As you all know my husband suffers from COPD and Bronchiectasis.

Last year he was in hospital numerous times with pneumonia then in February of this year he was given Zithromax, (Azithromycin) three days a week for anti-inflammatory purposes and never had an infection until it all kicked off yesterday.

I rang for the ambulance and it came (Red light), he has pneumonia, and now on IV drips of antibiotics etc.

Three days ago he started feeling ill with a temperature so I got his emergency antibiotics out for him to take, but I found out in hospital last night that he had not taken them and the reason was he wanted to wait to see if it would pass over.

This is what I am up against, he will only do what he wants to do and we all have to suffer the consequences. I also found out when looking in his medical bag he had stopped taking the Mucodyne and had cut down on his Nebuliser usage, he is supposed to use it six times a day but he cut it down to 3, when I asked him why, he said, the noise frightens the dog.

So because of his stupidity he is in hospital on a drip, we are now having to visit him and I am ill myself as I think he has given my the bug he has got. I didn't get home from hospital until 1 am this morning as he didn't want me to leave him. I am too ill to visit today and at the moment am having a cup of coffee and a sit down without having to run backwards and forwards after him.

I have told him in no uncertain terms, this is the end of it, if he doesn't start taking his medication and listening to me instead of telling me to shut my mouth and mind my own business then I am leaving him as I am sick to the back teeth of him and his selfish ways. I have now told my sons what I am going through (I always hid it from them) and they agree with me that he doesn't deserve me and they will back me up with whatever I decide to do.

Sorry about the rant but this should have never happened, everyone is backing his corner but himself and he doesn't deserve the help he is getting.

He said last night that he thought he was dying so I told him that if he had died it would have been his own fault and if this is the way he is behaving we couldn't care less as we are all fed up of his stupid, selfish ways.

45 Replies

  • So sorry for all that you are going through....thinking of you

  • I know you have had a lot to put up with for a long time now.

    Whilst he is in hospital, it might give you an opportunity to think things through, I hope he does as well. One thing is for sure, you cannot keep doing what you have been for him, particularly as he does nothing to help himself.

    Try to rest as well, you don't get much chance to do that. Perhaps a rota for visiting within the family so that you don't have to go to the hospital all the time?

    Lynne xx

  • You deserve a rant after the way he treats you. The ball is in his court now. If he doesn't take his medicines then that's his problem I'm afraid to say.

  • Hello Sweetthing, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and you don't sound well at all,I think you need to get yourself down to the doctors and get some AB's for yourself.You sound exhausted and you need some( lots of ) TLC sooner rather than later. The strain must be terrible,all I can say is put your own health in the forefront now while he is being cared for in hospital, let your sons do the visiting and concentrate your energies on getting well.

    Keep us updated love huff xxx

  • Hi please try to have a rest ,but when someone is in hospital this is harder sometimes because of viaiting so do try to spread it out between the rest of the family

    Take care


  • Sweetthing for what it's worth I deeply deeply sympathise. No need to apologise for your rant lord knows how you put up with it. My wife Ann cares for me, there is nothing she will not do, except take some time out for herself after the family and I gang up on her and insist.

    The only thing I can do is behave myself as it were, take meds n nebs as prescribed eat the lovely grub she prepares for me and let her know how much I appreciate all the things he does. It is hard sometimes to see her unguarded looks of concern and worry I try to reassure her everything's OK.

    We each have our own life to lead to sublimate yours for someone who does little to care for himself seems to me unbalanced but these are judgements only you can make.

    I wish you luck and a little peace in your life

    Bless you, Chris x

  • Yes sweetthing you must look after yourself, there is nothing you can do for your husband whilst he is in hospital, take the opportunity to have some you time and get yourself checked out by the doctor.

    Hope everything works out well

    polly xx

  • Thank you everyone, I am now at the end of my tether, I honestly thought he was taking his medications as his mind his fine and I just make sure, every month, when his prescription comes, that his bag is stocked up for the next month, I put the tablets he needs in his pill box for the week ahead and keep his nebuliser caplets in the nebuliser box so I can fill it for him but he told me that I was treating him like a baby and he would do it himself which made me think at least he was improving slightly, but no, because he was feeling a bit better he stopped bothering and that is when I found unopened boxes of drugs he hadn't taken, so now I will be back to literally putting them in his hand and standing over him whilst he takes them, or I can think s## him and let him take the consequences.

