I have written alot on here about anxiety when you know that you have been diagnosed with a heart problem. The moving on is the hard part. but how can your wife, husband or partner move forward?. Because it is not just your life turned up side down but theirs as well. they have to see you struggling with emotions and Battling your demons. while they wish to help but move on as well. Your world turns in to a complete mess. Your other half is your rock but that rock is being smashed and made brittle. You as the victim have had your confidence knocked. How can you both move forward?
how can your other half or partner c... - British Heart Fou...
how can your other half or partner cope.
68 Replies
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Hello 
I get exactly what you are saying
I remember when I had my heart attacks and my Husband looked like he was strong and coping yet when the Doctor said she needs Bypasses quick or she may not have more than 2 years they had to catch him quick he fainted ( I never knew this till later as they had took him in the corridor )
The other thing I found out later is when he got home my Son told me he was physically sick yet in front of me he stayed strong and I feel so sad now as yes I felt like the one going through it all but I never noticed how it was affecting him to
Since the op it has been a struggle , I suffer with my anxiety anyway and the op has magnified that so much there are times where I do notice now Hubby looks worn out to
But we talk ( well maybe he would say I do all the talking ) but we stick together and work through this together , I am not saying it is easy at times as it is not but we keep working through it and now I am able to focus not just on how this has affected me but I now ask how is he to and how does he feel something when I was going through it all I forgot to do I am ashamed to say
Sorry maybe not the best reply and others maybe able to give us both some tips but this is where we are at this moment and what we are doing together x
in reply to
Thanks bekind28 got it right this time. Well that got some feedback. I don't know. I have tried as you know. With mental health help and paying for hypnotherapy. I think it can become all consuming. I think after today I need to park the bus and move forward. But as we have said its that horrible little gremlin in your head. After reading many threads I may be one of the lucky ones and I don't see it. I feel for everyone on this site. Husbands wife's, partner, parent's. It is not easy. But our other half's have to live with it as well.
in reply to
Hello
Try not to put to much pressure on yourself just take one day at a time x
in reply to
Thanks. Try to live in the now. I don't know what I would do without this forum just to let off a bit of steam. You are all brilliant.
in reply to
x
Have you been offered cardio rehab? If it's appropriate for your condition you might be able to take your partner along. One or two people did on the course I was on.Otherwise, keep talking. Share any information you have, but don't try Dr Google! It is often harder for partners than the actual patient.
in reply to RufusScamp
The issue is. And bekind 28 has been a rock. Iam in the early stages. I was found to have epstein anomoly. Congenital. And there are many positives iam trying to take from this to boost my confidence. I have not had an op and iam currently on medication which is working to help a bit. But to possibly repair the issue is an operation but to move forward my anxiety needs to calm down. I may or may not have an operation but this elephant in room keeps showing its ugly head. I want to go on holiday with my wife. Not far but my confidence has been knocked. I don't want to let her down and I don't want to let this issue cloud my feelings. We told specialist that we where going on holiday and they said fine. No issues. But it's my head. I have had anxiety for a number of years but the last year ,18 months have been hard. Even though I did not know about my congenital problem until February this year. Whether covid has caused issues or the covid jabs, I don't know. Considering I have had the congenital heart issue since I was manufactured 56 years ago. How do I get some of my old self back to help my wife.?
Yes I agree but do I as person disappear under a rock? I think you a right but your partner has to try and move forward and help to move me forward. I have to except this is not the end of life. Life goes on. But as a person I have a choice. Lay in bed and wait for the enevitable. Or move forward and enjoy life. That's my gremlin.
Hello, I probably see it different to most people and find moving on very easy, but, then again I've been doing this for a very long time. I don't see myself as a victim, just someone who's heart isn't perfect and never has been. Maybe if my problems started off later in life, I'd feel different, but they didn't. I've always believed this gives me a perspective that's allowed me to deal with each event and get on with life, no matter what. I'm happy enough with that, but, I do get why others feel anxious. I welcomed surgeries, compared to the alternative, they were no brainers.
