As you all know my husband was rushed into hospital on Friday night because he could not breath(COPD/Bronchiectasis), he has once again contracted the nasty little bug Pseudomonus that lives in the lungs and keeps rearing it's ugly head. l have been really poorly since the day he went in, not being able to visit him. He was told by the specialist they were keeping him in until the end of this week at the earliest to make sure the antibiotics he was getting through his IV had cleared everything up. I was grateful for that as I honestly could not have coped with him at home and I am now on antibiotics and steroids (Asthma and chest infection), and could not face making him meals and running up and down after him.
Yesterday I got a call to say he was coming home, I could have wept, I could hardly get myself out of bed but I did, when I got to the hospital I found out that he had been pestering to go home and they said he could if he took his antibiotics and steroids I told them I was so poorly I could not look after him, they told me that he had talked about signing himself out if he wasn't released. I was absolutely incensed with him.
From 6 o'clock last night, when we walked through the front door he started being ill, couldn't breathe. shouting at me to get this and get that, he had his concentrator canulas up his nose, he was using his oxygen cylinder mask all at the same time, he wanted his nebuliser on. I had to set the mobility scooter up so he could drive it through the house instead of walking, he was using oxygen cylinders up like there was no tomorrow turning them up to 4 and 5, he wouldn't listen to me at all. I was back and forwards carrying the cylinders, taking them off putting them on.
I had to sleep at the bottom of the bed as he wanted space to spread out and I was awake all night. I haven't been to see him this morning as I can't face it. I still feel terrible, I am sat here crying as I know I have another day of fetching and carrying in front of me.
Why on earth don't the hospital staff ensure he has someone to look after him before sending him home, they should ask the people concerned not him as he is so selfish all he thinks about is himself.
When he refused the ambulance last night, and was carrying on, I thought sod him if he dies, he dies I have got past caring. In fact I hoped he would die as I can't take anymore.
This really can't go on Sweething. Could your family look after him for a few days so that you can go off somewhere for a break? At the very least, I think you need to see your doctor about getting some respite care for you. You can't take more of this.
Lynne xx
Big hugs sweetthing.You do sound at the end of your tether.What a shame you didint refuse to take him home.He definetely needs a wake up call,my guess is,that's he's a frightened little man,or bully for the want of a better word!!
You realy have to start making a stand,hopefully with help from your sons,or you are not going to be good for anyone,let alone yourself.What if you are hospitalised??
I'm not going to give any other suggestions,sweet,it's all been said before.....
Do take care of yourself,& let us know how you are fareing
I agree with Lynne you need to talk to someone about the situation, start with your GP he may get in touch with community nurses someone needs to see what you are going through.
I believe you have had dealings with the community matron before, why not give her a call and ask her to come out and see you she may be able to help. Don't even tell him, you have got to look after yourself now.
Oh i do feel for you what a situation to be in you must ask your doctor if you can have help like a carer When i broke my leg badly on coming home the carers came 3 times a day for 8 weeks but maybe that's because i live alone but you are ill and cant cope so you need help take care love Dorothyxx
Om my lord - this is so miserable for you. Call your Doctor and ask for help. Ask him to come out and see him. Have you a nurse you can ring. What about trying the helpline number - perhaps they could help you and give you some practical advise.
I know this is probably a bit alien to you - but perhaps you need to overplay your hand and explain to the doctors you cannot look after him, you are too ill.
Please look after yourself and try to find some help. You are allowed to have a good quality of life.
My thoughts and prayers are with you, TAD xxx
My son was there last night when he came home from hospital and saw exactly what he was like, my sons have never seen him treating me like his own personal servant, as when they visit he is the life and soul of the party so they think I am making things sound worse than they are things. He told his dad in no uncertain terms, that it is his illness not mine and if he keeps on treating me like he does then he will have no-one to look after him, he said sorry to me for thinking I was complaining all the time and didn't realise how selfish his dad had become. He told his dad that he knows he is ill but he is dragging me down with him and I am not his skivvy. He told him he should have stayed in hospital instead of moaning and groaning about getting home as he wasn't thinking about me being so poorly only about himself. My husband kept trying to butt in and said it WAS all about him as he was the one very ill and my son said it wasn't, it is also about me (his mum) and that I shouldn't have to be made ill because of his selfish ways, and if he lived on his own, he would have to cope, so my husband said he couldn't cope on his own, so my son said well, you would have to go in a home then, wouldn't you. My husband said, well you would lose your inheritance then wouldn't you, and my son said I don't give a ###### about your money I am worried about my mum. That shut him up.
