Well it’s the end of July and I need to pick up the pieces of my life. Last week I scattered Johns ashes as he wished, flew to our sons in Dorset as he wanted to go back to the sea, his working life had been in the Merchant Navy so it was his happy place. We said our goodbyes and watched as he sailed off through the harbour entrance on his last voyage.
The journey to this point started in January, he was rushed into hospital and he never came home again. So really my life as been all change from the beginning of the year. Thank goodness for my mended heart it’s certainly taken a good work out! 52 years of marriage it’s going to take me a little while to come to terms to being on my own.
I have read lots of what as been going on here on the forum even if I haven’t been posting or answering as I used to.
Can I thank those members who sent me messages asking how I am, your support helped more than you can imagine.
So I am going to try to pick up the pieces, and I will try and be more active on the forum.
Very best wishes to you all
Pauline x
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Aw Pauline Big massive hugs to you. You were so supportive to me when u had my heart operation, I cannot thank you enough. Look after yourself and we are all here for you. Xx
I had tears rolling down my face as I read your post and wanted to reach out and hug you so sending a virtual one instead
You did John proud but always knew that would be the case and how you put your life together now I really do not know but I know slowly you will he is always going to be there in that mended heart of yours and your wonderful memories which will be plenty
You have been very much missed on here , always remember you were one of the very first that reached out to me and accepted me anxiety and all and always am so grateful for that
It would be lovely to have you back and I know you will but most important now is you so in your own time
Your comforting words of wisdom in your replies you always give will always be gratefully accepted
Everything went perfectly last week, the sea was calm and Paul’s brother-in -Law was amazing he put his boat into such a position that as Paul scattered his ashes the current just floated him off through the harbour entrance the roses we sent after him just lined up one behind the other and followed him! John had been a life long member of the RNLI and as we were returning back to Poole 2 life boats were going out the same way as he had gone, like to think he was telling me it’s good all is well!
To honour Johns memory we have put his name on the side of the next life boat being built at the moment, she will be launched next year and will be stationed here in Scotland on the Firth of Forth, a place called Anstruthers,
Means every time she launches he will go with them, think he would approve❤️
You have been very kind over these last few months and I am so very grateful.
O Pauline how beautiful was the send of as far as they can be it reads like something out of a film wow you did do him so proud and I believe to he was saying all is well
Naming a boat after him is the perfect remembrance of a wonderful man loved so much
We aren’t naming the boat his name along with lots of others who have passed away will be on the side. It’s a way of the RNLI raising funds for their work.
Hello PaulineReading through the replies here, it is clear what a wonderful lady you are, so many people thanking you for being the first to give them support, as you did for me, and I will also never forget that.
I think what you have done with the RNLI is terrific; I am also a supporter, since they brought my brother's body back in, several years ago, down on the south coast.
May I join the others in saying that,of course we miss you, but it's far more important that you take the time you need to take care of yourself now.
Oh I am so sorry to read about your brother, it must have been so traumatic. John working at sea RNLI as always been close to his heart especially as they funded by the public.I am taking care of myself someone said that their Dad said the sun will rise again tomorrow and so it does life goes on and we find a way of living after they have left us hard but we have to try.
Hello Pauline, what a fitting and a wonderful tribute to your husband.. Undoubtedly every time that boat sails he will sail with it. May I wish you peace in your new adjustment in life. From the posts I saw you should be incredibly proud of the support you gave to John. We are all different in our thinking and I believe John will be walking with you everyday. My sincere and heartfelt wishes to you. Take care, Judi
I too believe he is still watching over me, having said that, I only have to look at our sons and granddaughters and I see him, his eyes his crooked smile his terrible sense of humour! I was asked to write a potted history of his life by the nursing home, he had all the symptoms of dementia though it was the multiple strokes that affected his brain, they wanted to know him before the strokes when I and our sons put his life down on paper we suddenly realised what a remarkable life he had lived. He did so much travelled round the world saw amazing things, so let’s just say he had a life well lived, and after 80 years in his words “I am done”
Thinking of you Pauline. We did exactly the same as you for my dad. He also was in the navy and we scattered his adhes at sea and had his name put on the side of one of the lifeboats. I love to think of him going out to sea everytime the lifeboat has a shout.You sound like such a strong woman but this must be your toughest challenge yet. Be kind to yourself and take a day at a time. Sending you hugs.