Then there's my wife, the rock and how she has coped is unreal. She has for the best part but at the cost of a stroke.
She has lived with this since the age of 20, had a 2year old son to look after during my first AVR, and gone through two further surgeries, one of which, she didn't expect me to survive. All in all she's seen me hospitalised eleven times, not all heart related, twice this year alone.
As far as I'm concerned I have the easy part, I become ill and get fixed one way or another, and off I go.
Partners are forgotten all to easily, I've seen it happen time and time again.
At 61 and 55 years old respectively, we are both retired, and our purpose hasn't changed in all this time to live life and dont look back.
That's how we cope.
Heed
in reply to
I like what you have written. Unfortunately my heart condition which I have had since birth has only just raised its ugly head 56 years later. I suppose if I look back on my life this issue explains alot of things like why i could not do cross country running. And that I can become breathless with exertion. But to Me I was normal. As it did not stop me doing many things in my life. Might not of been a 10k runner or iron man. But that was me. And today. It may be little bit worse but I still can do many things. The trouble is my confidence is very low. Wether it is my anxiety which I have had since 2008. Or the anxiety has been caused by the heart I don't know. Yes our partners are there as a our rock and you try to work as team. Maybe I have not been the best rock in the past. But we still forget that our partners are human and have feelings and worries and they have to battle there issues in their own way. But I just want to forget my issue's and move forward. Yes one day I may have to be fixed. But that's the future. This is the now. Everyone will have an opinion but. But how?
My husband has been absolutely amazing through my illness, especially when he thought I might not make it. We’ve been married for 30 years. I had always been a strong person but I was absolutely terrified of dying and leaving my husband and kids behind. He took care of me and our kids so well although this definitely took its toll on him. His anxiety is through the roof and while he puts on a brave face I know that he is completely traumatised by what we went through. He has just finished counselling and is taking medication to help. We talk a lot about what happened and we listen to each other. As I’m growing stronger I’m trying to be more independent and encouraging him to go back to the things he likes such as running. I think the only way forward is to support each other and take time to talk and listen.
in reply to Anon2023
I think my wife does worry very much. She came with me today to see the specialist and that was an eye opener for her. I have been to some of her issues in the past regarding hospitals. But being someone who has never had to deal with hospitals until now. I suppose I may have been a bit Blazey. Today She gave me a card and a trip to imperial War museum Duxford to go in a Vulcan. To try to cheer me up and boost my confidence. But my little gremlin is still knocking on my door. That blasted gremlin. I don't want to let her down. I encourage her to go for meals with her work colleagues just to give her a break. To talk about other things. I would not be without her. But it is so hard to put put one foot in front of the other.
Dear Felly12
Thank you for your interesting and moving post that will help others think about their partners more.
I say more because it is very rare that they are mentioned in posts and I feel { like you } that they are just as affected as the patient, I had said this many many times in my posts.
One of the biggest problems that we all have is trying to compress this “happening “ back into what we considered to have been a normal life and many posts on here tell of the anguish of trying to do this, { both patient and partners, family and friends } our lives will never be that normal again, but a new normal that we have to begin to recognise.
It happens at the most shocking incidents in our lives, grief being one of the strongest and most difficult.
The pair of you have it right, talk talk talk, recognise IT is what IT is and start putting this down to an almost Grief like feeling { for that is almost what it could have been for all those loved ones of yours }
You all will get through this, you all will be different and you all will experience feelings that you have never felt before, such is the power of this incredible thing that you have all been through.
