HIM INDOORS IS GETTING BETTER (I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CRY)

He woke up this morning a lot better, the bedroom is a total s##t. tip because of everything he wanted in it. Stained carpets where he knocked his drink over, He wanted to have a shave, I had to push him in the wheelchair from the bed to the bath-room and get all his stuff ready, then when he had finished wheel him to the stair-lift. When he got downstairs I had to get his mobility scooter so he could ride from the stair-lift to the back lounge.

I then had to go back upstairs, get the chemical toilet, nebuliser, oxygen cylinder, tablets, magazines, drinks etc. etc. and take them all back down into the room. He then wanted his dinner. The respiratory nurse came to see him and told him he had to walk to the toilet not ride everywhere. (she doesn't get shouted at).

He has just had his tea and now wants to go upstairs to bed, he refuses to walk so I have to get the mobility scooter which he will ride to the stairlift, then I will push him to the bedroom, get him in bed, check his oxygen sats for the one hundreth time, turn his laptop on, get his tablets out and ensure he has enough drinks.

With a bit of luck I won't here from him until it is time for me to go to bed (sleeping at the bottom again as there is no room at the top because of all his pillows.

When will it all end. I am stuck in day in and day out with a man that gets on my nerves 24/7.

29 Replies

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  • Oh Gosh!

    Enough to drive a Saint to distraction.

    Would a camping bed with a sleeping bag help you get a better nights sleep, even if it is in your lounge, easy to fold up and put out of site.

    Can you get day care? Or any other help.

    I know my sister had a carer come in for her husband at breakfast and bedtime.

    You can bet she will make him walk to the bathroom.

    Sorry you are in such an impossible situation. My heart goes out to you.

    xx Ros xx

  • Hi Sweetthing

    I really admire and feel very sorry for you, at the same time.

    You are obviously living a dogs life with a partner who has little or no idea of the continual sacrifices you are having to make for them.

    I have no sensible suggestions, can you get respite care at least for a day or two now and then? Even if he objects he can't stop you walking out of the door especially if there is someone else there to look after him for a few hours..... friends? relatives? social services?

    He sounds very seriously disabled, isn't there some sort of home help provision?

    I expect you have looked into all this of course..... and to be honest it's an area I know next to nothing about, so sorry if I've stated the 'bleedin' obvious

    I wish there was something I (or anyone) could do.

    If you lived near Somerset I'd pop over and kidnap you for a break and take your place (I have a very full on 'do as you're told' style ..... honed for many years on stroppy teenagers! .... he wouldn't know what hit him! .... in a nice way)

    My sympathies and best wishes

    Izzy x

  • What a blooming shame for you. Many a person would have left him to it before now. You really do need to get professional help both to talk sense into him, and to take him off your hands for a few hours a week.Ask about respite /daycare, if he refuses to go then tell him he will be on his own for the day because you need respite too. I truly admire you but you are not doing your own health any good. Please get help for your own sake.

    ingrid xx

  • No, he is not seriously disabled, he has COPD/Bronchiectasis and is on oxygen 15 hours a day. The problem with him is that he is a wimp, always has been a wimp and always will be a wimp. If he coughs he calls for me, he says he has something stuck in his throat, I think good, you might just choke. He will not do anything for himself whatsoever as he thinks he will die if he stands up. He has been told to exercise and walk more but he will not listen to anybody.

    We have just had a blazing row as I had to get the scooter for him to ride to the chair-lift, then the wheelchair to the bedroom. I told him to just die and get it over with as I am sick of the sight of him.

    I have seen people on scooters on their own at the hospital out- patients with oxygen on who also have COPD, he won't do anything unless I am up his backside. He always says I am worse than they are, how the hell does he know that, he doesn't know them from Adam.

    He is a miserable old f##t.

  • I tend not to comment on personal blogs etc but I have been reading yours with increasing horror. You MUST do something about the way he is treating you. You are being subjected to domestic abuse. It might not be physical but it certainly seems to be psychological and verbal. I appreciate you are married and that there is the old 'in sickness and in health' oath but that doesn't mean you have to put up with the utter crap he is chucking at you on what seems to be an hourly basis.