    He bought a stairlift a while ago and a mobility scooter the other day so now I have to hump that darned thing in and out of the car, I wanted to change our car for an adapted one but he refused saying 'other wives manage to do it so why can't you'. It is a good thing as I won't have to push him but he has been going to pulmonary re-hab and now wants me to take his scooter with us and also his wheelchair as he needs to push the wheelchair around to hold him up doing the exercises as he can't stand on his own. So that means I have to get the scooter parts out, then assemble it, get him on it, then get the wheelchair out and the oxygen cylinders and push it into the class, then coming out I have to dismantle the scooter, get it into the car and then get him into the car and put the wheelchair and oxygen cylinders away.

    What is so heartbreaking is that he does not think there is anything wrong with what he is asking me to do.

    At the moment I honestly don't care what happens.

  • When he gets back tell him No you can't lift the scooter into the car he should have thought about that before he bought it. You must look after yourself.

    polly xx

  • Those scooters are blinking heavy, sweetthing, dont know that you should even trying. You wont be much good to him if you have a bad back.. I dont know where you go, but many towns have scooters for free hire, plus free parking. Also National Trust and supermarkets.

  • Sweetthing when he gos to rehab tell him you are only taking the wheelchair as you

    can not manage the two and stick to it.

    If he still wants the two say he Will have to help put the two in the car and out.

    I know it Will be hard but when he comes home you Will have to tell him things

    have to change and you have to be hard at it .it mite hurt him at first and he mite say things just. Take what he say with a pinch of salt tell him he has to start doing things for him self even if it is small or things you know deep down he can do him

    self.hope it works. Out for the two of you .

  • Oh dear Sweetthing I think you need to take this time to think long and hard about the way forward for you. Now you have told your sons that is the first step and maybe the second step is to believe the old sod will manage quite well if you are not there all the while.

    Whilst I hope the OH gets well soon I hope it is not too soon for your sake. Take care please.



  • Hi Sweetthing, so sorry for the turn of events, it must be so stressful for you at least hubby is in a place where he can be cared for and if you are ill with a virus yourself its not advisable to visit the hospital usually.

    Look after yourself and I am sure the hospital will look after your husband.

    Hope you are both feeling better soon.

  • Gosh Sweetthing it is all so terrible for you. All you do for your husband and never appreciated, you need to do something about it but what, your are in a terrible situation. Relax and enjoy this bit of space you've been given, hope you keep well.

    Lib x

  • Thank you all so very much, yes, there will have to be changes when he gets home.

    I have seen four specialist over the past two years and had every test known to man but still I was not feeling quite right, I had lost three stones in weight etc. etc. for no reason at all BUT I was feeling great, apart from sore eyes and mouth ulcers, I had every test known to man as they thought it was cancer but they could not find out what was wrong with me, then finally the last specialist I saw said he thought I had Sjogrens Syndrome. Dry eyes, dry mouth, aches and pains, I only had dry eyes and a dry mouth but they were covered in ulcers and I had to wear dark glasses and suck lozenges every day. Even though I was like I was I still had to look after him because he told me his illness was more important than mine and he came first.

    Finally I saw the specialist who deals with this disease (but my husband didn't want me to go, he said I shouldn't be leaving him on his own) but I told him this time I am putting myself first and left him. I finally have a proper diagnosis after two years of wondering what was wrong me and you know what, I rang him from the hospital to tell him what had happened and he said, 'just to break you off, is there a cafe nearby that sells Paninis, I want a cheese and ham one', so I slammed the 'phone down on him.

    He did this the last time I saw the specialist, asked for a sandwich not interested in what i had to tell him. When I got home and was telling him about everything that had gone on, he said 'okay, I get the drift'.

  • I think you do need to start looking after yourself sweetthing, without your good health you wont be able to take care of anyone else, so really your health does come high on the list. I think until you are feeling up to things perhaps you can arrange for your husband to go into a care home when he is out of hospital and just have him home 2 days a week, when you are feeling up to it, something along those lines. Don't put yourself under any pressure about it though, perhaps chat with the family and health care professionals about this. Sjogrens Syndrome can be quite debilitating, make sure you treat the dry eyes, (artificial tears is a good product) there are mouth sprays as well but chat with the doctor about these if he has not already advised you on this.