You are also very brave in seeking help in the forms that you have
Take care and thank you once again, know you are loved, for indeed you are.
in reply to
Thank you for you response. I think what is the worst thing. And I could be me as a person. It has knocked me and I just am not there. My mind is all consuming of my issue. I forget about the other person. Trouble she is not getting any younger and one day the shoe might be on the other foot. Will I then be able to cope ?Yes I have been to hospital with her in the past for her issues. Fortunately nothing too life threatening. But I now know how horrible it is waiting for test results. And how it plays on the mind. Smear test mammogram. These all play on the mind. But I don't think I really appreciate what she was going through until it has happened to me. I hope I do change into a better person but my little gremlin keeps calling. I had better go feed him.
We marry for better or worse so I live for the day i don't worry about things that may not happen.
My heart has always been trouble atrial fibrillation obviously and last year 2 stents but I forget about them and just get on with life
I read something Steve Jobs said before he died age 57.
A $30 watch or a$3000 watch will still say the same time.
A cheap car or a Ferrari still gets you where you need to go.
Material things don't mean anything if you don't have good health.
His money couldn't save his life .
His words really touched me because he was right
I think for many people this is a first sign that we are not immortal and feel more vulnerable and diminished and for the first time it is not an equal partnership but -at least for a time-where you have to take a distinct back seat.
I for one want to get better so we can become an equal partnership again and I can look after my wife in the way I used to do, whilst she looks after me the way she used to do, equal partners but each with their own role.
In thinking of our mortality, with modern medicine most on this forum-dependent of course on their particular medical condition- are likely to live long fulfilled lives.
Let us not forget that James Lovelock who died last month at the age of 103 had a fantastic and meaningful life even though he had a heart attack at 53 and made most of his achievements since that time.
I was really interested to read your post as my husband is three weeks post heart attack and I was utterly terrified. But, I've gone back to work and following great advice on here, I feel safer leaving him and not ringing every hour.Talking seems to be in a lot of the answers you've had but I find it difficult to judge this. Immediately after the heart attack, it was our sole topic of conversation, now we can actually think and talk about other things too. I want to support my husband, but I also don't want to make him think about it all the time. I'm trying to be led by him and only mention it when he does. I find myself talking to my friends - they have been an amazing support and I know I'm very fortunate to have them.
To me, moving on with our new, healthier life choices together seems like a long way off, but I wish you and your partner all the best with your onward journey.
in reply to NervousWife
I think as a partner. You do have to look after yourself as well. I for one being the victim seem to have to keep talking to reassure myself. But it become nearly an obsession. So my wife becomes the sounding board but she does not have the answer's and it can become a very one sided conversation. I think you are doing the right thing. I want our life together back. But it not like a switch . Iam having to go through a mental process. Of exceptance. When will I come out the otherside I have no idea. But it does not help my wife and it does not help the people around me. My son also feels it. Wether he gets his old dad back I don't know. But take care of yourself.
NervousWife in reply to
Good luck with your journey through to the other side.
When I was fist diagnosed with heart failure 💔 I had a partner. Although we didn't live together, we had been together for 15 years and I loved him very much. During those 15 years, he had bowel cancer and had major surgery with a colostomy bag. He found this embarrassing and pushed me away. I was "invited" to visit him at home on occasions but for the most of the 15 months it took him to recover, we stayed apart.When I was diagnosed with heart failure and the boot was on the other foot so to speak, this seemingly uncaring side reared it's ugly head again. Following my major ohs, he never came to visit me in hospital, if I wanted to see him afterwards I had to drive to his home. I asked him once if he would take me to the hospital as I was having a procedure which meant I couldn't drive and we had a blazing row because he couldn't remember where he parked the car. That was enough for me and i ended the relationship.
My point is that some people can't cope with illness and hospitals and all that goes with it.
You are very lucky to have someone who cares for you but remember that they have a life too and shouldn't have to focus on you all the time.
Good luck to you both.
My heart goes out to you for having to struggle without your partner.You got there in the end, their are people who are so selfish that they only see a situation from their own point of view but others so scared of facing facts.
There was a post on here recently and the person was totally alone.My heart goes out to them, I can’t imagine it.It’s best to talk it out as much as you can, then accept as many positives if you can find them.
