5-year-old son was chosen to say the prayer. And so with great dignity, he intoned, "Glory be to the Father...and unto the Son...and into the hole he goes."
Actual Announcements from Church Bulletins
• Coming Up—Theological Open House. We discuss thought-provoking topics. Your opinions are hardly welcome.
• All singles are invited to join us Friday at 7 p.m. for the annula Christmas Sing-alone."
• Thursday night – potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and the community.
• For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
• The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.
• This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
• Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
• Wednesday, the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing "Put Me In My Little Bed" accompanied by the pastor.
• Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study
.
• This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar
.
• The service will close with "Little Drops Of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly, and the rest of the congregation will join in.
• Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" – come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8:00 p.m. in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• Miss Charlene Mason sang, "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
• "Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands."
• The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."
• Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.
• The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing "Break Forth into Joy."
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
• Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person(s) you want remembered.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment, and gracious hostility.
• The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
• Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday. Please use the back door.
• The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7:00 p.m. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
• Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
• The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
• The Rev. Merriwether spoke briefly, much to the delight of the audience.
• Next Sunday Mrs. Vinson will be soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
• The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
• The concert held in Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister's daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which as usual fell upon her.
• Today's Sermon: HOW MUCH CAN A MAN DRINK? with hymns from a full choir.
• Pastor is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.
• Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• This evening at 7 pm there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
• Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
• The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."
‘Enjoy these funny one loner jokes to make your friends and family laugh.’
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
Follow your dreams, except for that one where you’re naked at work.
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
I don’t want buns of steel. I want buns of cinnamon.
Ask to see my tattoo of a rose, but don’t ask outside. I’m constantly bothered by bees.
It’s not who you know, it’s whom you know.
There is no “I” in “Team”, but there are four in “Platitude-Quoting Idiot”.
Never go to bed angry, stay awake and plot your revenge.
If at first you don’t succeed, try left field.
When at the window at the unemployment office, loudly say, “I didn’t get to where I am today by listening to people like you!”
Sacred cows make the best hamburgers.
Those that forget the pasta are doomed to reheat it.
Take everything in moderation. Including moderation.
There are two rules for success: 1.) Don’t tell all you know.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Do ten millipedes equal one centipede?
A liberal is just a conservative that hasn’t been mugged yet.
If Helen Keller had ESP, would you say she had a fourth sense?
The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.
Have you been to Wal-Mart lately? You have to be 300 pounds to get the automatic doors to open.
To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.
If at first you don’t succeed, redefine success.
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to market reproductive organs.
Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.
I was born to be a pessimist. My blood type is B Negative.
Some days it’s not worth chewing through the straps.
Always remember you’re unique – just like everyone else.
Don’t feel sad…don’t feel blue…Frankenstein was ugly too…
What u call dog with no legs? Don’t matter wot u call him, he ain’t gonna come.
Crime doesn’t pay…Does that mean my job is a crime?
Just because you’re smart does not mean that the other guy is stupid.
I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week
Please, Lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won’t spoil me.
If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
Friend: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”
If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Born Free……..Taxed to Death.
Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? ‘Hold my purse.’
Remember: Don’t Insult the Alligator till after you cross the river.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
When in doubt, mumble.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
Doctor: "I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."
Patient: "That's ok. I will come back when you are sober."
When I was a teenager, nobody had cellphones yet; everything was landline. I have a friend who would call to talk about whatever, but he would usually ask "where are you?" first. Dude. You called my house. I'm probably at home.
What kind of bees give milk? BOO BEES!
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
"Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"What have you got there, dear"?
With astonishment in the young boy's voice, he answered, "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Well that it friends Have a great Sunday
and for those who want to know about Jellyatrics it should be my new blog photo.
Breath Easy
Berwick xxxx
