Daily Laughter

For the Ladies only

God bless my husband to better health

God give my husband wisdom to feel better

God help my husband to get through this rough patch

Oh God I am not going to ask for strength

Because if I had the strength I would dam well murder him

Amen

What do we know about Friday's

In Business

Friday is always known as POETS Day

Piss Off Early Tomorrow's Saturday

T.G.I.F

Means Thank God It's Friday

The first TGI Fridays restaurant opened in New York City at the corner of First Avenue and 63rd Street quickly becoming the meeting place for single adults, with $1 million in revenues its first year.

Friday 13th

The fear of Friday the 13th has been called friggatriskaidekaphobia (Frigga being the name of the Norse goddess for whom "Friday" is named and triskaidekaphobia meaning fear of the number thirteen), or paraskevidekatriaphobia[10][11] a concatenation of the Greek words Paraskeví (?a?as?e??, meaning "Friday"),

Face it, you're screwed. Friday the 13th — the unluckiest day on the calendar — so try not to crash your car, fall down a flight of stairs, set yourself on fire or do anything else that might compromise your well-being. And for God's sake, stay away from men in hockey masks.

Good Friday well apart from Easter it's a Public holiday

So how did Friday the 13th become such an unlucky day?

Dossey, also a folklore historian and author of Holiday Folklore, Phobias and Fun, said fear of Friday the 13th is rooted in ancient, separate bad-luck associations with the number 13 and the day Friday. The two unlucky entities ultimately combined to make one super unlucky day.

Dossey traces the fear of 13 to a Norse myth about 12 gods having a dinner party at Valhalla, their heaven. In walked the uninvited 13th guest, the mischievous Loki. Once there, Loki arranged for Hoder, the blind god of darkness, to shoot Balder the Beautiful, the god of joy and gladness, with a mistletoe-tipped arrow.

"Balder died and the whole Earth got dark. The whole Earth mourned. It was a bad, unlucky day," said Dossey. From that moment on, the number 13 has been considered ominous and foreboding.

Now to take your minds off Fridays he he he

Coffee and Tea drank or put down

Now let us spray. (Not on the Computer screen or the keyboard please)

Roger left for work on Friday morning. Friday was payday, so instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire pay packet.

Finally, Roger appeared at home on Sunday night, and obviously he was confronted by his angry wife, Martha who castigated Roger for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, Martha stopped the nagging and said to Roger, 'How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?'

Roger replied grimly, 'That would be fine with me.'

Monday went by and he didn't see his Martha. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

By the Thursday, the swelling had gone down just enough so that Roger he could see Martha a little out of the corner of his left eye

Do you really believe your husband when he tells you he goes fishing every weekend?' Asks Vicky's best friend, Myra.

'Why shouldn't I, Myra?' responds Vicky. 'Well, maybe he is having an affair?' comments Myra. 'No way,' laughs Vicky, 'he never comes home with any fish.'

Father: Son, what are your results in the end of term examination?

Son: Underwater.

Father: What do you mean, underwater?

Son: Below "C" level.

Things to Say When Caught Asleep On a Friday Afternoon'

They told me at the blood bank this might happen.

I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.

I wasn't sleeping, I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.

Amen

This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about in the last time management course you sent me to.

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.

Hey, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.

This is how to find your wife, even in the busiest shopping mall. Follow these four point instructions, the technique never fails.

Have a look around at the shoppers, then walk up to the prettiest girl in the store.

Say to her, 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?'

The pretty girl will ask: 'Why?'

You reply: 'Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air.'

Do you believe that getting married on a Friday brings bad luck ?

Of course, why would Friday be an exception?

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them talk.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel, the roof caves in.

At the Cock Fight

Q: How do you know if a Polak is at a cock fight?

A: He's the one with a duck under his arm.

Q: How do you know if an Italian is there?

A: He's bet on the duck.

Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there?

A: The duck wins.

Q: What does a nosey pepper do? A: Gets jalapeno business!

Q: What do you call a fake noodle? A: An Impasta

Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest? A: An Investigator

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish? A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: "What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?" A: "You can't tuna fish."

Q: Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato? A: The lettuce was a "head" and the tomato was trying to "ketchup"!

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow? A: Spoiled milk.

Q: Did you hear about that new broom? A: It's sweeping the nation!

