How can I best support my husband who will have bypass surgery in 10 days?

[worriedjane]

We're new to this. My husband (an independent, strong but gentle man) has just been told he needs bypass surgery. How can I best support him while he's going through this?

[MichaelJH Heart Star]

Hello and welcome to the forum! I had a quadruple bypass 18 months ago and am more than happy with the result. A good starting point is to look at the BHF webpage:

bhf.org.uk/informationsuppo...

There is also a downloadable booklet.

For information rely on the BHF and NHS websites. It is advisable to avoid Doc Google as there is a lot of out-of-date information and total rubbish out there! The best things he can do now is live healthily, work on core strength as the will not be able to use his arms to get up (practice getting up with arms crossed), and buying an adjustable bed backrest (will post a link later) and a raised toilet seat if you have a low level unit.

If he is apprehensive let him verbalise his fears. Others here are better placed than me to advise you on this area as my attitude was "Let's do this" as I was tired of angina and breathlessness.

Good luck!

[worriedjane in reply to MichaelJH]

Thanks Michael. I'll look at the BHF info and booklet. Thanks for the tips re sitting up and a bed backrest. This will probably sound ridiculous but what did you take to wear in hospital? PJs with buttons down the front? I'm assuming it will be difficult for him to put T shirts etc on over his head.

Getting him to talk is quite difficult...

[MichaelJH Heart Star in reply to worriedjane]

Back now - I have been on the move!

The link for the backrest is:

Adjustable Bed Backrest amazon.co.uk/dp/B01BWXJV94/...

@080311 has answered on pyjamas. After surgery I did not wear a top for three days as the combination of ECG style leads, two cannulas (my second was for blood)and pacing wires made putting on a top a problem Houdini could not have solved. For the bottoms easily adjustable corded ones are best and avoid cheap ones as they tend not to have an opening fly!

And if he has pain he should ask for pain relief. Toughing it out just inhibits healing.

[worriedjane in reply to MichaelJH]

Thank you! I'm ordering the backrest now... And bottoms with opening flies.

A huge thank you for your advice and support.

[080311]

Hi worriedjane it’s a very scary place that you have found yourselves in but there are plenty of us here that have been through it, and we have come out the other side with a mended heart!

I had aortic valve replaced plus bypass 3 years ago and the best support you can be for your husband is be by his side. Listen to what he as to say his thoughts will be all over the place.

Practical things Michael as already covered, but yes button down the front pjs, you are told don’t raise your arms above your head for the first 6 weeks. If he is worried about pain they really make sure you are pain free.

Please encourage him to go to cardio rehab when the time is right. It’s as much for getting his stamina back but also for his mental health. Mixing with others who have had similar experiences will show him he is not alone. If he as a slight pain or an ache talking to someone else he will find they have the same and you think that’s ok it’s normal! I know I found it invaluable. Just remind him after his op it’s baby steps and he will get there.

I wish you both the very best believe me it’s ok. Pauline

[worriedjane in reply to 080311]

Thanks very much Pauline. It's so reassuring to hear from people who've been through it. The mental health side of things is something I'm concerned about and I will definitely encourage him to go to cardio rehab.

[Hidden]

Hi Jane, the mental health after the operation is a big deal. You will have to be strong for him. Be prepared to listen and be there for him. It's important for both of you to be 100% open and honest with each other! Do not hide how you both feel as this leads to confusion and misunderstanding on both sides, I speak from experience with my wife. Make sure he does the rehab and if he requires counselling Make sure you both push for it with the cardiac nurse and also the gp.

[worriedjane in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Chilco. Neither of us are being particularly open with each other at the moment. We're both putting on a brave face, I think. I don't want him to know that I'm in a state of shock - he has none of the usual symptoms and it was picked up in a routine medical - my strong, fit husband needs heart surgery! How did that happen?

This forum is the first time I've been able to talk about my feelings... It seems incredibly selfish to focus on me rather than on what he's going through. But, thinking about it, I'll get it off my chest and then get on with supporting him.