Reading that you did the same for your Dad was lovely, one of our sons lives in Poole so the headquarters of the RNLI is just down the road, we went along and organised getting Johns name on the next life boat, she is being built there so Paul can see her. I know John would love the way we have tried to honour him and like you say about your father every time they launch they will be going with them. Not a bad way to be remembered. X
Yours is a very touching story Pauline and I can relate to you as I have lost the love of my life recently after a very short illness with no hope of recovery This is devastating You are a very kind loving lady and you have done such lovely things for John which I believe he is very happy with He is still looking after you and will be until you meet again God bless you I send my loving wishes to you x
I am so sorry to read of your loss, I hope you are coping? I am trying to do one day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other.I feel very lucky we had 52 years together some don’t get that.
Thank you Pauline I am just coping like you say take one day at a time Yes it is wonderful the amount of years you had together I only had 6 years of fun and happiness and feel so grateful that I had him in my life if only for a short time We can only hope we may find some kind of happiness again x
You didn’t have a lot of years but they sound lovely.I have said already to someone that I only have to see our sons and our granddaughters and there he is. From his blue eyes to his crooked smile and the tilt of his head. To his terrible sense of humour!
I hope you find some peace. We will miss them every day but hopefully the sadness will ease.
Yes I agree Pauline Although I am not the mother of his children I see him in his son His quirky laugh and mannerisms I am grateful that from Brian's sisters to his children and grandchildren, they have all accepted me as part of their family, together with their mother I am truly blessed to have this beautiful family in my life Much love xx
Dear Pauline, it has been lovely to read your update and how fitting that you scattered John’s ashes at sea where he felt most akin. Like others on here have said, you were one of the first to offer your support when I first posted a couple of years back, totally scared about my diagnosis. I cannot thank you enough. Thinking of you as you slowly put your life back together again and pick up the pieces. As you say, 52 years is a long time and John will always be with you in your heart.
Take good care and be kind to yourself.
All very best wishes
Sarah
p.s. Anstruther is such a lovely place - I lived there for a while as a child.
I Googled Anstruther from the photos it looks beautiful. I live on the west coast but hopefully I will make a visit next year to see her.Before she is put into the water we will get an invitation to go and see his name on her side along with hundreds of others. She is being built in Poole and that’s where Paul lives so very convenient. About 15 minutes away to their headquarters and where new builds are.
Ah that’s lovely Pauline - you’ll see the boat when it is ready. And definitely a visit over to Anstruther would be a nice plan for the future. Sarah x
Good Morning Pauline
I send you my deepest condolences.
No words can really express the loss of a partner of 52 years. Saying good bye in the best of ways with your family in Dorset was I’m sure a great help to you.
There is such positivity in your post for the future. I hear it. You are a strong person. As you say your mended heart has been of great value to you to be able to care for John as long as you did.
Morning Maisie,How are you? Hope things are going well.
Paul certainly honoured his Dad, it was simply perfect. I am sure he was looking down with so much pride and love. The only thing missing was Craig, he was back in Australia spent 2 weeks here after John died but granddaughter took video of what happened so him and our other granddaughters could see what happened. As we were saying goodbye here he was doing the same 10,000 miles away! Felt we were all joined together for those few minutes.
Now that’s funny and he certainly would have laughed.I was in your neck of the wood last week. We scattered his ashes off Brownsea Island a place he loved, and we watched as he floated off through the harbour entrance.
John had been a life long member of the RNLI and as we were returning to Poole 2 RNLI life boats were heading out on the same heading he had gone, like to think he was sending me a message all is good you did me proud.
What a lovely thought and I have absolutely no doubt that we was saying exactly that. I believe in that wholeheartedly.
