Mom

[iriss]

I’ve been going through my photos and videos and I found a screenshot of a story of something my mom did on our last vacation that we took together. It made me sad. I miss her a lot. She was so random and funny and I miss having her in my life to randomly brighten up my day.

I just found a video that I took of my niece where my mom told her to say “I love you” and I got on film my mom saying “I love you” and it made me extra sad because I won’t get to hear her voice ever again.

She was the best and I miss her so much. December sucks and Christmas sucks without her.

My dad doesn’t celebrate Christmas because he just doesn’t see a point. So we have no Christmas tree up, we aren’t getting any presents (not that I mind much, but it is nice to have someone think about you enough to get you something), and we aren’t doing anything that’s really Christmas related. We are going to my aunts house (who we just recently started talking to again after not speaking for like 8 years) but that’s not really anything besides eating dinner and having awkward relative time. My moms side of the family is having Christmas Eve at her sisters house (my aunt) and I’m going to that, but it’s not the same without her.

We would open all of our presents (or all but one) on Christmas Eve, and then on Christmas Day we would either invite my siblings over with their wives and kids to eat cinnamon rolls at my moms house, or we would go to my oldest brothers house and eat cinnamon rolls there. We would watch my nieces open presents and we would have a good time. Then mom, my step dad, my brother and I would hang out and watch tv all day until we went to my step dads Christmas at his house. Then we would go home. My brother usually would be at my dads house, so my mom and I would watch tv and relax.

This year I’m having none of those traditions. I’m going to Christmas Eve at my aunts house where I’ll probably sit in the corner and read and be alone, then I’m going to my dads house where I’ll be sad and alone and sleep, and on Christmas Day I’ll probably celebrate nothing until we go to my aunts. I have no idea what will happen there, but I have a feeling I’ll be judged for my haircut (I have a shaved undercut and short hair on top) because my family is weird. I don’t know if I’ll enjoy it or not.

I honestly don’t want Christmas to even come at all because it’s not the same without her and it will never be the same without her and I don’t know how to handle that.

Over Christmas break I won’t be able to relax at all because I have to do a TON of makeup work. I have make up work in almost every single one of my classes. My friends talked about planning something but I doubt they’ll follow through with it because that’s how they always are. They don’t seem to care much about cancelling plans with me or not even planning them.

I have no plans for New Years and I’ll probably spend it alone while crying because New Years is a bad holiday for me too.

School is extremely difficult right now and life is difficult and I’m sad and tired and sick. I have a lot of tests this week and I’m nervous because I’m just so behind and lost in school. I don’t know what to do anymore honestly.

The only good news is that I finished my drivers ed, so I can most likely get my license in the next few weeks. That means that I can hopefully get out of my house more, and have more frequent therapy appointments. Maybe I’ll actually see an improvement then.

Other than that, life has been sucky lately.

[Greyone]

Hi Iriss.

I think it is inevitable that bereavement changes how we see our own and others lives. Christmas is one of those things that knit us together so close that losing a family member can change everything.

My sister and I knew mum would be leaving us soon but managed to celebrate Christmas for her in the same way she did for us as children. It was a peaceful and joyful Christmas. With mum helping is many ways, especially with cooking the meal.

When she went into a home, our Christmas moved there as well because that was where the family could be 'one'.

My view on Christmas changed dramatically when she died over two years ago and now I cannot see Christmas in the same way. I still enjoy Christmas by visiting people; giving, receiving and reading cards; waiting for Sant to visit thanks to a local charity, enjoying Christmas services and programs on the TV and Radio and enjoying a Christmas meal I cook.

Your story reads like your life is now moving on and that is excellent. Hopefully, the school can help support you through your exams and afterwards and they know how things are with you at home and you are able to talk to them about any study matters. Good luck or congratulations on the driving license.

Maybe you and Dad can celebrate Christmas in little ways. With a nice little Christmas card with a simple greeting, a small present of something he needs or just a few sweets or nice biscuits he is fond of. Is there anything he can do on the day to help? Does he like anything on the Radio or TV you can enjoy together. (My mum always liked the Queen's speech). Even enjoying a cup of tea with a piece of Christmas Cake. Then maybe next year he may look forward to it. Good luck to you.

[iriss in reply to Greyone]

My dad and mom were divorced so that’s not why he’s not celebrating. He’s not celebrating because he doesn’t want to spend money (when he wastes money on tons of other things like cigarettes.

I don’t really like spending time with him because he’s nosy and mean and he makes me sad and anxious. He’s one of the biggest reasons for my bad mental state because he yells at us and he’s rude and he belittles me and my brother.

He asked my brother and I if not celebrating was fine and we both said yeah because he would have yelled at us for being “materialistic” if we said we wanted Christmas. So now we aren’t celebrating.

I don’t feel comfortable around him in the slightest so I never share my feelings with him. He wouldn’t be able to help me on Christmas Day or eve or any time because he would make me feel bad for my feelings, or he would pry too much and make me upset. I’ve tried telling him things before and he just never really supported me or seemed to care that much.

[Greyone in reply to iriss]

Hi Iriss

That is sad news. I can at least hope for you and your brother may have a quiet and peaceful Christmas and some enjoyment from yourselves at least.

Maybe one day your father will find someone to share his feelings with and understand what really makes him this way. After a loss we all have our own unique road to take and who knows what help we may be offered on the way.

For Christmas and beyond I will hope one day you will all draw closer together. You have taken a big step in coming to join us here.