Please note if you are easily offended do not read
Thank you for all your amazing comments yesterday
Born free, taxed to death.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened.
A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
What is faster Hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
A day without sunshine is like.................well, night.
Seen it all, done it all...........can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword..........get shot by those who don't.
Nothing is foolproof.............to a sufficiently talented fool.
Everybody lies........but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
Just remember........if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
When I die, I want to die like my grandmother who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.
There are two kinds of people in this world: those who think there are two kinds of people in this world and those who donâ€™t.
Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.
The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.
I once prayed to god for a bike, but quickly found out he didnt work that way...so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.
A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...
You can't be late until you show up.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway
Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.
Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources
books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay..so if you keep reading, you'll go broke
Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
A Junior School pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead.
“How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?! ?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.
There is no such thing as having a Senior Moment anymore
It is now called a CRAFT Moment
Cannot Remember A Flaming Thing
(You all thought I was going to say a naughty word then didn't you)
Have a great weekend one and all.
Breath Easy my friends