    Take good care of yourself

    BC x

  • Thank you, now I have been diagnosed I am getting them on prescription, I was paying for them myself before as I hadn't been diagnosed with anything as they didn't know what was wrong with me, it has taken over two years to sort it out, I started March 2011 and diagnosed this week June 2013.

  • Sweetthing12

    I could be diplomatic and say "there, there" I prefer to be blunt and say "Get the hell out of there". You deserve far more than what you are getting from him. You have done everything asked of you for far too long. Now it is time to think of yourself. Go girl, GO!

    Lots of love and hugs from

    Bobby xxxxx

  • Hey Sweetthing I have a spare room if you need a break :)

  • Bless you. I am not going to visit him tomorrow either I am too poorly, my other son is going instead, so I will see what Monday brings.

  • To be perfectly honest, I could not live with myself if I left him as he would go into a home and it would kill him. I will have to put my foot down though.

    He has just rung to tell me what has happened with the specialist and they told him if he had taken his emergency antibiotics when he first started being ill we would not be in this position, but he won't have it. He knows best.

  • Been thinking of you again this morning....could your family take the opportunity while your husband is in hospital to discuss with the staff ,out of his hearing maybe, the difficulties at home and see if respite care can be arranged for you.

    I have been both a carer and a now have breathing problems myself, so have some idea what it is like. There must be help out there.

    Best wishes

  • Oh dear sweetthing,life certainly is int being very kind to you,is it?

    You certainly should not be going up to the hospital, whilst not well, to many nasty bugs lurking up there.Let your sons explain why you are not there.

    Glad you have told the boys,about life with there father,one good step. Go & spoil yourself whilst he is there,you'll have some free time!

    You know, how you said it would kill him to go into care for a while? I personally don't think it would, selfish people always find someone else to fetch & carry for them! It might make him appreciate you a tad more.I thought Blakeys suggestions, were spot on.

    Enlist the aid of your boys & nursing staff etc. where theres a will, theres a way!

    Anyway, take care of yourself,or you wont be looking after anyone!

    Heres to brighter days ahead,hugs to you,

    Love Wendells xxx

  • My heart breaks for you and what you put up with .while he is in hospital sit and have a good think what is best for you ,it sounds like you have a lot of support with your sons so do what is best for you not him .And remember we are always here

  • Thank you all very much, I have just been to bed for a few hours feel worse now than I did before I went.

  • Sweetthing

    YHour husband is a bully!!!!

    I think that Blakey's idea of your husband going into a care facility while you have some time for yourself if a very good idea. I do not believe that your husband will die if he has to be looked after in such a place. It may make him realise exactly what you do for him. I doubt very much that he would be able to bully the care staff (he may try but it won't wash).

    Do you have somewhere to go if you leave him? If you do then Bobby's suggestion is a great idea.

    I'm feeling so angry about the way that you are treated. Would one of your sons look after him for a while?

    Please do think of yourself for a change - don't fall for any emotional blackmail either! Your husband is the type of person who will manage very well whatever his circumstances.

    Take care lovely lady and DO NOT go back to the same regime.

    Love and hugs



  • Thank you for your kind comments, no, my daughters-in-law would, under no circumstances look after him.

    When he gets home things will have to change, I have not been ill like this for a long time and it is because I am so run down that I am ill and I am glad I haven't to visit him in hospital because I just can't be bothered.

  • Sweet thing, if you keep running around after him you will make yourself too ill to look after him. Also, while you have a bug you think you have caught from him, you should not be visiting him in hospital. What about the other patients? I can't advise you when it comes to your relationship but I divorced my kid's father who was so selfish. It gave me and my kids space to breath. I since married again and I would not swop him for anything. He does get told sometimes when he is expecting too much. He respected me and the kids right from the start. The difference was amazing. We all became more confident when we were not living with someone who treated me like a slave. Perhaps your sons could have a crisis meeting with him. Something has to give or it will be your health. Best of luck and love :-) :-) Alison

  • Thank you so much for your reply, no, I have definitely not been to visit him in hospital, besides being too ill myself I would not have gone to see him with a cold.

    He rang me this morning at 7 am to see if I was going to see him today and with a list of things he wanted, I told him no, I was still too poorly and it was taking me all my time to make myself a up of tea. He said well I hope you can get here tomorrow I need you to give me a shower, I haven't had one since Friday. I told him that under no circumstances was I visiting him until I was well enough and even then there is not a cat in hells chance I would be giving him a shower, and to ask the nurses to give him a wash down.