Once you accept and with time gain some confidence you both can move on taking a day at a time and enjoy together.
Nobody knows what’s in store ,not even those blessed with good health and miracles do happen as I know. Don’t make it up yourself.
My father had a serious subarachnoid haemorrhage when he was 49 and 3 months unconscious , improved slowly with support from my mother and family, had several strokes but lived a happy life into his 90 .
I can honestly say the last few years have been horrendous. Starting back in 2019 when my husband had a serious cycling accident ending with a bleed on the brain. I had to take nine months off to help with the his rehab and business. Just got back to work and then C happened and was then furloughed. My mum then had a severe stroke and needed constant care, between siblings we managed to keep mum at home. Sadly mum passed away in December but will always be grateful for the special time we had caring for her. Then in January I had my heart attack. It’s taken a long time to recover and I’m now ready to return to work just waiting for occupational health. I say all this because I’ve learnt a lot these last few years from both sides of the equation . Everything takes time, lots of give n take. But family means everything. Life throws many challenges at you and you just have to accept it and roll with it. I try to look at the positives everyday otherwise you drive yourself crazy. These last few years has brought our family closer together. We have laughed and cried along the way. On a daily basis my life has changed so much but I try to push and adapt, I write this sat in a camper van at beautiful days festival. It’s going to be a very different festival to previous years but I’m just going to take each day as it comes and we both realise that. Steady as you go, plenty of talking and be kind to each other. Hope you find your way through. xxx
My partner has been my rock. I wouldn't have been able to have undergone and started my recovery without him. However a lot of my worry came from how he would cope. My diagnosis and operation happened so fast we didn't have much time to talk or plan etc.
One thing I did do was call on our wider support networks to support him. His parents my in laws have been great. They have really taken on the role of helping him. My mother in law in fact said once to me - your job is to concentrate on you and our job is to worry about him for now.
I've also tried to give him time for him. Almost like rest bite. We plan on times where he can go and do things he likes and enjoys. This is sometimes done by me planning my rests or naps or us making sure everything I'll need is accessible before he goes. Again in the first week or so after the operation this was supported by our wider network of family and friends.
I can't say it's always easy and I'm only 3 weeks post op so I'm sure things will change as I recover more and gain more independence.
Hi Felly12,
My wife suffered terribly when I had my heart attack, indeed much more so than me. It took months for her to come to an understanding of what had happened and accept that the man in her life was no longer invincible. Now the rock had a crack in it. The situation was left open ended as I was invited to have a bypass operation which would be some months away. While I got on with my life, preparing myself by walking the hills in order to maintain fitness, she continued to worry. When the invitation came she was back to square one and again I was the one that was more relaxed about what was going to happen.
Since my operation I have had to prove to her my capabilities in order to reduce her concerns. My wife is naturally a worrier and she has had to cope with what has happened by putting it in one of those little locked boxes she has in her mind. I can actually see her struggling to keep the box closed when the subject of heart issues comes up.... thankfully less so as time goes on. In some ways I am better off than her as I just regard what has happened as being part of my history. Stress was a big factor in what happened to me and I don't want go there again, so I have changed my approach to life and mañana is much more to the fore nowadays. This in itself can be stressful for my wife when I don't react to things which she considers urgent..... and I'm not talking DIY projects here!
I think the way forward in life is to give each other room to move forwards at whatever pace is appropriate and to try to enjoy life for what it offers. In some ways it is a blessing that my wife and I have always had our separate interests and so we can indulge ourselves without affecting the other. If anything, the biggest issues in our life are based around family members and it is here that we unite to face the challenges.
So what of the future? Well nothing is guaranteed in life and if we can learn anything from a heart event it is just that. We are extremely fortunate in that I do not have a major on-going issue, so our life is closer to what might be considered normal than for many. I really do feel for partners of those with serious issues. We have enough problems dealing with my wife's 94 year old mother as a couple, so dealing with things on your own must be very difficult.