    I appreciate it might be cathartic telling us how he is treating you but we can't do anything about it. He isn't going to change - only one person can change this situation round and its YOU! You need to get help as izzwhizz says. there has to be a role for social services here, some sort of help at home or respite.

    He needs to understand that you WON'T stand for it anymore.

    If I was you I'd book a holiday, tell him and ring social services as you shut the door behind you. It sounds really harsh and I certainly don't mean it to be, but you are saying you want something to change but you are the only person who can orchestrate the change. Its time your sons stepped in too and gave him a reality check - if he's as big a wimp as you say then they should be able to scare him into it.

    You are suffering at the hands of a very ill, but very effective bully. You are the one with the breath in your lungs to say enough and walk away. Even if it only is for as long as it takes for him to realize what a $#!t he's being.

    Sorry - I hate being so blunt and you really do have my sympathies but you need to be far more selfish - he seems to be driving you towards some sort of nervous or physical breakdown. You need to put in hand the things that you need to, to stop that happening.

    Marie x

  • I back Marie in every word and suggestion she has made. Just listen to all of us, sweetthing!!

  • Me too!

    Lynne xx

  • And me

    Annec

    xxxxx

  • And me,big time!

  • Sweetthing, please take note of everything Marie ( and everyone else!) has said. For your own health and sanity you need to have a total break. We are all here for you but we can only offer 'virtual' support, please, please get someone on side to help you - you really deserve it.

    Jude xx

  • I totally agree hun, you are going to end up in hospital at this rate, you shouldn't have to take all that abuse from anyone.

    Ann x

  • Hi sweetthing

    I can tell you one thing he is ........ a bully!

    And you sweetie, are being bullied.

    He wont change, so you have to; or the rest of your days will follow this pattern.

    So you have to try to do something different, 'cos if you keep doing the same thing then nothing will change and your life will pass in this way until, one day he dies ... and how many years do you want this to carry on.

    I think you should try to speak to someone, try yr GP, there is help out there.....for you!

    (I work with bullied children, they become used to being bullied, they hate it but they think that's just how life is .... they have to change their behaviour (bullied people eventually accept being bullied) and learn how to both less distressed and more confident and assertive)

    If you want change, and since he won't change then you need to look at how you can

    .........hope this does not seem harsh,....... the patterns of relationships between the regular bully and bullied are complicated and breaking those patterns is difficult and you will need help.

    First step, talk to a professional e.g. GP, explain situation ask for help

    That's all I can suggest ..... YOU have to make something change .... even if all that is, is to talk to yr GP (It's not in the NHS interest for you to have a break down and he has to go into a home, they need you to keep coping, so see if they can help ...... CBT counselling springs to mind .... for you ... not him ... I imagine he's beyond changing)

    Best best wishes

    Izzy x

  • Hello Sweetthing

    Izzy is right, you must do something to break the circle.

    I think you said, in a previous post, that your husband has always been as he is now - a bully.

    If we heard from you, in a couple of days, confirming that you had been to your GP to set things in motion we would have a (virtual) party.

    Everyone who has posted here really wants you to do something - something which will eventually give you a better life.

    Please take care of yourself.

    Love and hugs

    Annec

    xxxxx

  • If he did more he would be a lot better , the fitter he gets the more he will be able to do , he can do exercises in bed and sat on the edge of the bed to get him started , can you get any of the rehab team in to see him ? , It sounds as if he enjoys being disabled with all the attention he is getting . I am on oxygen and stll do a lot of the garden and walk my dog , plus housework , shopping ect . He is more than taking the micky . Tell him to do more for himself and get some earplugs . ;-) xx

  • lol @ earplugs and a 'Z' bed. Don't be bullied into sleeping at the foot of the bed!

    And don't allow him to see you take that sacrifice.

    The others are correct, you will burn yourself out . . and who will look after you?

