Daily Laughter

: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

Q: Where do you find a one legged dog?

A: Where you left it.

Q: What did the water say to the boat?

A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

Q: How do you organize a space party?

A: You planet.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A: A cartoon.

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A: It let out a little wine!

Q: What's worse than having a worm in your apple?

A: Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!

Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?

A: Sunday school! ay!

Q: How do you turn soup into gold?

A: Add twenty four carrots!

Q: What did one plate say to the other?

A: Dinner's on me.

Q: Where does the one legged man work?

A: At IHOP.

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko.

Q: Why was the broom late?

A: It over swept!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a doctor?

A: Lots of blood

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: Why didn't the orange cross the road?

A: It ran out of juice.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?

A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why did the Orange go out with a Prune?

A: Because he couldn’t find a Date!

Q: Why is it difficult for a pirate to learn the alphabet?

A: Because he's always gets lost at "C"

Q: How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?

A: Its a chew!

Q: What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?

A: Man, it's nacho day!

Q: How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

A: With experi-mints.

Q: What type of computer sings?

A: A Dell

Q: What type of shorts does a midget wear?

A: Short, Shorts!

Q: Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?

A: Because it makes you break out!

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: Why was the math book sad?

A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: Did you hear about the guy in the car accident lost his entire left side?

A: I heard he's all right.

Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A: A deviled egg!

Q: Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A: He couldn't concentrate!

Q:What lights up a soccer stadium?

A: A soccer match.

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?

A: Tomato Paste!

Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A: They don't have the guts.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?

A: Cell phones.

Q: Whats a bear called without teeth.

A: A gummy bear.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll

Q: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?

A: Because he saw his phone bill.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Q: What did the fruit tree say to the farmer.

A: Stop picking on me.

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A: Odor in the court.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idear

Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A: Tell you tomorrow

Q: How do bees get to school?

A: On the school buzz!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call a cow who just had a calf?

A: Decalf-enated!

Q: What do you get when you cross a mean dog and a computer?

A: You get a mega-bite!

Q: What goes up and never comes down?

A: Your age!

Q: Where does dracula keep his money?

A: In the blood bank

Q: If you hold 9 oranges in one hand and 10 lemons in another, what do you have?

A: Really big hands!

Q: What says "oh, oh, oh"?

A: Santa walking backwards

Q: Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?

A: Because he kept goin! and goin! and goin!

Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

A: “Give me my quarterback!”

Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A: Because his parents were in a jam!

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A: Thanks! I'll never part with it!

Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A: Patty!

Q: What happens to cows during an earthquake?

A: They give milk shakes!

Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?

A: Dead ends!

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake?

A: Because she wanted to test the waters!

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

A: He was to chicken.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: Roamin' Catholic.

Q: What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

A: A Slipper.

Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew! chew!"

Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A: A Clausterphobic

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?

A: Nacho Cheese

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: What washes up on very small beaches?

A: Microwaves!

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q: Why did the barber win the race?

A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?

A: He wanted a higher education!

Q: What type of star is dangerous?

A: A shooting star!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: What dog keeps the best time?

A: A watch dog.

Q: How do baseball players stay cool?

A: Sit next to their fans.

Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

A: Because they dropped out of school!

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?

A: Lawsuits!

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

A: Post Office!

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?

A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?

A: So he could have sweet dreams.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?

A: Because it was framed.

Q: What kind of key opens a banana?

A: A monkey!

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?

A: B

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q: What is the only type of dog that knows what time it is?

A: A watch dog!

Q: Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

A: The retail store!

Q: What does a grape say when it gets smushed?

A: Nothing -- it just lets out a little wine!

Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?

A: He sensed fowl play.

Q: Why didn't the teacher fart in the classroom?

A: Because she was a private tooter.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?

A: Because your nose touches the ceiling!

Q: If a whole nation drove pink cars what would it be?

A: A Pink Car-Nation!

Q: What do you find in the middle of nowhere?

A: The letter "h"!

Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?

A: A township

Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?

A: A shhh....elf!

Q: What has holes but never spills water?

A: A sponge!

Q. On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks. Who are those men?

A. They are the umpire and the catcher.

Q: What did one wall say to the other?

A: Meet you at the corner

I will let your tears of laughter stop and your sore ribs to get better

Have a great weekend my friends

12 Replies

oldestnewest
  • You're going to run out of jokes one day berwick, you have a good weekend too.

    Lib x

  • Haha!! Berwick these are great,got the Grandkiddies coming this weekend they are going to be in fits of giggles when I share these with them thank you! Have a great weekend! :D X

  • What are you going to do when you run out of Christmas crackers ???

  • the jokes will run out when my oxygen runs out. lol xx

  • Omg,I'm out of breath reading them,lol! xxx

  • Had to give up before even reading half cos tears of laughter running down my face & couldn't see. Will go back to them when I am more composed. xxxx

  • Nice to see you back ex blonde, hope you had a great time. xxx

  • Glad to see these - very good and very funny. Someone was complaining about the lack of humour on this site! I would rather see good quality stuff like this as well as more serious stuff which was the reason for the forum in the first place. love anniseed x

  • Thank you, I like yourselves have a lung and heart conditions and I do this you to put a smile on someones face who just needs a little cheering up. Glad you enjoy.xxx

  • Snap!

  • Love them specially the ET one. Some more

    What do you call a woman with tiles on her head

    Ruth

    What do you call a woman with eggs and bacon on her head

    Cath

    What do you call a donkey with 3 legs

    A wonkey

    What do you call a stag with no eyes and no legs

    Still no idea

    What do you call Postman Pat when he is sacked

    Pat

    Bev x

  • thank you x

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