[Becksagogo in reply to worriedjane]

Great attitude. You can't begin to help your husband if you are not in the right frame of mind. There are so many tips on this forum which will help your husband so try to read all that you can but most importantly make time for you otherwise you will be of no use to anyone! Accept all offers of help from friends and family. Wishing you the very best of luck x

[Roamie in reply to worriedjane]

Becks is spot on with her advice. Are you able to go with your husband to the consultations? I know that in my situation, it has helped enormously for various reasons.

You never remember everything you are told on your own, so it really helps to have a second pair of ears.

It also helps to both be aware of the advice, warnings and instructions, and at that point you can both share your reservations and fears.

A problem shared is a problem halved, as they say.

Good luck, and keep us up to date.

[Hidden in reply to worriedjane]

Hi Jane, it's important that you are there for him. Often the partners are overlooked. It is a worrying time for you both. You have to remember to make time for yourself. It's important that you are present at the consultations, where you are informed about what is going to happen. Please remember these are now routine operations, performed by experienced professionals.

Try to find a relative or friend who could give you the support you need.

Please try to be more open with your husband so that he knows you are going through this as well as him and have your own fears. You also need to know his fears as well.

Any communication is better than just assuming the other is coping better than they are.

Take care.

[Hidden]

Hi Jane. I underwent my bypass about two and a half weeks ago. All through this my wife has been amazingly supportive simply by listening to my concerns and worries and supporting me practically by looking after me when I got out of hospital.

I don't think it's at all selfish for you to focus on yourself. I have been very concerned my wife has been under a great deal of stress and have been encouraging her to take time for herself to unwind and relax.

Re pj's, as Micheal has previously said, you have so many wires and tubes coming in and out of you wearing any pj top is complicated plus my chest was very sensitive and fastening the top was uncomfortable. I wore the supplied hopsital gown just after the op and while in high dependency. Once transferred to the ward I wore pj bottoms and occasionally the pj top but open.

Best of luck, while I found the prospect of surgery scary am glad to have had it done and while still recovering I can feel the benefits already.

[Ianc2]

Get a nice warm dressing gown that can be machine washed and tumble dried . Something that can be slipped on with minimal effort. I was fortunate that I had mine done in May. One of the checks they do before they chuck you out is to make sure you can give yourself a shower .

[Handel]

Hello worriedjane.

My husband had a quad bypass 15 months ago. The first thing you must do is take care of yourself!!

Hubby had never worn pyjamas in his life, preferring boxers and a T shirt. You'll need to get button fronted ones as it might be difficult to raise his arms to get a top over his head.

Michael mentioned a back rest. I found a V shaped pillow was great for sitting in a chair watching TV. It also helped to prop up in bed.

He might find sleep eludes him in the first few weeks (rolling over in his sleep, discomfort etc). I put a rolled up duvet between us in bed so he had a bit of a buffer!

Tell him not to worry if he has weird dreams! They will pass in time (or he might not have any).

Keep in touch and ask as many questions as you need to. I found this site brilliant as there are so many people here who have 'been there and done that'. I think it was MichaelJH who told me there are no stupid questions! I certainly asked quite a few!!

Again look after yourself. i didn't realise how much the worry about hubby affected me.

It helped hubby to see show him this forum and the answers and experiences. He then felt he wasn't the only one to have a bypass!!!

xxxx

[Craneman]

Hi,

11 years since I had my CABG, your support will be to boost his confidence, be prepared for depression in the early stages of recovery, ensure after 6 weeks that he attends Cardio Rehab training at your local hospital and after that find a gymnasium that have Cardi Rehab classes weekly ,twice weekly is better, you Dr may have a ludg of local gyms that offer these classes.

[cjbroon]

I had open heart surgery last April on a bypass machine though not technically a bypass operation. My wife took the day off the I went in but I told her they was no point taking time off whilst I was in hospital but to take it off when I went home. I was in a month and she came in every day whilst still working( though she does work close to the hospital which helped). We kept the kids at school and they came in at weekends and sometimes in evenings. But I certainly found that being there when I got home was more important as I was really tired and she stopped me trying to do things I shouldn't.

[worriedjane]

I've spent the day trying to convince my husband that he really doesn't have to finish the decking before he goes into hospital... Madness.