I guess there is no answer to the question of how you move on as each situation is different. What we have learnt is that we need time for ourselves as individuals, time for ourselves as a couple and time to serve others. Getting the balance right has... and continues to be, the hardest part.
Kindest regards
Gerald
Similar to Safflowr08, my husband and I have had a few difficult years leading up to his heart attack. Both of his parents died of cancer within a year and then my Dad had a brain haemorrhage which he luckily survived. A few months after we got married, on our honeymoon my husband had a heart attack. He was only 39 at the time so it came as a huge shock, and our world has been turned upside down ever since. We have very little family in the UK as I am originally from Ireland, and my husband has very little family left. It’s difficult for our friends to understand what we are going through as we are both so young most people we know are perfectly healthy and have no idea what it’s like to go through a serious health trauma.
I can say is that this experience has made our relationship stronger. It has thought me to value the every day mundane with my husband as I feel lucky to still have him, the simple things mean a lot more. There are bad days where I feel so upset and angry that this has happened. I have tried speaking to my husband about these as he encouraged me to talk to him about how I was feeling, but actually it just ended up making both of us feel awful! When my Dad had his brain haemorrhage, at least me and my Mom and brother could support each other through it as we all knew how it felt. But it’s difficult in a couple with no other family members. I do spend a lot of time worrying about my husband but some days are better than others. There’s no easy answer on how the other half can get through an event like this. You just adapt and get on with things. If someone had told me a year ago what lay ahead of us I would have been horrified but also shocked at how we’ve adapted to it all and are still able to laugh and joke about things. Life goes on and it could always be worse!
In the last ten years I have had numerous heart procedures including open heart surgery, I have had breast cancer and am now awaiting kidney surgery.
Throughout it all I have never lost sight of how lucky I am. We live in a time where there is so much wonderful medical knowledge which helps preserve life and as far as is possible maintaining a good quality of life.
My husband has been by my side all the way and although he has been anxious at times, he too has shared my confidence that help is out there.
I admit that there have been stressful and frustrating times but we’ve got through them together.
Anxiety is difficult to avoid but helps nobody. As the saying goes; Hope for the best, expect the worst and take what comes.
Keep a sense of humour.
You just need to be totally open with each other about how you are feeling to be able to offer support when it's needed . I'm the other half who struggled with only phone support when my husband had his heart attack in feb 2021 , my sons who both live within 2 miles of me were not even allowed in the garden at that time due to the word we can't mention ! We have been married for nearly 44 years & are like chalk & cheese but it works ! I worry & everything is like water off a ducks back to him . The cardio nurses were a great support by phone & thought he was a real character as he just has to push the boundaries , Mediterranean diet means tiramisu to him !I find this forum a great source of information & the support offered by the knowledge members to others is inspirational . Big hugs to each & every one of you & your partners/family x
I'm reading these replies in absolute astonishment. When I had a heart attack my husband went back to bed as they took me to hospital. Afterwards it was as if he'd simply ignored it. His way of dealing with things, pretend they don't exist. Although not diagnosed my son and I are certain he's autistic.
Hi. That must have been incredibly difficult for you and I’m sorry that he wasn’t able to be more supportive. I can’t imagine going through what you did without the support of your husband. I hope that you are feeling better now and that your health has improved. X
in reply to Qualipop
Hello
I am sorry as well that must have affected you when you needed your Husband the most I cannot even imagine how that felt
I am glad you have your Son he sounds understanding and supportive
Hope you are having a nice day x
Qualipop in reply to
Well the paramedics were obviously shocked until I explained but then they got it. I'm used to it but reading replies like those on here from those who have really supportive partners does hit home.
in reply to Qualipop
Hello
If you are on your own then you accept that but to have a Husband and he is not there for you when needed the most then that must be so hurtful even though if he is Autistic does at least explain why he reacted like he did and not because he does not love you which I am sure he does x
Qualipop in reply to
Oh sure he does; just hasn't a clue how to show it and doesn't understand there's anything strange about his behaviour.