Things haven’t been great with health on this end to be honest.
Not heart related though. Just life’s little ups and downs. I did wear a heart monitor for three days but it’s ok ish.
At the moment my wife has blood pressure issues that they’re struggling to get under control. Lost her vision in one eye as a result but that’s getting better slowly.
Looks like we have season tickets in the local hospitals.
You just know you’re going there too much when you see a parking space with ‘Reserved For -007-‘ in the space. 😂😂😂
So sorry ongoing health worries, I used to say the car knew it’s own way to the hospital!I have my fingers crossed that you and your wife get back to better health.
So sorry to learn that your John has died. What a good send off. That’s nice.
My voluntary job is to see that villagers ashes are recorded on a memorial stone. They have a nice view across farmland to Alresford creek and the river Colne.. it is very peaceful, being a churchyard in a derelict church.
And today I got the last two sets of details for this years engraving.
Meeting with the bereaved is quite an experience.
I hope you come to good terms with your loss.
You were first on my case when I posted in early summer 2020.
I thought you were younger than me, but at my 51 years married, you are one year senior.
I have missed your online comments and assumed that you wanted to gently ease off the postings. As usual, I got it wrong.
John will be included when I next sit with the dearly departeds of my village.
That’s so kind, We have had so much love and thoughts sent our way over this year. From John being rushed into hospital early January until we said our last goodbye it’s been quite a year.
Dear Pauline
What a loverly post as you told us the final journey of your beloved husband John.
I have been following his journey via your updates on here and what an incredible way to celebrate his life with the send off you and your family provided him.
Love the idea of his name being on the new lifeboat with others that shared his passion of both the sea and saving lives from it.
Your life { like all of us who know and experience grief } will be forever changed, but you will settle into that change with time and tears.
take care and thank you once again, because of your writings your John is known to a lot more people than you or he could ever imagine and I for one are most great full for that.
What a beautiful post I am so very grateful for your words. I have just spent a week with our son and 2 of our granddaughters, while I can see them I will see him, the turn of a head his crooked smile. The terrible sense of humour!
His greatest legacy his 2 sons and his 5 granddaughters these girls will change the world in their own ways, what more could anyone ask?
A big part of his legacy making was meeting you and the 52 years that went on from there { now thats a meeting I would have loved to have seen } enjoy the way John now fits into your new life.
I’m sorry to hear that John had died. It sounds like a very fitting and moving send off that you gave him. I live just along the coast from Anstruther and have attended a number of their open days. It’s a wonderful little station. There is the Scottish Fisheries Museum across the road and award winning fish and chip shops in the town (with heart healthy alternatives available). In short it’s a great place for a day out. I wish you well.
Thank you so much for the post I live on the west coast but hopefully will get along there next year. Will travel to see her in Poole before she sails to her station in Anstruther they let you see the name before she is put into the water.
That’s very kind, I read your latest post you’re such an inspiration here on the forum. Sat and have watched some of the commonwealth games this morning, like to watch the athletics when they start, I send you the best of luck when you do your races.
What a beautiful post, to be married for 52 years is a great achievement, but to also be in so much love is inspirational , what a lovely send off you gave John and I wish you all the best going forward. Dave xxx
Thanks Jane, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other! How are you? Hope your doing really well, afraid this year so far as passed me by. I am trying to put myself back together, feel I am in lots of pieces and some of those pieces have disappeared my caring role has vanished so need to understand where I am now!
Dear Pauline, I can't imagine how you must feel after 52 years of marriage, but you will have those wonderful memories that will never leave you. It will take time but you will get there. Thinking of you. Sheena xxx
John will always be with you in spirit form. In the quiet moments his spirit will be there, talk to him, invite him. I know this. Sending you healing energies 💗🙏🏼
I'm so, so sorry to hear of your loss. As you say it must be so hard to pick up the pieces and get used to loving alone. There's nothing I can say, but I am sending you cyber hugs. ❤️🌹
Hello Pauline,I haven't written to you before, but after reading your post, I wanted to tell you that you are doing well, and must keep strong.I lost my husband of 51 years, and realise that life will never be the same without him. You have to learn to live with the loss. I'm sorry to say there really is no alternative. What helped me though, was when someone reminded me that my husband spent all those years caring for me, and doing his best for me, and the last thing he would have wanted was for me to be sad, or to let my life deteriorate in any way because of his loss. I was told that I owed it to him to continue to look after myself as if he were still here.