All your advice and support is invaluable - thank you all very much. I'm sure I'll have more questions before and after his op.

[Chessman]

Hi. I had a triple heart bypass about 6 months ago. One of the best things that helped me was seeing a friend who have had a similar operation almost 20 years ago. He is now 90 years old and is still very fit and active. I have at least 3 other friends who had the op from 5 to 10 years ago, and they also are as good as they were before the op. So if you do know anybody who have had the op, and are still fit, try and persuade them to pop around for a cop of tea !

We are all different but they sat that 2-3 months for healing. I am now at 6 months and I feel better thatI did for a good few years before the op. I go walking, swimming, a few drinks. Life is good ! Stay positive !

[shopman]

Something else to get is a cushion or similar that he can place across his chest when in the car to stop the seat belt chafing. Also remember to try and avoid potholes and don't drive too near to the nearside so you avoid all the drains.

My wife got a shock when she initially saw me because of all the tubes/wires that were in evidence and wished on reflection she had waited an extra 24 hours before visiting. It will be 21 years ago this Tuesday since my op.

[shopman]

Forgot to add - make sure they have taught him how to cough.

[Shar28]

Hi. My husband had an Aortic Valve Replacement a couple of years ago. We both found it a really scary time but we muddled through. We found as well as being on a joint journey we were also on our individual journeys through this experience. I fussed and worried and he accepted that but just carried on his own sweet way anyway, probably doing too much and not getting back to “normal” as quickly as he wanted to, which I had to accept. For us, it was supporting each other in different ways.

On a practical note, he found a stool in the shower really helped. And I washed his hair for him for a few days too.

Hope all goes well. Best wishes to both of you.

[Chickenlou]

My fiancé had a triple bypass 4 weeks ago tomorrow. It’s not been easy for either of us, but he’s also not been as ‘ill’ as we expected afterwards (and he had an additional nights stay in intensive care due to complications after surgery.)

Main things I’d say are: (please bear in mind tho my experiences may be completely different to someone else’s : )

* Be prepared for the amount of tubes, wires and machines he’ll be attached to, this was a bit of a shock even though I was expecting it - there were so many of them I was bit nervous to touch him to start with

* when my fiancé was first taken off the intubation tube he was very confused and kept asking where I was (to me) he was also distressed at times (but didn’t appear to be in pain) by the following day he was more himself. - he doesn’t seem to remember much about the first day.

* expect some mood swings - I got the brunt of these and for a couple of days literally nothing I could do was right (I even got called an idiot once and thats so unlike him to be nasty.)

* make time for yourself and look after yourself it’s a really stressful and emotional time for those close to those having the surgery.

I’m sure I have lots more but if there’s anything specific please feel free to ask

[invictaAlec]

Dear Worried Jane, its twenty months since I had my bypass and being a member of this forum certainly helped me in the immediate post op days.

On being discharged I had no wife or partner to look after me, so just by being there you're already a bonus!

I learned a couple of things very quickly. We all have our own different recovery stories to tell. Some have sore and tender chests but mine was as numb as hell for the first couple of months. I was relieved to find others on here that said they were the same as me. Some have wild dreams and others have stiff shoulders. I had (and still do) have both of those but its always comforting when you find out its "perfectly normal".

Well meaning but over optimistic friends and family will tell him "You'll be back to normal before you know it". Actually they are wrong. Its a big operation and there are no prizes for trying to rush your recovery. I gave myself a year. Yep a whole year, and I needed all of it.

Slowly, gently and enjoy the little recovery victories as they come. Being able to put your own socks on again is a real milestone!

I do wish you both all the best.

Alec.

[emjay18]

Make sure that you know what is where in domestic documentation, bank accounts, cash cards, insurances etc, and HOW YOU GET AT THEM.

I had a triple bypass a couple of years ago and still have blank chunks of memory about things that were important and interesting to me.Get him as fit for self lifting etc as possible.

Tell yourself that he will may somewhat weird for some time. My wife was asked "Is he always like this ??" in the ward. I do not remember what triggered that at all .