in reply to Qualipop
Well he can't help it if he is Autistic he will be looking after the world through different eyes but I am sure he would be lost without you x
Qualipop in reply to
My son is wonderful. He caught a train and walked 2 miles in the pouring rain to the hospital
in reply to Qualipop
What a loving Son you have bless him that must have made you feel loved x
Qualipop in reply to
Yep, I hadn't been at all upset or worried until he walked in and I burst into tears. I'm really going to miss him if/when he moves to the USA.
in reply to Qualipop
O bless him
O he is moving to the USA that is quite a move
I bet you will miss him
When each of mine left home and they are still in the UK but I cried for weeks
I still have my Son at home and not sure how I feel at the thought when he decides to move out I think I block that out so I don't start feeling upset
He may invite you over for a nice long holiday that would be something to look forward to x
Qualipop in reply to
I could never get here now. I only leave the house for medical appointments. My spine is too bad and I'd have to go loaded up with at least 20 bottles of oxycodone. They'd probably not let me in LOL. I'm in severe pain 24/7. I'm praying he will get his girlfriend over here and she will decide to stay. I'm 20 years older than most parents of sons his age.
in reply to Qualipop
Hello
I am sorry to read this and what you are going through must be really difficult
I will keep my fingers crossed for you that he gets her over here to and she might stay would be lovely if that happened x
xHello
Not everyone has Mental Health issues nowadays I think it could feel that way because at last we can talk about it
I have suffered with it from a child and back then if you said how you felt you got told you were either silly or to pull your socks up ( never was sure how pulling my socks up would help )
So you would suffer in silence afraid to mention just how much you were struggling
I envy so much people that have a positive attitude an attitude where they can think I just need to get on with it I have never had that and what I see as a luxury
I have always felt I have been on the outside looking in at those that I would so like to be able to be like and believe me I have tried everything to do so
Anxiety has come at a cost to me as well
They told me as well as other factors anxiety had played a part in my heart attacks resulting in Bypasses , yet here I am still anxious and on the outside looking in
No anxiety does not help anybody it certainly has not helped me but regretfully you cannot just turn it of , if only as eventually it can affect not just the mind but come at a cost and affect you physically
Everyone with a positive attitude you do not know how lucky you are x
in reply to
I agree that anxiety can cause mental and physical problems. Did my anxiety or stress cause my blood pressure to go up in turn cause My congenital heart problem to get worse? Or just age? Or if I had anxiety or stress in years gone by. I would have just smoked and drunk whisky. And caused other problems. It's been interesting reading everyone's comments. But one thing we are all in same boat. And one thing if you can have a postive outlook on life then keep hold of that as it is very precious. But to be able to have a postive outlook take alot of effort. But alot of the threads have given me much food for thought.
in reply to
Hello
Yes you have had some replies that I can imagine have given you lot's to think about and hope you have found posting has been helpful x
Hello
I am so sorry for everything you went through I really am
I think we all have a past and I know if I wrote down all the life events that have happened to me people would maybe wonder how I am still standing
I did not and never would mean to cause offense and cause you to have an issue with my reply and hope you will accept my apologies that it did so
I did not mean people were lucky in the respect of what life had thrown at them
I meant they were lucky they had the capability to be able to find that positive attitude within oneself and succeed and trust me for those that don't for the majority is not because we do not try and work at it as we are the ones that suffer by not been able to succeed
It would be lovely though if we could and the world would be free of people struggling and even committing suicide because anxiety beat them
Again I envy whatever life has thrown at some how they can still find that positive attitude within themselves and only have admiration for them that they can do this
Hope you have a lovely day x
Hi. I think some people have the ability to be more resilient than others, for whatever reason. I wish I was one of them. I suffer from health anxiety and truly wish that I could just “get on with it”. Thinking that things could be worse doesn’t really help me, it just fills me with fear of the “what ifs”. Unfortunately for me, most of the “what ifs” came true this year and other than losing my life I experienced just about every complication from heart surgery including endocarditis, stroke, sepsis etc etc.
