Nobody is ever satisfied,
Poor men wish they were rich, Rich men wish they were handsome, Bachelors
wish they were married & Married men wish they were Dead
Something for Tuesdays
Ruby Tuesday (Rolling Stones)
Tuesday Weld (American Actress)
Patch Tuesday (Microsoft Updates!)
"Ha! Tuesday. How depressing." Oscar Wilde
One day a Viking named Leif returned after a long sea voyage and found that during his absence his name had been removed from the town register.
He sent his wife to the town hall make a complaint to the mayor.
'I'm sorry,' said the mayor, 'I must have taken Leif off my census.'
Henry, in marketing research, was interviewing people on the street and had button-holed a guy and was asking him a series of questions which went like this.
'Which shaving cream do you use?'
Paul answered, 'Nathan's,' and proceeded to answer each of the interviewer's following questions with the same answer, 'Nathan's.'
'Which aftershave do you use?' -'Nathan's.'
'Which deodorant do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which toothpaste do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which shampoo do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
'Which soap do you use?' - 'Nathan's.'
Finally, a bit frustrated, Henry asked, 'Ok, tell me, What is this "Nathans?" Is it an international or local brand?'
Smiling broadly Paul replied, 'No, he's my flat-mate!'
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Funny Holiday Notices
1) Special cocktails: For the ladies with nuts.
2) Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.
3) Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.
4) Special today - no ice cream.
Will confiscated a rubber band pistol from his algebra class pistol, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
Instructions on Labels
On a blender: On no account improvise as a fish aquarium.
On Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'
On Odour Eaters: Please do not eat.
Senior Texting Codes
Now that we oldies can text, here are some helpful texting ideas. Young people have their acronyms, now seniors have their own texting codes:
Top 10 Senior Texting Codes
* ATD - At the Doctor's
* BFF - Best Friend's Funeral
* BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth
* DWI - Driving While Incontinent
* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
* FYI - Found Your Insulin
* LOL - Living on Lipitor
* ROFL...CGU - Rolling on the Floor Laughing...Can't get Up!
* TOT - Texting on Toilet
* WWNO - Walker Wheels Need Oil
Hope these help. GGLKI (Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!)
It's Tuesday Have a great day and