Mother passed away last night

[CJ2016]

My brother and I had to do CPR, and the images just keep going over and over and over in my head.

My life has revolved around my mother for the last couple of years, as I am/was her carer, now I will have to take over care duty for my dad.

But it just feels so raw, feel so numb, tonight I've had a few drinks to try and help me sleep, as last night I only managed 2 hours, but life Will never be the same

Its a case of a big part of me has died with my mother, people keep saying it will get easier etc etc, but no my mother was practically my life for so long its just unexplainable the feelings that I have right now.

I feel like I am in a black void and people keep talking and nothing is registering, it feels so unreal.

[Caza]

I really feel for you. That must be awful to see & live through. Your in shock so it’s no wonder your thoughts are like wading through treacle. I never get it when people say “things” will get easier, they mean well. For me you learn to live beside your grief

Your mum will always be with you. You take care. Big hugs xx

[thakurhimanshi]

Really sad for you !! I understand you because I also lost my father some time ago

[Greyone]

Hi Cj

So sorry for you for the loss of your beloved mother. As children we grow so close so our mothers and more so when it is our turn to be carers. I hope you can be comforted with the thought that that is the natural order. We do loose a big part of ourselves when such a unique and loving relationship changes.

I hope you and your brother are able to comfort each other during the time ahead. Things will get better in their own time. When you feel not, you can reach out here again or to those wonderful Cruse Bereavement people ( 0808 808 1677 ) as soon as you wish, even today.

I hope you have the help you need to look after your dear dad and can nurse him through his even greater loss. Good luck with the immediate future and well be here waiting for you when you need.

[CJ2016]

Thank you guys appreciate the replys, i just feel so broken.

[chloe40 Administrator]

Hello CJ2016

I'm so sorry that you've lost your dear Mum.

You've had such an enormous shock and I am concerned for you. The images will keep popping into your head, that happens with a close death on many occasions but the fact that you gave CPR must have been so , well I can't think of a word that sums up, the visions going through your head {{{hugs}}}

Please do have a word with your Doctor if may be able to help initially.

Stay close CJ.

Chloe <3

[klr31]

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[Celtic27]

Hi there sorry to hear of your sad loss I lost my mother several years ago and theres times when it's still raw but I find remembering our good times together and I also find myself talking to her as if she's there! I find that if I think of my mother she is in my heart and with me daily god bless you david 🙏

[Careyon]

Sorry for your loss. Losing a mom is probably one of the toughest things you’ll ever go through. Praying for your strength, comfort and healing. I’m hoping the articles here, bit.ly/3mW08QR, can provide some of that. Sending hugs and prayers your way.

[CJ2016]

Thanks guys really appreciate the replys, honestly it feels like I am in a different world right now.

I have great memories of my mother , and it hurts really bad knowing that I won't get to talk to her and hear her laugh and see her smile and ask how well she slept ever again and it truly does break my heart.

Its still fresh so having waves or good memories with my mother but also flashbacks of that night and its really tearing me apart ,but as much as I feel like I don't want to be here anymore , I got to keep going for my dad & dog.

[kenster1 Volunteer in reply to CJ2016]

hey glad your here also one thing that will help is all these great memories you have the great memories do bring tears at first but as time goes on they make you smile.

[Cat888]

Stay in your own space the time you need to process the absence you are feeling. The only time I'd say you should come out is if by being there it has a detrimental effect on your life and those who you love who are yet still alive. You may feel you need to spend time alone more than you are able to, especially since now you have to care for your father. Then whenever you can, take a moment to mediate (just a silent moment to express out loud or in your mind your feelings, whatever they are.) Just emptying your mind of whatever makes you feel like you can't breathe, like you can't continue.

The fact that you cared for her daily and therefore your routine is now totally disrupted also causes her absence to be immediately felt at a physical level (eg. not feeling like you can breathe, not being able to focus, anger, sullenness, etc.) It's normal, it's okay.

Thinking about all she meant may bring comfort. Her being the one that God used to give you life. Her being the one that taught you the earliest of things to survive, grow and thrive and whatever else filled your relationship with each other. And no matter whether she was imperfect or the epitome of motherhood, she impacted your life like no other person in the world and that is more than worth staying in that contemplative private place to remember and cherish, to heal and forgive, and to cry (or not).

As you come out of a period of numbness, at least that's what I felt for sometime, thinking about wonderful, unique experiences you had with her will help to bring joy, because there is life after this and it can be a fulfilling one even without our cherished essential "suns". I say that because when my father died suddenly, at a distance, and without any warning many years ago, I felt like the sun had been removed from my universe. So after you come out of your time of self healing, thinking on fond, funny memories will help you have beautiful things, lessons, wisdom to share with others who they too may need comfort to overcome their grief as you will have.

I've been there. We each go it at our own pace and way. I told my children not long ago that I'd give anything to be in my father's arms again. And even though that's an exaggeration since I know I can't, nevertheless I FEEL those words and my eyes swell and I miss him even now as I write and...I hope to see him again.

[waylay]

I lost my Mum in April, and I get flashbacks even though her passing was incredibly peaceful. No wonder you're having them! If they continue past a few weeks, I'd speak to your GP, a counsellor or a bereavement group.

I haven't found that it gets easier, no. I have found that I'm getting used to it, though. The waves of enormous grief come less often, I'm bursting into tears less, and I think of good memories of her (as opposed to of her sickness and death) a lot more. I don't think the void her death left in me will ever go away, but I'm getting used to it.

I found that I was exhausted, irritable, distracted, either insomniac or sleeping way more than usual, and had no appetite for weeks after her death. Grief was very physical for me, as well as emotional. My brother was the same. Whatever you're feeling, know that it's normal, there's no rush to "get over" this, and you can proceed at your own pace and in your own way.

[CJ2016 in reply to waylay]

Thanks sorry for the slow reply, appreciate the response, and yes I agree it does not get any easier , that hurt will be there forever.

A lot of that pain and anger I've started putting into words by writing in a journal,I am not sure if it is helping doing so, but I do it anyway.

I agree the flashbacks are as not everyday like before , but they still happen, I continue to feel like I failed even though from the autopsy report are efforts was fruitless no matter what we done.

But that does not make it easier, having to now look after my father completely now means I do have a break in between overly thinking, but as u said that void never goes.

We buried her ashes on the weekend , hopefully can get a stone down before Xmas, but yeah generally it's hard to smile atm.

As much as I dislike Xmas and would not of put decorations up, my mother loved it so put some decorations up in honour of her memory.

Hopefully 2021 will get better, I won't hold my breath though.

[waylay in reply to CJ2016]

I hear you. I dislike Xmas,but mum loved it