If you have a lot of local family and close friends control the visiting rate so that you get to see him when he is bright, not knacked from visits. If you dont, do your best to arrange support for yourself, even for journeys to visit him.

[Lancs-one]

Hi,

I had a quad bypass last year and have recovered really well and back to normal now. I found all the help and advice I needed on this forum and the support from everyone was superb.

I think others have given you all the relevant advice you need to get prepared - especially around all the tubes and drains and the practicalities of dressing. I am a size 12 and I bought some front fastening size 24 pyjamas. All the extra room was ideal. The drips & drains come out quite soon after, so don't spend a lot of money.

The food at the hospital I was in wasn't very appetising. My family brought in extra goodies for me - the Marks & Spencer mixed berries were the most delicious thing ever!!!

It will be a fine line between helping and supporting and becoming too pampering, but you will work it out. Look after yourself as well as your husband.

Let us know how you get on

Marie

[Jazz100]

I was the same as you 3 months ago. My hubbies triple bypass operation came out of the blue. We didn’t even realise he had had a heart attack. I have to say when the news came that they couldn’t do stents we both cried. I was so shocked to see my strong husband so very vulnerable. But he/we got through it. The practical things I found that helped was a V shaped pillow, a padded lap tray, a shower stool and grab handles and also a foot stool. I also bought bed bath wipes for the days he didn’t feel up to a shower.

He did loose a lot of weight, almost a stone, but that has gradually improved. Don’t expect him to be eating well when he comes home either. Soups, yogurts and puddings. Things that slip down easily.

Good luck, they do look after them really well and in a few months he will be well on the way to being back to his normal self.

[PV74]

Hi Jane. I went for a run last new years eve… and came out of hospital 10 days later after a cardiac arrest and triple bypass. All a bit unexpected! People have offered some great advice above. Here is my two cents worth…

* The operation is a BIG op (my GP described it as an engineered car crash) and it will take time to heal. But thousands of these ops are done every year, and the care I received from the hospital staff was amazing. It will be new and scary for both of you, but just ask all the questions you have, and they should be able to answer you.

* Be really encouraging - for your husband, and for yourself. Try and be positive - it’s not a nice experience, but it is incredible that they can do these procedures and literally save peoples lives. You can both get through this! And you will have support along the way.

* I found the time in hospital to be quite structured. The staff will be monitoring your husband closely and if all goes smoothly will be taking various wires and tubes and stitches out of him each day after the op. Within a couple of days he will be encouraged to walk - they are very wary of pneumonia, so encourage the patient to get up and about, even for a few steps, asap!

* I was home 5 days after surgery, which I think is pretty common. That is probably when things get a bit anxious - you’re both at home trying to figure out whether each new sensation is just part of healing or something to worry about. For me, I spent about the first week just letting my partner take care of everything (tablets, cooking etc). But slowly slowly started doing stuff myself. Just making the first cup of tea felt like a step forward.

* I suggest your husband keep a diary - write down how he feels each day, how far he has walked, note down new things he has been able to do. It can help down the line when you feel your recovery progress is slow.

* My cardiac rehab was from week 6 to 14 post op. It was really helpful. It’s also an opportunity for you both to ask questions of the team.

* Emotions - well, anxiety is a big one. For me and my partner we just were really honest and kind with each other, which really got us through. There were times I just burst into tears - no idea why. But a few mins later I would be fine. Be patient, be kind… but be honest.

* If something’s not right, call for help. During this recovery I once felt really weird and so 999 it was. I felt so silly going to A&E in the ambulance, but every single person reassured me that heart bypass patients in the weeks and months after surgery are exactly who should be calling if something’s not right. Don’t hesitate.

* Other resources - you should get some literature when your husband is sent home explaining the first weeks after surgery, important numbers etc. Also, I reckon for the first couple of weeks after discharge you shouldnt feel bad calling the ward and asking a cardiac nurse or consultant a question (though I think that goodwill lasts a couple of weeks!). You can also phone the British Heart Foundation cardiac nurses - they’re great. And the cardiac rehab team too. And of course your GP. And this forum!

Tremendous good luck to both of you - you and your husband will do great!