British Lung Foundation
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Daily Laughter

: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

A: Frostbite.

Q: What has four wheels and flies?

A: A garbage truck.

Q: Where do you find a one legged dog?

A: Where you left it.

Q: What did the water say to the boat?

A: Nothing, it just waved.

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A: Spoiled milk.

Q: How do you organize a space party?

A: You planet.

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?

A: They take the psycho path.

Q: What do you call a song sung in an automobile?

A: A cartoon.

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

A: Because then it would be a foot!

Q: What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

A: It let out a little wine!

Q: What's worse than having a worm in your apple?

A: Taking a bite and finding a half of a worm in the apple!

Q: In which school do you learn to make ice cream?

A: Sunday school! ay!

Q: How do you turn soup into gold?

A: Add twenty four carrots!

Q: What did one plate say to the other?

A: Dinner's on me.

Q: Where does the one legged man work?


Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

A: Quatro sinko.

Q: Why was the broom late?

A: It over swept!

Q: What do you get when you cross a vampire with a doctor?

A: Lots of blood

Q: How do you make a tissue dance?

A: Put a little boogey in it!

Q: Why didn't the orange cross the road?

A: It ran out of juice.

Q: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?

A: He wanted cold hard cash!

Q: Why did the traffic light turn red?

A: You would too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: Why can't you borrow money from a leprechaun?

A: Because they're always a little short.

Q: Why did the Orange go out with a Prune?

A: Because he couldn’t find a Date!

Q: Why is it difficult for a pirate to learn the alphabet?

A: Because he's always gets lost at "C"

Q: How is a piece of gum like a sneeze?

A: Its a chew!

Q: What did the melted cheese say to the unlucky tortilla?

A: Man, it's nacho day!

Q: How do scientists keep their breath fresh?

A: With experi-mints.

Q: What type of computer sings?

A: A Dell

Q: What type of shorts does a midget wear?

A: Short, Shorts!

Q: Why did Tommy throw the clock out of the window?

A: Because he wanted to see time fly!

Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?

A: Because it makes you break out!

Q: Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?

A: He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Q: Why was the math book sad?

A: Because it had too many problems.

Q: Did you hear about the guy in the car accident lost his entire left side?

A: I heard he's all right.

Q: What kind of egg did the bad chicken lay?

A: A deviled egg!

Q: Why did the man at the orange juice factory lose his job?

A: He couldn't concentrate!

Q:What lights up a soccer stadium?

A: A soccer match.

Q: How do you repair a broken tomato?

A: Tomato Paste!

Q: Why don't skeletons fight each other?

A: They don't have the guts.

Q: What do prisoners use to call each other?

A: Cell phones.

Q: Whats a bear called without teeth.

A: A gummy bear.

Q: Where do polar bears vote?

A: The North Poll

Q: Why are E.T.'s eyes so big?

A: Because he saw his phone bill.

Q: How do you catch a squirrel?

A: Climb a tree and act like a nut!

Q: What did the fruit tree say to the farmer.

A: Stop picking on me.

Q: What did the judge say when the skunk walked in the court room?

A: Odor in the court.

Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

A: No idear

Q: How do you keep an idiot in suspense?

A: Tell you tomorrow

Q: How do bees get to school?

A: On the school buzz!

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A: A stick.

Q: What do you call a cow who just had a calf?

A: Decalf-enated!

Q: What do you get when you cross a mean dog and a computer?

A: You get a mega-bite!

Q: What goes up and never comes down?

A: Your age!

Q: Where does dracula keep his money?

A: In the blood bank

Q: If you hold 9 oranges in one hand and 10 lemons in another, what do you have?

A: Really big hands!

Q: What says "oh, oh, oh"?

A: Santa walking backwards

Q: Why wouldn't the Energizer Bunny come out of the bathroom?

A: Because he kept goin! and goin! and goin!

Q: What did the football coach say to the broken vending machine?

A: “Give me my quarterback!”

Q: Why did the baby strawberry cry?

A: Because his parents were in a jam!

Q: What did the bald man say when he got a comb for his birthday?

A: Thanks! I'll never part with it!

Q: What did the hamburger name his daughter?

A: Patty!

Q: What happens to cows during an earthquake?

A: They give milk shakes!

Q: What streets do ghosts haunt?

A: Dead ends!

Q: Why did the teacher jump into the lake?