My son has come up with a plan, he works from home one day a week and has suggested coming to our house and working from there, his dad will be in another room so if he wants anything he can ask him, this will give me a day on my own to go out and meet my friends. I have told him thank you very much and when I start feeling better, I will definitely take him up on his kind offer.
So there is light at the end of the tunnel and something to look forward to.
I still feel poorly and have come downstairs to watch a film and have some dinner, so him upstairs can do what he likes, he has two oxygen tanks, one oxygen concentrator, a nebuliser, nasal canulas, masks, all his medication and his urinal so I don't want to hear from him until next week, preferably next month.
Thank you all for thinking about me.
in reply to
that is great news ... now your son knows and can help you, life will be easier and most importantly you will not be on your own in this. Maybe draw up your set of rules, eg... no shouting, asking please, saying thankyou, asking you for things all at once, rather than one at a time, you will not respond immediately if you do not need to, etc etc. Will be interesting for you to witness if he treats your son ike a servant too... and if not, it shows he can treat you differently than he does. MAKE YOUR RULES, DEMANDS AND CHOICES.... no I am not shouting at you, just wanted you definitely to see that bit :)) take care of you . xx
Oh sweetthing, I wish I was near enough to you to come and give you a big cuddle. My wife's first husband was exactly like yours. Every single thing for his benefit and controlling her all the time. When they changed the law so that mental abuse was regarded the same as physical abuse the council gave her accommodation. When I met her a year later he was still trying to control her. That was soon stopped. I really think it is time for you to go sweetheart. You have a life to live too.
I am so sorry that things have come to this pass. It seems as though your husband thinks he has a slave.
Well done to your son for his offer of working from your home so that you can at least have one day a week to your self.
A visit to your GP to explain how things are at your home is a really good idea - don't pretend that things are fine (I think our generation tends to pretend that things are OK). Tell him or her the truth.
I hope that things eventually turn out well for you - they won't if you don't say to your GP how your really feel.
Hi Sweetthing. If I lived near you I'd go round there and give the selfish git a piece of my mind ! This man is a bully. Good on your son to offer to help and back you up. You MUST put your foot down once and for all. Even if he moans there is nothing he can do about it. Best of luck. x x
Time for you now, sweet thing. You have done your best and that has been thrown back at you. You could just be out sometimes when he shouts for something. Even if you are just in the garden. Good luck and courage to say "No," sometimes. Alison
Perhaps you need to look after yourself first!!
Contact the council and get a social care assessment for yourself and him! Get any help you can.
On a positive note, your blog made me appreciate my wife more.
how on earth have you coped for so long .... if the roles where reversed would he look after you (I think not) I bet he would have you whipped off to a nursing home and get all the help he needed. Like a lot of the others have said its good that your son is finally standing up to him and can see your side of the story, but long term you really need to speak to a professional about this as it is nothing short of mental cruelty. Sometimes it is easier to just carry on but it sounds like this situation is really making you ill so for your own peace of mind and your sons please please get some help.
Dear sweetthing12, please enquire into help for carers, respite care.
You are not able to cope with this situation and your husband needs to learn you need a break from his demands, he is ill but you are also ill. You need to start putting your own health first, if you become more ill, you won't be there for him any way, so please give yourself a break from this situation somehow, through family, respite care or a nursing home, anything to give yourself some time to care for your own health.
Here are a couple of links about respite care, I am sure you will be able to access something in your area:
I feel you need to ask your family members to take over for a while until you can work something more suitable for YOU out.
Don't hesitate to ring the helpline for further advice on this.
Sending you the will and strength to find help for yourself.
Take good care.
BC x
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PS Your son who saw what was happening can be a great help to you, ask him to help you find some respite care, then during the time of respite, think about something more permanent like a nursing home, somewhere you can visit daily if you want to or not.
Thank you all for your comments but something else has happened today. I will write a new blog under HOSPITAL SAYS THERE IS NOTHING WRONG
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Back in Hospital with this nasty infection.
Back in hospital for the 11th time
Afraid to go back to work.