I feel these words helped me to come to terms with the situation, and always think about what he would say or do in certain circumstances. In this way he is still with me, and gives me the strength to carry on.
We are lucky to have known such happiness, and must be grateful for it. Take care of yourself, it's what your husband would have wanted.
I am so very sorry for your loss, it’s a long time to be with our husbands isn’t it?I had my open heart surgery 2016 and 5 weeks later John had a huge stroke and I became his carer for the last 5 years. He had multiple strokes in January rushed into hospital and never came home, he died in a nursing home in May.
I said to someone else I feel in pieces and trying to put them back together is hard because there are some pieces missing I no longer have a caring role and I need to see where I am now.
I had a 5 year review in June at the hospital, ( I have a tissue Aortic valve) I was having my echocardiogram done and was a little anxious! I swear I could hear his voice in my ear saying stop worrying it’s all fine.
I have just had a week with one of our sons, when I see him and our 2 granddaughters I see John, the way one girl tilts her head when she is talking the same blue eyes of our son and the terrible sense of humour!
He is all around me, and that gives me so much comfort.
I haven’t commented much recently but I’m always clicking through on my email to read. Pauline, so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you have marked John’s passing as he would wish and that you have grandchildren to help you move forward.
I wanted to comment that the outpouring of support and sympathy here shows how important it is to have a community like this for heart related issues and for the challenges we face on top of these. When I am asked how the forum supports heart patients, as I was last week, I can honestly say that aside from the help with the concerns and practicalities relating to operations and medications, it’s the connections made with others that we value. It’s a common understanding between ourselves that our heart conditions are not a separate experience but part of our wider lives and when we experience loss as you have, Pauline, it seems there is always someone to listen and support on the forum.
I read your post with lots of interest, I have been a member of the forum when there was less then 5000 members and over the years I have read the support we have tried to give each of us. Wether that as been heart related or just moral support to help get us through the day. This year as been difficult for me, and I haven’t been as active on the forum as I once was, but I received so many private messages from members just asking how I was and how John was getting on that was a huge support, I could pass these people on the street and wouldn’t know them, but these self same people held out their hands to show me their love and support, that helped more than anyone of them could know.
Big hugs to you Pauline, you dedicate your time to reply to all of my questions during my time in need. You are a kind soul and my thoughts are with you and family. 🙏
Hello Pauline, what a lovely and fitting send off for John, and a beautiful start to the rest of your life. Many years ago we scattered mum’s ashes on a hillside in Wales where we had spent many happy and memorable family holidays.I often think of you, hoping that you are well as you have been so supportive and inspiring since I joined the forum in 2018.
Bob is now home after nearly 4 months and we are slowly getting used to our ‘new’ lives and he is learning to walk again, one step at a time.
