How long have you been grieving?

[chloe40]

I'm really interested in the differences in length of time we grieve, as you know, this varies enormously, so everyone will be different, so please keep this in mind everyone <3

Please contribute if you feel able.

Chloe <3

[Greyone]

Just coming up to the end of my third year without mum and I'm preparing for her Anniversary. Grieving still dominates my thoughts because I have much time on my hands, still live in her old house. My thoughts are haunted by the desire to spend more time with both my parents but fail to understand what I mean by that.

I spend some time trying to lessen my grief by trying to resolve what I can.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

Hello Greyone

Yes, grieving has been difficult for you Greyone <3 I can understand that.

I've been pondering on your words and why your thoughts are leading you to 'want to spend more time with your parents' Could it be that you are divided? One part of you wants to move home and move on with your life and the other knows your life and memories have been in your present family home?

Understandably, your home contains many memories and maybe you just don't feel ready to leave that behind? although your memories will always be with you wherever you are. It could be that you find comfort being close to everything that meant so much to you and that's okay, you don't need to change anything but it would be good for you to have a little outside friendship too.

When you find some sort of acceptance, I do hope it all falls into place for you, whatever you decide, or you may not make any decisions of course, that's entirely up to you <3

Chloe

[spykey in reply to chloe40]

Hi Chloe

I lost my brother 33 years ago this June and I still have my moments when I least expect them when I have a little cry & go back to the day when we lost him! But time has moved on over the years and please don’t panic it’s not the same for everyone!!

And yes 33 years is a long time to be still grieving, but I do it in a different way than I first did! I have his photograph where I can see it easily, I learnt to give myself permission to move on and learn new things, knowing that he may not be with me in body, but he is in my thoughts, by my side and there in spirit whenever I need him!

I talk to him when I’m having a rough time as he looked after me when I was younger especially when someone was picking on me I find this helpful, and ask him what to do & it’s like having a guardian angel right beside me or I look up & shout at him at times when I feel frustrated and really don’t know what to do!! I thank him for being there when I need him and for the time he was with me, and thank God for allowing me to have a big brother that cared!

When the anniversary comes round, I buy one red rose 🌹 put it by his photo, light a candle and thank him for letting me spend the time I did with him, and thank God for letting me have him, and for reminding me that he is in heaven, always in my heart 💓 and in my thoughts!!

I will never forget him, but I have had to move on and take life a day at a time, and do things differently!!

May God Bless you All, and be with you surrounding you with his Guardian Angels to protect you!

Love 💕 and Blessings to you All

Spykey

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to spykey]

Thank you for sharing your loss with us @Spikey

You seem to have found a very good route to acceptance, thank you!

Chloe <3

[Greyone in reply to chloe40]

I went to see my folks on Sunday. That was odd because I needed to go to Morrisons and since it was such a nice day I carried on walking to the Crem, then to Tescos for a loaf and latte and back home. Thinks that's just under 2 hours of walking time. It felt like a pleasant afternoon.

To be honest, I'm not sure what I meant. I think it was just a knee jerk thing without too much thought. But I find it nice sitting in the crem and enjoying the sight and sunshine and just relaxing. I can't quite imagine how I thought it would happen.

For the moment I'm just trying to move on a bit. I'm also trying to take it easy and find better words for what I have to say.

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Greyone]

I also find this somehow relaxing Greyone

You always explain yourself very well

Chloe

[Kathush]

4 years, not constantly, but almost. I still am unable to frequent anywhere me and mom would go together as i know i will breakdown and embarrass myself crying. I just miss her being able to get me out of the house as she was the only one that helped me with my agoraphobia. She needed my help and that is what got me out and about, even though my fear was excruciating being in public, i had to help her go food shopping etc. Now i look back and think how on earth did i do that....but it was for her. ❤

[chloe40 Administrator in reply to Kathush]

Hello Kathush

Your Mom will always be by your side Kathush, giving you the strength to cope with everything you need to do and you'll feel elated when you get back home! It's a very difficult time for you but never feel embarrassed about crying outside, we've all done it.

Chloe <3

[spykey in reply to Kathush]

Hi Kathush

Agoraphobia can be a horrible condition to suffer from and can often feel crippling when your focus changes!! But you Will and can get through this, I believe in you and you can and should be proud of yourself!! I know it’s not easy but it is possible for you to get outside and out and about again!

Your Mum May have passed on but she is still with you in your heart 💓, head, and right beside you holding your hand as you Guardian Angel and when you go out you are not and will never be alone!

I still talk to my brother despite losing him 33 years ago now, especially when I feel vulnerable or alone, or wherever I am finding myself in a difficult situation that makes me feel anxious, this includes when I’m out or in my house!

I get claustrophobia and agoraphobia and so I understand how difficult it is to get out and about and have spent times in my house getting everything delivered, but I definitely wouldn’t recommend it to anyone to avoiding going out as it can snowball and make things a lot worse for you!! If I’m feeling the agoraphobia creeping up, I try to force myself to go the little shop and Post Office just along from me and is quite quiet most days and go and buy something even if it is only a small packet of fruit pastilles!!

If I’m struggling to go to to do a bigger shop like Tesco’s, I allow myself to do an online order and keep trying by going to my little shop til I am having a bit of a stronger day!!

I know you said you find it difficult to go places your Mum & you went to, I had this problem too!

I was so scared I would breakdown and crumble into a mess, so I went to one a week, ordered a cup of tea sat outside put my headphones on and listened to some of our songs I wore sunglasses and spent half an hour at each and each time I went it gradually became a little easier and I talked to my brother in my mind and as time went on whilst I was sitting there, sometimes people thought I was singing along with the words as I had my headphones on when I was actually talking to my brother!! Like Chloe said Never feel embarrassed about crying outside 4 years is I think still not that long ago, and we all handle grief differently and their emotions differently!

Kathush sorry for the essay! I believe your Mum will always be there for you as your Guardian Angel and will help you to get through & we are all here for you too!!

Thinking of you Katkush

Love and Blessings 💓

Spykey

[Kathush in reply to spykey]

Thank you so very much. I really appreciate your replies as they make me feel like i can accomplish this bit by bit. I do talk to momma and tell her how lonely i am without her but maybe i think it will be a better thing to talk with her like if she were here, with me still. Sometimes i read/ hear someone say "remember the good times", but even those get me so lonely for her and yearn more. I do talk to a psychiatrist but i like it much better here in this group because you all know and feel the pain as have been through it or are going through it. Like a family to me. And i thank you all so much. ❤🏡❤