    He refuses to wear the hospital pyjamas so I am having to send his day clothes in so I am not even having a break from washing his damned clothes, my sons takes clean ones in and brings his dirty washing home. He is even controlling me from hospital. I honestly feel that even when I am well enough to visit him I will tell him I am still ill so I don't have to go.

  • Sweetthing I feel for you, while he is in hospital take some time to rest and build yourself up. Let you sons do the visiting and get them to give hubby a talking to. Can your sons do the washing? oh and If I were you I would turn off the bell on the phone overnight. Gosh you must be a saint to put up with him if it were me I would have been on my bike a long time ago. I know we should love one another but there are limits. lots of love & xxxxx's

  • At last sweetthing you appear to have said the right things to him.Well done

    Richard xxx

  • Thanks everyone, I really appreciate you caring.

    He rang me AGAIN this morning, this time to tell me that I had not left his toilet bag and his tablets. I told him YES I have left his toilet bag and YES the tablets are with the nurses as they took the ones they needed off me when he was admitted. He said that they couldn't find them so I told him to tell the nurses that they may be on the ward he was admitted to on Friday night as the nurse in charge took them from me. He rang back and said no, they couldn't find them, so I had to ring the ward he was first in and ask the nurse who took the drugs from me where she had put them, luckily it was her I spoke to and she said she had found them and had now given them to his new ward, so all is now back to normal.

    He told me the nurses had taken him for a wash, but I have now been given a list of things he needs for my son to take in when he visits today. God I cannot get away from him for a flaming second.

    The admittance on Friday night was absolutely disgusting. We were in A & E for four hours then he was taken to a holding ward until the following morning. He is on 4 LPM oxygen and they put him on 2 LPM and would not alter it, so I had to cause a fuss until they did. He is on a nebuliser which he has to use six times or more per day. The nebuliser was next to the bed but no mask. I told the nurse he needs the nebuliser on and she said it was next to the bed so I told her it was useless without the mask (I took his own medication in with me), she got him a mask.

    Then they put him in a bed that was too small for him, he is very tall, so I had to pull it out to make it longer and stick a pillow down the end of it.

    If I had left him earlier they would have just shoved him in the ward, seen him into bed, turned his oxygen on and left him, they didn't even give him the call button. He can't walk and needs to use the wheelchair, I had to ask for a urinal as there was no way he could have got to the toilet, she said to him, can't you walk to the toilet, so I said, if you read his notes no he can't, when he stands up his sats drop to 70%, she said impossible. So I said, right, told him to stand up and his sats went through the floor, that was it, he was put on complete bed rest until the specialist came to see him.

    What would have happened if I had not been there to sort things out, he was too ill to tell them, I know he is a miserable old so and so, but he deserves better treatment than that.

    I know all the medical terms, drugs, etc. etc. inside out and she tried to fob me off with,' he has got a nasty little bug but you wouldn't understand what it means', I quoted the bugs name to her, the medicine it requires, how it should be given etc. etc. so when I ring in the morning now, she is always on the desk and now gives me some respect and tells me everything they have done the previous day. She was amazed how much I knew so I told her when you are a carer for someone, you have to know what they take, how much they take, when they take it and what it is for. She said I agree with you, you will know more about his condition than we do.

    Luckily he is now where he should be and he is back to his old bossy self. The stupid thing is, I moan and groan about him but when he is ill I worry myself sick

  • I do really feel for you Sweetthing. I know that when Pete has been in hospital I get ill too and I think it is the stress of being a carer sometimes. Goodness knows you have had more than your fair share of stress. I am pleased that you have a diagnosis for your illness too as you most definitely matter. You have done the right thing in telling your sons everything and I do wish you lots of luck when hubby comes home again. Put your foot down and just tell him how things have to be because you are ill too. Good luck to you and I am thinking of you. Sending you lots of love and good wishes. Take care. xxxxxxxxxxxx

  • Thank you so much, I have been sitting here feeling poorly and sorry for myself as not one person i.e. my sons or daughters-in-law have rung or text me today to see how I am. I last spoke to them yesterday afternoon when I rang to give them the ward number my husband was on.