Oh that’s such good news, he is home where he should be. As you say it’s a ‘new life’ things are different but as you say one step at a time! Looking back we had lots of tears but my goodness lots of laughter too. Sometimes the situation was so ludicrous the pair of us were crying with laughter. Making things work takes time and patience, John had what I called his black days his stroke nurse explained that he was grieving for his life before the stroke, something he had to work his way through.I send you my very best wishes to you both
Hi Pauline, I'm a sporadic poster but your account really touched me. I wish you all the very best for your new future without your darling John. I am a long time supporter of the RNLI, Hubby is an ex merchant seaman and we both used to sail. My local station has an open day tomorrow and I will be making a donation in John's memory. Wishing you fair winds and following seas xxx
Oh that is so kind, we have set up a forever by the sea tribute page to John, with photos and posts from his friends. Yesterday I had an email from the RNLI saying they had lit a remembrance candle on Johns page, I can’t tell you how emotional it made me. When this new life boat is on station here in Scotland whenever they have a shout he will sail with them, that would have given him so much pleasure. Your words Wishing you fair winds and following seas, theses were the words we used as he was sent on his last voyage, can tell you are used to have a merchant seaman around! Xx
I come from a seafaring family, Royal Navy and Merchant. (or the 'real' navy as Hubby says) Huge virtual hug to you , will be thinking of you both tomorrow xx
I am sorry for your loss, Pauline, but so pleased you are able to face life without your partner, and look ahead to better times! I lost my eldest sister last October, while she was on a trip 'home' from the States-she had been in hospital in Memphis, and shouldn't really have been allowed to come, but we think in her heart she knew it was the last time, so although it was a huge shock, at the same time we understood. It's not SO bad for us here in the UK, but her US family, husband, daughters, grandchildren and great-grandchildren all miss her presence hugely. They all carry on the traditions she started-bone china, proper teacloths, family meals etc, which is lovely! There are ways to carry on living after loss, and you seem proof of that.
I am so sorry for your loss, I have a brother who lives in South Carolina, he is 83 and is planning to come over next year for one last visit, his Daughter-in-Law will come with him, he as a list of places he wants to visit people he wants to see. I am concerned for him but it’s something he wants so badly.
Yes, I think you are right! My sister (84 eldest of four) had heart failure, but came 'home' every other year until covid, so last year she was determined! She was on oxygen, and had been told to get a fit to fly assessment-well, her Gp gave her the certificate, but not the assessment! She spent a week with us at home before being persuaded to go to hospital by paramedics as she wasn't coping, and she spent the last week of her life in Stoke Mandeville heart unit! As her best friends said goodbye after taking her and her husband to the airport, they said they knew they wouldn't see her again! She was repatriated back to the States and her funeral was attended by dozens of friends! End of an era!
Hello Pauline. I don't think I can add much more to the lovely and supportive replies. And here you are asking how others are getting on! You're so kind and caring and a continual support to everyone.
John will never be forgotten by the members of this forum and he's with you every moment of every day.
Clive and I send our love and best wishes as you rebuild your life. God bless. Jan xxxx
I was just thinking about you. Reading the posts members have replied to me I am so very touched and grateful. Knowing that people care makes such a huge difference.
I just wanted to say, that your support over the months since January as meant more than you can ever know. As I have said before we could pass each other on the street and we wouldn’t know each other, but your care your words of encouragement that you gave me as I watched John disappear in front of my eyes was just what I needed. I felt I could say things to you about what was going on that I couldn’t say to my family as I didn’t want them to worry.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
With my love to you both Pauline. Xx
PS watching the commonwealth games from Birmingham your city is certainly doing a great job. Xx
Hello Pauline. You'll always be a lifelong friend even though we live so far apart. I'm glad I could be of some support during those dark days.
I can't tell you how much you helped me as I relived Dad's escapades due to his Altzheimers and dementia. Bringing a smile to my face as I jotted down the 'episodes' he had, usually trying to escape from his care home!
How he ever managed to disable his care home door alarms was beyond me but I guess his job as a mechanical and electrical engineer 50 years prior to that helped!
I still have the notebooks I kept with daily reminders of his antics.
Well, the Commonwealth games will be good to watch but the repercussions due to train strikes etc mean practically every road will be rammed! The diversions are a nightmare but I see Birmingham might try to apply for the Olympics in future years!! Oh dear!!!
I hope you don’t mind but the stories about your Dad disabling the door locks and deciding he didn’t like the wall paper and stripping the walls, I did repeat to Craig and Paul, they laughed out loud. Loved it thought it was wonderful. Love Pauline xx
Hello Pauline. Of course I don't mind you sharing some of the funnier aspects of Dad's dreadful disease. In fact, Dad would be delighted he brought a smile. He was a very witty guy. I probably shared 'environmentally friendly Dad' who turned off everything to save energy when he thought he was in his own bungalow! TV's poor residents were watching, lights, fridges and freezers!! The list goes on.