    Keep this going and I would think you will find plenty to chivvy you on while you

    get things moving in the right direction with help.

    xx Ros xx

  • Hi Sweetthing, as I said last week I'd suggest you contact social services and ask for the duty social worker. They may be able to sort out some help for you quickly; at the very least you should get a carers assessment which you are legally entitled to.

    Beth xx

  • I am glad that you found time for yourself today and did some gardening. Your husband was in earshot and maybe this time you spent apart will give him a bit more confidence in his ability to manage by himself

    He seems very frightened about his breathing difficulties and this anxiety will make his situation worse, but he is taking out his problems on you, and he must realise that this cannot continue for both your sakes.

    Can you not sleep in a proper bed tonight and still be close enough to hear if he has a real problem, and emphasise to him that you need to sleep, especially as you are not well yourself. Does he have an urine bottle he can use so that he does not need to get up to go to the toilet and disturb you.

    If you manage to rest, hopefully you will have more strength to ask for help tomorrow.

    Thinking of you

  • Thank you all for your comments, I know the answer is in my hands and I have sat down and made lists out of what I need to do and how to do it, (I could honestly have my bags packed and be gone in a day, I would not want anything in the house apart from my dog, my things and some photographs,) he could keep everything else because it all needs replacing as it is all over 20 odd years old, our bed is nearly 50 years old and dropping to bits because he won't spend any money on anything, but at the end of the day it is the guilt I would feel if I walked out. He would definitely be taken into a home and how would I feel then. I could not enjoy my freedom, my family would never forgive me, even though they tell me to leave him to it, I don't for one moment think they mean permanently, they are talking about me having an odd day here and there.

    I would have some money as I made sure of that, but the house is in his name and there is not a cat in hells chance he would part with it or even share it without a major battle and going through solicitors and then where would I live, i could not live in the house with him so he would go in a home, the house would be put up for sale to pay his care costs and in this climate, we may never sell it.

    To be honest, the worry of doing all that makes me feel positively ill so I am playing the waiting game. When he increases his oxygen to a higher level than he should do, I always tell him off as he could get carbon monoxide poisoning, and the physio has been through this with him time and time again telling him to stop increasing the oxygen when he feels ill, so now I have decided if he doesn't want to listen, take his tablets, use his nebuliser or exercise it is up to him. If he wants to die early then again it is up to him.

    I do appreciate your advice and really wish I had the guts to take it but I don't, I am so low at the moment.

  • Why wouldn't your family forgive you? Let them spend some time looking after your bullying husband and see how they feel then. If they don't recognise what an appalling life you're living and want better for you then who cares what they think? I certainly wouldn't - there are countless lovely people in the world (many of whom are on this site!) who would be happy to befriend you and help.

    STOP THINKING and constantly going through your fears - just take all this good advice and support and do something for you - even if it's just to take the dog for a long walk. Obviously you leave everything he needs easily available ...

    Jude

  • I am so sad for you I am so sorry that you are not able to leave and so sorry you are living with such misery. If you cannot leave try to find a way to get some peace whether you spend a day a week away from the house or an afternoon. I don't worry about him he has a chronic illness but you are being driven to a breakdown. Please talk to someone please try to find some help. If you do collapse under the pressure he will have to find a way! Try to look after yourself. With much love, kind thoughts and best wishes Tad x x x

  • Perhaps you could just start with tiny steps of independence?

    I don't know if you live in town or country but would it be possible for you just tell him you're going out for 5 minutes? Build the time up to 10 etc until you have enough time to visit a friend or go for a coffee.

    He clearly doesn't give a stuff for your wellbeing so it's time for you to gently break his cycle of control. Winter isn't that far off and you'll be trapped inside again with this emotional blackmail.

    Little steps - I'm doing this with my daughter's puppy who's a darling but a total wimp! She clings to my legs, cries if we move out of site. She's learning to stay on her bed for longer & longer periods. It's all rewarding with a pup or a child though.

    Just a thought, has he made a will? I'm hoping not so the home will pass directly to you as next of kin.