I think it is tempting to think that there are many more people with mental health problems these days but I believe that this is only because we are more open about it. I think that’s a good thing as it provides the opportunity to seek and offer help. I think for many “just getting on with it” isn’t an option.
in reply to Anon2023
You post really has said what iam thinking. Keeping the old stiff upper lip doesn't work. Yes mental health is talked about more and more. But what can be done about it? Tablets talking? They help but only short term. If you have a health problem your mind goes into overdrive. Yes you will have to except the new way of living. But for me it is the constant thought of why me? Why carnt I put the clock back? I suppose I become so engrossed with my problem I forget about life, you forget about your partner. You are trying to self heal and come to terms with the issue. You have to put your life into other people's hands. You feel helpless.
Anon2023 in reply to
I found it really difficult to cope with the vulnerability and uncertainty. I’m hoping that we can all find a way through the trauma that we have experienced. I wish you well. X
in reply to Anon2023
Thanks for that. You have definitely been through the wars. Puts me to shame about my issue. I mean the last time I was in hospital was 1971 for my tonsils. And now 50 years on I have a congenital heart defect. Which has been with me since birth. It has kept me going and may keep me going now I have meds and understand it a bit more. But the shock is what has hit me. Of course it can be repaired. But it's that elephant in the room that keeps me worrying. Do I want to be cut about to fix one thing and then cause another. I know they do these operations regularly but that small chance of something else causing an issue. It is not easy the mind it is very powerful and unfortunately causes many issues. The trouble with anxiety is it causes the body to replicated pains and issues which are similar to anything your mind want you to feel. I wish you well. I wish I had the answer.
Anon2023 in reply to
Hi. I do think it’s perfectly normal to have anxiety after being told that you have a heart condition. It goes with the territory whether it’s angina, heart attack, dodgy valves, it doesn’t really matter. I’m seeing an nhs psychologist for health anxiety and she told me that it’s very common to see ptsd type symptoms in heart patients. If you feel that it may help you could ask for a referral to counselling or meds. Please don’t be afraid to ask for support if you need it. Suffering from anxiety doesn’t make us weak, it makes us human.
in reply to Anon2023
Iam on waiting list. Interesting that it can be ptsd. I will make further enquiries. Thanks for that
Hello
I am so pleased no offense was caused
I think though we have totally different opinions on this which is fine would be awful if we are all the same be like clones walking around
So I hope we can agree to disagree how we see and view this which I am sure we can x
NO need t be. Autistic spectrum affects people in lots of ways. Lack of empathy is perhaps the most difficult to deal with. He will do anything to help me BUT I have to ask. It would never enter his head
After my husband survived against the odds two years ago and finally came home from hospital after two long months of lockdown and limited visiting we told each other that we would always be honest with each other about how we were feeling and have continued to do that. We don't know what the future holds but we try to enjoy each day as it comes because that's all you can do really.
Don't keep your worries and anxiety to yourself . Both your lives have changed for ever but you have each other and that is the most important thing.
A sense of humour helps too - sometimes you need to laugh at life, just to show you can!
Best wishes to you both
I can only speak from my own experience and I do think how people cope is on an individual basis. I lostmy husband to bowel cancer 12 years ago with a 9 year old daughter to also support. I coped each day at a time, very few people saw the effect on me. Husband view i would always cope and I guess I did must say with the supportof a wonderfulsister- in -law. Then in 2020 got heart failure related to covid. My 20 year old daughter coped even during lockdown, took it on and coped more than my siblings and extended family. I now live with HF but encourage my daughter who is my only support to live life and take each day as a gift to live life to the full not on maybe of what may indi occur. I'm as truthful as I can be with her so she knows when I say I need help it's truthfully, not only for me but she knows other times to just accept things as they are and enjoy life.
