Just had a giggle reading these, hope you do too.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."
A nurse walks into a bank, preparing to write a cheque.
She reaches in her pocket, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it.
She looks up at the cashier, pauses for a moment, then realizing her mistake, she says, "Well that's great... just great... Some asshole's got my pen."
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
A bloke goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well.
The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.
The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."
Startled to be put on so much medication the man stammers, "Fucking hell, Doc, what's my problem?"
The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."
I said to the doctor, "What's wrong with me?"
He said, "Your X Ray shows you've got three broken ribs. But don't worry I've fixed them using Photoshop."
"Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains!"
"So you do, your skin is all soft and velvety."
"Doctor, I really do feel like a pair of curtains!"
"Fuck off! I'm on the golf course"