I have had a few PMs to prescribe some laughter so here goes:
Breakfast Couples:
(Bacon) - Don’t go bacon my heart
(Egg) - I couldn’t if I fried
I have a condition that stops me dieting. It's called "bloody hungry"!
The doctor told the cannibal "You are what you eat"
The cannibal replied "I need to start eating skinny people".
Heard on the radio. Boris said pork pies are exported to Iceland and Thailand. This was denied but it was admitted they were sold in Iceland. Hope he doesn't think Tesco have a lot of embassies!
If you have to shave before you get on the scales you definitely have a weight problem!
Why did the man go to Wickes? He was told he could get thinner there!
I tell people I’m on a low-carb diet. But in reality, I just eat pasta while lying on the floor.
Did you hear about the seafood diet? You see food and you eat it.
D.I.E.T. = Did I Eat That?
D.I.E.T. = Do I Eat Today?
D.I.E.T. = Don't Indulge Every Time
How do most people curb their appetite?
At a McD's drive thru window!
Written by
MichaelJH
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Excellent. Good for the soul and it reminded me of a scuffle I had in B&Q last week. I got banned from the store. The assistant came up to me and asked if I wanted decking. Well, being ex army I got in first and decked him. 🤣😂
Yesterday, at the request of my long suffering wife, I was sent to Sainsbury’s to pick up a large bag of “Beta Dog Food” for our three Labradors. At this point I ought to point out that although I am over 65, my mind is sharp and my wit is keen!
Having searched half the shop I located the dog food and went to checkout, where there was the inevitable queue. A woman behind me asked me if I had a dog!
Since I was well past my sell by date I turned and without hesitation told her no, I did not have a dog and that I was starting the “Beta” diet again, although I probably should not because the last time I went on it, I ended up in intensive care ward with tubes and drips everywhere. I then said that it might have been worth it since I had lost 50lbs on the diet and had succeeded by keeping a pocket full of “Beta” in my trousers and whenever hungry just helped myself to a couple of the nuggets and told her finally that the food was nutritious and a complete food so was going to give it another go.
Since Sainsbury’s was quite packed, there were more than a few people enthralled with my story, even a bit disgusted, however the female who asked me the original question replied, “Did you end up in intensive care because of the dog food” and replied, no, that I had actually stepped off the pavement to sniff the arse of a particularly attractive red setter and a car had hit us both!
Delivered dead pan, seconds went by before the bloke behind the female burst out laughing, as did most other people.
The female complained and I am now banned from Sainsbury’s.
Nah, levitation clearly doesn’t work. My hound has been trying it for years on the cheese board: the concentration is legendary, but it has never worked😅
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon.
Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around 8PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house.
"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock."
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying b*stard! You've been playing golf!"
It turned a negative moment into a positive one😣☺️
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up - "Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.
"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week and occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."
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