Be open and honest both from a patient point of view and with any supporting person in your circle. It helps everyone in the outcome of moving on and coping.
Hi.My situation is different as it is my son, who lives with me, that has to face it all. I am 72, at 67 in 2017, I had an Aortic Dissection and OHS. I only have the one child (he was 24 then), and it was was he who had all the worry and upset of me nearly dying and the recovery afterwards. I was just getting my head back together and feeling 'normal' whatever that is, when at the end of June this year I had a minor stroke. Luckily no physical after effects. However, it is again my son who has all this on his shoulders. I feel really bad that it is all up to him again - I think he worries more than I do about me having another stroke, and hate the fact that he has to feel responsible for me all the time. He is 30 now and very fit and owns his own Estate Agents but as well as all his responsibilities of his work, he also has to worry about me. It makes me feel so bad he has to have that as well.
Obviously if he were a partner he would either do it or leave, but this is so different as he is my son so has no choice really as he loves me.
Thanks for letting me drone on.
Denise
in reply to Petercat1
Drone on all you want. You must be so proud of your son. I think he is an angel in disguise. It is hard for the people around us patients. We do have to cope with our issues and our horrible little gremlin in our head, but then we worry about our nearest and dearest. Because without them it would be hard. But they need space and time to reflect and compute all that has happened. But your son must love you so much. Both of you take and look after yourselves.
Petercat1 in reply to
Thank you for your reply, it really did make me feel a lot better. I feel like a weight has lifted a bit just by posting on this app, I'm so glad I could come on here with people who understand. Denise x
in reply to Petercat1
Your welcome. One thing this forum has helped me with, is to realise how many people suffer from anxiety issues. Makes me realise iam not strange. I wish I had a magic wand to fix everyone of us. Take care.
I am the partner so can give my side on this (fiancé had x3 CABG in 2020) and continues to have some problems...
Looking back it was really really hard at times, especially watching him be wheeled off to theatre, the nightly angina attacks before the surgery, seeing him for the first time in ICU and the first night at home, but we just took one day at a time. (One hour at a time on some occasions!)
I have just tried my best to support him in whatever way has been necessary and he has supported me too, sure at times that’s been hard and in the early days it was difficult to not try to look after him “too much” as he is very independent.
It’s not nice to see the person you love in pain/on a ventilator/struggling with anxiety etc etc and I think a major event like open heart surgery must change most people to some extent.
But my partner is still here, still him and we can still have fun, go out, chat and laugh and that’s all that’s important.
Take care of yourself.
in reply to Chickenlou
You are so strong. And nice to see that you can still go out and have fun. I think that is what needs to happen. My issue is that my mental side has made me be a bit negative. So it does not help my partner. However I carnt blame it all on my heart it is down to me to overcome my anxiety I have had for many years. And I think that I have got to follow your lead of enjoying each other and enjoy the moment's. Take care.
Chickenlou in reply to
I have been strong, but I’ve also cried/been anxious/panicked/annoyed..you name it and I’ve felt it!
You are also strong (anyone that’s had serious heart problems/surgery is strong in my mind) and things will get better.
Maybe just set aside some time each week to do something fun with your partner - it doesn’t need to be much to start with, perhaps watch a movie with a takeaway, go for a coffee, a short walk or something similar.
Definitely try to enjoy the good moments (not always easy I know) as I am sure, like me, that your partner is glad that you are still here. Take care x
in reply to Chickenlou
Thank you. It is hard to be strong. I have all the emotions that you describe. Crying the feelings of why me? But it is very hard. Will my life be normal or is this the new normal? To be diagnosed with something I have had all my life. Is a relief in one hand but then curse in the other. Sometimes I wish I did not know. But like the nurse said. Iam in a better place as I now have meds to help the issue. So it is now the ability to move forward. That's the challenge.
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