  • sweetthing sorry you are still suffering - I suspect you were suffering even before your husband got ill - as I said before I think it might help if you got yourself some professional help - solicitor etc. really with the way you feel about him and your own position you are actually doing neither of you any favours - good luck xx

  • It was me deleting the above post! I was saying how goodit is that your sons support you then read your last comment. Poor you. I feel for you.

    I'd like to think if I'd been in your shoes I'd have told him to F off long ago but I know you're much too kind for that.Take this opportunity to have some time out for yourself Sweet Thing? xxx P

  • Thank you for your comments, I have told him to F off and he says it is his house (the house is in his name only,) and if anyone goes it will be me and I could not manage on my own.

  • if the house is in his name only sweething you must see someone to make sure he cant kick you out you must get your name put on as well as you have probably contributed towards the mortgage ect i do hope you manage to sort things out as i think you are quite a remarkable person from marguarita

  • Dear Sweetthing

    Feel really sorry you are struggling in this way. I know from previous times no matter how bad things get for you you will continue to care for your husband (it is in your makeup), but I am glad you are doing more things on your own terms.

    You really need to get well yourself hun and shouldn't really be at the hospital in any event. I know your dil's will not have your hubby at home for respite, but whilst you are ill can they not do his washing to help you and get the bits and pieces he needs?

    Re the pul rehab hun, now he is in the system you can always contact the respiratory nurses and speak to them about the problems you are having with the wheelchair - they should be able to get around this problem for you and could prove quite helpful.

    Wondered if he gets dla (not being nosy hun) just thinking you could use the mobility to get a more appropriate vehicle with a ramp to take the scooter. Your the one that's hoisting the damn thing around and you should have a say in what will allow you to do this without injury to your own health.Thinking about you sweet and hoping you feel better very soon.

    With love


  • Thank you for your comments, my daughters-in-law do sympathise with me but that is as far as it goes, they never offer to help whatsoever, I still haven't been out of the house alone since January 2012 and that was one day in August or September, can't remember when he was in hospital, so I have been with him 24 hours per day since January 2012. When I had my hospital appointment to see the specialist last Thursday, he told me to cancel it as I couldn't leave him on his own, no-one was available to sit with him for a couple of hours so I told him I would not cancel it and went.

  • If he was well and making you so very unhappy, would you stay with him ? if not, what makes you stay when he is ill ? partnership should not be conditional and sacrifice should be voluntary in my view. take care of you . x

  • When he was fit and well he was still very domineering and everything had to be as he wanted it, he booked holidays, he picked the cars, he picked the colour scheme for the house etc as he said I had not a clue about anything so I just went along with it and I know I should have got out then but I was too frightened of fending for myself after years of marriage. Believe me I have sat down and made a list of things I would have needed when I left him but the house is in his name, all the savings were in his name so I had nothing (I have since transferred a few into my own name) for tax reasons, so apart from my wage it would have taken ages to get half of the house etc. so I couldn't be bothered, and just got on with it as I wouldn't have had any money to get myself a place to live whilst this was being sorted out.

    I was brought up in a council house on a council estate, we had a fantastic childhood, lovely neighbours who helped each other, but he always throws it back at me and says I am still a council house waller (whatever that means) who didn't want to better herself. I was a shorthand typist/secretary, and in those days of the late 50's and 60's it was a great job, my parents wanted better for me than working in a mill and paid for private lessons until I went to College.

    So I suppose I am used to him running me down all the time.

  • well, you still have a choice about how you live your life ! Maybe ring Citizens advice for an idea on how you may get some help if you were on your own. I was bullied for a few years by my second husband - and it certainly messes with your head and with your idea of self-worth and capability ... isolating you and making dependency too are classic traits. You deserve better. x

  • hear hear it's so not right that women are downtroden into submission.

    You'd think it was a generational thing but I see it happening to my beautiful, confident, educated, professional, pregnant daughter.

    Her partner is chipping away at her self esteem, in front of their 2 year old daughter so the cycle will begin all over again. She'll grow up thinking it's normal.

    Heart breaking as it must have been for you. x

  • It is strong women not weak women who are the bullies' targets ! especially women who want to be fair and decent with people who can't think why someone else wants to play power games. I really hope your daughter sees things straight soon ... so hard from inside it all to do so... my advice to me back then would be listen to your gut on what is really going on - not your heart telling you how you want it to be !

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