The care home contacted me recently asking whether I could write a short story reliving the 'lighter side' of dementia as it affected Dad. Several relatives I grew friendly with over the years had requested it!
Anyway, none of this waffle of mine detracts from the sorrow we all feel for you.
Oh it’s not waffle it’s wonderful, as you know John had the symptoms of dementia though caused by the strokes, that final week I had 2 conversations with him one the colour of his bathroom door in his bedroom at the nursing home and how much he liked it, and I was to ask the guy who cuts our hedge to cut it in the shape of an animal! Went in one day and he thought I was his sister I said it’s Pauline your wife he answered with oh am I married! I can relive those 4 weeks he was in the nursing home like a video playing, he kept telling me he liked it there, loved his room. After not being able to see him for that 8 weeks I am hanging on to those weeks because he was calm he was content. Sometimes still confused but sometimes my lovely husband, I hadn’t seen him for that 8 weeks and I walked into his room I promptly bust into tears he didn’t know I hadn’t been there for such a long time and the first thing he said was had I brought any chocolate! So he munched his way through a bounty bar loving every bit! Have a good night
I'm new here post-op three months triple bypass. I'm sorry for your loss, it seems to me that loved husband's father's, that have ppl , family that love them, need them to the moon and back leave. Someone like me, who's kids don't care, no friends and live alone I'm 58 but I feel 108, I'm still here I don't know why. Sorry for your loss.
Welcome to the forum, thank you for your condolences.
I am so sorry that your family is not being very supportive.
Going through your surgery is one of the most frightening things we go through. But you have come through with a mended heart. 3 months isn’t long it takes longer than we imagine to get our stamina back and let our brains work out what we have been through.
I know I had trouble getting my head round that someone had held my heart, it freaked my out. But after a few months I came to realise I had been given a great gift, a second chance. You are important, you have a mended heart and can look at your life as what can I achieve now!
If you have read the posts on this thread you will have read I was married to my lovely husband for 52 years. So I am trying to pick up the pieces and put my life back together again. Don’t know if I will manage but I am going to give it my best shot. It’s my way of honouring him and the life we had. However long I have I will live the best life I can. Yes I am very lucky I have a wonderful family, 2 very caring sons and 5 granddaughters who I know will change the world in different ways. I will keep going to watch them grow into the women I know they will become.
I see from your bio you are in the USA, can I ask did you do any cardio rehab? I found it invaluable as much for my mental health as much as my physical health. If you didn’t see if there is a course you could do. Maybe ask about some counselling just to help you get your head around what you have been through.
Lastly you are now a member of the Hearties family, we are here to listen to lend a shoulder to lean on if that’s what you need.
Your life will be good again you just need a little bit of help.
I’m so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful send off, the lifeboat memorial is a great idea!We live just across (and along) the Forth in Edinburgh. Anstruther is a lovely place - full of the sights and sounds of the sea. We visited a few years ago, and went to the Fisheries Museum - beautiful ganseys on display at that time. It was quite a windy day, so there was a constant rattle from the masts of the small boats in the harbour, and that just added to the atmosphere.
We live just outside Glasgow, I will travel down to Poole to see the life boat before she makes her way up here to go on to station but I really want to go and see her in Anstruther. Have looked on line and it looks beautiful. Love the thought of his name being associated with the life boat.
So sorry for your loss Sorry to say there's just too many groups to keep up with everything at times. I mainly post in the lung and breath easy groups. Hope you can eventually continue to enjoy life and have a few holidays with friends if only in this country. Take care Brian
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I don’t spend as much time on this site as I used to so forgive me for my late response. Allow yourself some time to grieve. I found it was the not grieving and keeping myself busy that can caused me more pain. Take care and remember We’re all thinking of you xx
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ECTOPICS WINDING ME UP.!!
Follow up appointments. 
Fed up and not a little anxious