Q: What do lawyers wear to court? A: Lawsuits!

Q: What gets wetter the more it dries? A: A towel.

Q: Why did the belt get locked up? A: He held up a pair of pants.

Q: What do you call a fat psychic? A: A four chin teller.

Q: What do you call a computer floating in the ocean? A: A Dell Rolling in the Deep.

Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!

Q: What do you call a computer that sings? A: A-Dell

Q: How do you make a tissue dance? A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: What do you call a gangsta snowman? A: Froze-T

Q: Why did the picture go to jail? A: Because it was framed.

Q: What do you call a three-footed aardvark? A: a yardvark!

Q: What do you get when you cross fish and an elephant? A: Swimming trunks.

Q: Where do bees go to the bathroom? A: At the BP station!

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away? A: A taxi driver.

Q: "How do you shoot a killer bee?" A: "With a bee bee gun."

Q: How do you drown a Hipster? A: In the mainstream.

Q: What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? A: "Where’s Popcorn?"

Q: How do you make holy water? A: Boil the hell out of it!

Q: What happened to the dog that swallowed a firefly? A: It barked with de-light!

Q: What stays in the corner and travels all over the world? A: A stamp.

Q: Why did the computer go to the doctor? A: Because it had a virus!

Q: Why are frogs so happy? A: They eat whatever bugs them

Q: What's the first bet that most people make in their lives? A: the alpha bet

Q. What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? A. Milk and quackers!

Q: How do you organize a space party? A: You planet!

Q: What did the leopard say after eating his owner? A: Man, that hit the "spot."

Q: What do you call a sleeping bull? A: A bulldozer!

Q: Why did the banana go to the Doctor? A: Because it was not peeling well

Q: Why is England the wettest country? A: Because the queen has reigned there for years!

Q: What belongs to you but others use more? A: Your name

Q: Why do fish live in salt water? A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer? A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? A: Frostbite.

Q: What is the best day to go to the beach? A: Sunday, of course!

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog? A: Toad.

Q: What bow can't be tied? A: A rainbow!

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline? A: Spring time.

Q: Where did the computer go to dance? A: To a disc-o.

Tomorrow is Saturday, here's a few Pick Up Lines for you

Man: Haven’t I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I’ll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living? Woman: I’m a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what’s your sign? Woman: Do not enter

. Man: Do you know what'd look good on you? Me. Woman: Do you know what'd look good on you? Nothing !

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Your face must turn a few heads! Woman: And your face must turn a few stomachs!

Man: What are you looken at? Woman: Somethin ugly!

Hope that all coffee and Tea were drank properly with no spillages on the computer or on ones self.

Have a great weekend

Breath Easy

Berwick/Graeme xxx

15 Replies

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  • either you been at it all night or are you copy/paste ? still great though.

    DD

  • you will never know . ha ha

    Berwick

    x

  • so funny thanks x

  • I am here everyday to give my BLF friends their morning tonic that they deserve, laughter and smiles and the odd spilt tea and coffee, what more do you want to have a great start in the morning. I am only here to please glad you enjoyed.

    Berwick xxx

  • Jolly good Friday tonic Berwick.

    Lb x

  • I will try to do better for you tomorrow Libby

    Great Stuff

    Berwick xxx

  • Fabulous Berwick! I love waking up to a good ole chortle! T G I its Friday and not the 13th!

    Thankyou for making me laugh so much! :D :D :D XXX hufferpuffer XXX

  • My pleasure , Hufferpuffer. xxx

  • Just off to eat some yeast and shoe polish, another smilie start to the day and kept lid firmly on the mug. :) :) :) xxx

  • What's this about the show polish???? Glad you had no spills Berwick xxx

  • I didn't have any show polish have you been at the wine already lol xxx

  • I saw the title and thought 'Lady?'. I pondered for a while wondering if that applied to me. Then I decided that I was a lady once so that qualified me................ and glad I did :) Nice one, Berwick! :)

  • lol made up for none yesterday - thanks missed kotc yesterday too is he ok?

  • Good for you, Berwick. You never fail to deliver a good giggle. I enjoyed these with husband>

    Love annieseed xx

  • Gets better each day. Look out for Saturdays already to go to print Ha ha ha.. Enjoy them both of you

    Love to you both Berwick xxx

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