    It's easy for us to say, we're not you - I think I might have greased the stairs by now!!

  • I would like to thank everyone for all your kind comments and advice. The only way my life is going to improve is for me to just go and leave him but I can't do that so I am wasting your time by moaning and groaning about something that won't change.

    I have decided that, for the time being at least, I will no longer be posting on this blog.

    Your fantastic help, comments and caring have got me through some absolutely terrible days but it is now time for me to come to terms with something that is going to keep happening.

    Thank you all once again, don't worry about me, I have made my mind up that I am now going to start thinking about me and me alone, okay I will look after him but I will also be putting myself first. I have decided to lose two stones in weight, have someone come to the house to do my nails and get myself back to the woman I was before he retiired seven years ago and turned into a more angry, self centred person who wanted a slave at his beck and call. When I have done this I am going to organise my sons to 'baby-sit' him whilst I go out and if they refuse I WILL get a carer in.

    I have worked out it will take me a couple of months to lose my weight, I have already ordered some new clothes and shoes etc. which I know will fit me when I have lost my weight, and have also ordered from House of Fraser, two very expensive leather bags in different colours.

    So everyone, he better watch out, because I AM ON MY WAY BACK, and because of all your positive comments you have given me the strength to say enough is enough and I have my own life to live.

    Thank you all so very, very much. I will, in the future, when the dust as settled, return to the blogs and let you all know how I am.

    I really hope you all keep as healthy as you possibly can. Thank you so very, very much.

    Best wishes

    XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  • Sweetthing, I see a strong note of positivity running through your message. You have a lot of good advice, and with your common sense, perhaps you can get your life back again. Losing weight, would it be a good idea to join a group. In doing so, you will have new contacts. I am sending you my very best wishes sweetthing. Come back when you are ready. Loads of love from anniseed xx

  • oh no, am sad for you again - I had thought you were making progress in standing up for yourself. This bitterness of yours - however much deserved - is very bad for your health and so I wish you could be feeling more positive. We only ever do things that we think we have some gain from.... cannot see what you are gaining staying in this situation though, can you ?

  • I have been reading your blogs with increasing horror. The man is a nasty bully and does NOT deserve you. I have no answers but this is abuse , pure and nasty abuse. I really feel for you. I think the holiday is a v good idea. So sorry ( pathetic I know ) Adrian

  • Please have second thoughts about leaving this site... you don't need to leave a post just keep in touch with all of us here by reading the jokes etc. I don't think you are wasting my time at least, and I think you will be able to improve your life even if you stay in your home with your husband

    I hope you had a night's sleep, things will always look better when you can have a rest.

    I am glad that you are thinking of yourself and hopefully your situation will gradually improve. I agree with peeg, gradually wean your husband away from his dependence on you, and his confidence will grow as well. Gardening is very therapeutic I find, I am glad you found the time to be outside yesterday, you can be close to him yet doing your own thing.

    Best wishes

  • Forgot to say ...to you get any financial help at all... I arranged to get Attendance Allowance for my partially sighted mother, it is non means tested.

    You can look on line at the GOV website. good luck

  • Happy to hear you have some plans for yourself,& wish with all my heart things work out for you.You do deserve something so much better for yourself,& desperately need to consider your own health,physically & mentally.But I dont have to tell you that,you know!!

    There has been some wonderful advice given here, which I truly hope you take on board.

    So I wont add to it, except for one thing.. I am not familiar with UK law,but imagen it would be pretty much the same as here in Australia.

    If thats the case(I could be wrong!) you would most definetely have a half share in the house.Over here anyway, even if not legally married,once you have lived together 5 years,I think it is,the law is the same as if you were legally married.So please dont think you have no share in the house, after so many years.

    You realy need to get free legal advice, & know exactly where you stand,he could eventually, be put in a home,you must know where you stand in this.

    I do hope you dont leave here,as everyone is supportive of you,& I think its good for you, to have somewhere to let of steam!!

    Hugs to you,take care,

    Love Wendells xxx

  • My two pennies worth - leave him - you know you want to ... xx

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