A: Because she wanted to test the waters!

Q: Why didn't the chicken cross the road?

A: He was to chicken.

Q: What do you call a sleepwalking nun?

A: Roamin' Catholic.

Q: What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

A: A Slipper.

Q: What is the difference between a school teacher and a train?

A: The teacher says spit your gum out and the train says "chew chew! chew!"

Q: What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa?

A: A Clausterphobic

Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Q: What do you call cheese that is not yours?

A: Nacho Cheese

Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter?

A: I better not tell you, it might spread.

Q: What washes up on very small beaches?

A: Microwaves!

Q: Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks?

A: Neither, they both weigh a ton!

Q: Why did the barber win the race?

A: Because he took a short cut.

Q: Why did the child study in the airplane?

A: He wanted a higher education!

Q: What type of star is dangerous?

A: A shooting star!

Q: What did the stamp say to the envelope?

A: Stick with me and we will go places!

Q: Why couldn't the pirate play cards?

A: Because he was sitting on the deck!

Q: Did you hear the joke about the roof?

A: Never mind, it's over your head!

Q: What happens if you eat yeast and shoe polish?

A: Every morning you'll rise and shine!

Q: What dog keeps the best time?

A: A watch dog.

Q: How do baseball players stay cool?

A: Sit next to their fans.

Q: Why are some fish at the bottom of the ocean?

A: Because they dropped out of school!

Q: What do lawyers wear to court?

A: Lawsuits!

Q: What starts with a P, ends with an E, and has a million letters in it?

A: Post Office!

Q: What did the blanket say to the bed?

A: Don't worry, I've got you covered!

Q: Why did the boy sprinkle sugar on his pillow before he went to sleep?

A: So he could have sweet dreams.

Q: Why did the picture go to jail?

A: Because it was framed.

Q: What kind of key opens a banana?

A: A monkey!

Q: How do you know that carrots are good for your eyesight?

A: Have you ever seen a rabbit wearing glasses?

Q: What did one elevator say to the other elevator?

A: I think I'm coming down with something!

Q: What do you call a bear without an ear?

A: B

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?

A. German Shepherds.

Q: What is the only type of dog that knows what time it is?

A: A watch dog!

Q: Where did the cat go when it lost it's tail?

A: The retail store!

Q: What does a grape say when it gets smushed?

A: Nothing -- it just lets out a little wine!

Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?

A: He sensed fowl play.

Q: Why didn't the teacher fart in the classroom?

A: Because she was a private tooter.

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?

A: Because your nose touches the ceiling!

Q: If a whole nation drove pink cars what would it be?

A: A Pink Car-Nation!

Q: What do you find in the middle of nowhere?

A: The letter "h"!

Q: What does a houseboat become when it grows up?

A: A township

Q: What do you get when you cross a library and an elf?

A: A shhh....elf!

Q: What has holes but never spills water?

A: A sponge!

Q. On your way home you take a right and three lefts then you see two men in masks. Who are those men?

A. They are the umpire and the catcher.

Q: What did one wall say to the other?

A: Meet you at the corner

I will let your tears of laughter stop and your sore ribs to get better

Have a great weekend my friends

12 Replies

You're going to run out of jokes one day berwick, you have a good weekend too.

Lib x


Haha!! Berwick these are great,got the Grandkiddies coming this weekend they are going to be in fits of giggles when I share these with them thank you! Have a great weekend! :D X


What are you going to do when you run out of Christmas crackers ???


the jokes will run out when my oxygen runs out. lol xx


Omg,I'm out of breath reading them,lol! xxx


Had to give up before even reading half cos tears of laughter running down my face & couldn't see. Will go back to them when I am more composed. xxxx


Nice to see you back ex blonde, hope you had a great time. xxx


Glad to see these - very good and very funny. Someone was complaining about the lack of humour on this site! I would rather see good quality stuff like this as well as more serious stuff which was the reason for the forum in the first place. love anniseed x


Thank you, I like yourselves have a lung and heart conditions and I do this you to put a smile on someones face who just needs a little cheering up. Glad you




Love them specially the ET one. Some more

What do you call a woman with tiles on her head


What do you call a woman with eggs and bacon on her head


What do you call a donkey with 3 legs

A wonkey

What do you call a stag with no eyes and no legs

Still no idea

What do you call Postman Pat when he is sacked


Bev x


thank you x


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