Which type of support would you have ... - Bereavement Care ...
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Only myself and my husband to cope with it. It was too much.
Karen
Hi Karen,
Yes, that's very understandable, sometimes outsiders seem a little intrusive at such times. <3
Chloe
I wanted help as, after four years, I was at breaking point. The hospital where dad died was supposed to have support for the dying and their family but nothing was offered.
Karen
That's such a shame @kir31
I know hospices offer this support but wasn't aware hospital did, sadly in your case they let you down {{{hugs}}}
And I, in turn, feel I let my father down (in lots of ways). I wish I had got my dad into a hospice actually. The anticipatory medication was never used as it should have been and no support or honest conversation happened. I suppose it's haunting me still as the first year anniversary approaches and last year at this time I was in the midst of an awful time. I should never have had to move dad but that is hindsight for you.
Karen
So sorry to read of your experience but it mirrors mine as well. Although, it was just myself I had to lean on. Its been 4 years, and I don't know how I done it but finally, I started bereavement counselling 2 weeks ago!! I know, awful but like yourself, no hospital support and trying to organise everything is overwhelmingly awful.
My experience is a Hollywood blockbuster in the making but I do strongly believe there needs to be a holistic approach when it comes to support. Not one size fits all and with myself, I needed practical and emotional support. There shouldn't be an assumption plus I found that the palative teams have become desensitised by death that they miss or even by pass / overlook the most vulnerable relatives. There's almost an assumption that there is an army of individuals outside the hospital compounds who will be able to help. Hence, like Karen, I wish that I had chosen or even discussed a hospice option.
Right now, Karen, look after yourself and be patient and kind. Surround yourself with positive and compassionate people. You and your husband have done really well and Dad is eternally grateful, I'm sure.
X
Hi Amakura and a very warm welcome.
I find it so distressing to read of some of the experiences my members have had, little things that could have helped enormously but aren't given or are overlooked. I'm sorry you've been through this too, it's such a difficult experience to go through and so many people have no idea of the suffering we feel.
I'm very much in favour of hospices for so many reasons, they specialise in end of life care and make every living moment worthwhile and les frightening for the patient and family.
Take care
Chloe
Thank you, Chloe for the warm welcome.
I suppose until an individual experiences it, they will never understand. Looking back, and I always ask myself this in order to stop myself from becoming bitter and holding grudges, would I have been fully aware of this experience prior to my mother's passing? Absolutely not. However, hospitals (palliative care in particular) are familiar with the support that is offered at hospices and why it's important. So, why can't this be implemented properly within hospitals by the palliative teams?
My experience is to the extreme and I won't post it, as I'm conscious of those who are still within the early stages of grieving and I don't want them to think the same scenarios will happen to them but if there is any forum / research with regard to changing the way relatives and patients are treated, I would love to be involved. I just do not want it to happen to anyone else and in this day and age, it should not be happening.
Apologies for my brief rant but I'm very passionate about this but yes, please keep me in mind.
Ex
I completely agree with you Amakura
I grateful for your thoughtfulness towards others here but please be assured, you are always welcome to post on our forum.
You are right of course, bad experiences should never be the last we remember of our loved ones. xx
Chloe
I'm so sorry you had to go through that Karen.
The first anniversary is always a dread, so many memories for you and not all good sadly {{{hugs}}} but please try to do something that will bring good thoughts of your Dad to you like planting a shrub he liked, cooking a meal you both enjoyed or going somewhere you'd visited together which holds happy memories for you.
Taken good care of yourself.
Chloe
My family hasn’t been see since the funeral 5 months ago
I lost my mum and my brother within 18months of each other. I would have liked Both family and bereavement Counselling. And family with you in bereavement Counselling. And all permutations of that. I just had Bereavement Counselling and while it was really good - once you left your session, I felt I almost had to start every sentence with “well no because I’m grieving” when people asked unrealistic things of me and I think so much is lost in translation when words just aren’t enough to express what you’re going through. It’s not linear. People who (thankfully) Havnt been bereaved just don’t get that. And that’s a BIG problem.
Hi Will2015abc
Glad you been to counselling and that you found it helpful.
I agree with you, nowhere throughout our young and older live are we given any possible inkling of what bereavement is or how we feel, yet it's something each and every one of us will experience in our lives, it's unbelievable!
Chloe x
Just reading peoples replies I found myself in a similar situation and a very good point is made - both practical and emotional support is needed. And yes palliative teams can sometimes seem desensitized to who is left behind. When my brother died the palliative nurse upped and left leaving no one except his wife with him until a doctor to pronounce him dead (and then duly vanished) and an undertaker arrived. I mean wtf?!!!
I had great difficulty with mums passing as I held her hand on her final journey. I am broken writing this (as coincidentally all I wanted to do all day today was talk to her). I had to pluck up the strength after mum passed to go and find the palliative care nurse who looked after mum as I’d questions that weren’t answered. If I hadn’t - I’d be haunted (or more haunted) today.
Even now I feel broken but what I can do sitting here is literally send you ALL an abundance of Love and Soothing and know you are all in my thoughts.
W
Thank you Will2015abc
Such pain and sadness is felt within this wonderful family here and thank you so much for your love x
Chloe
I can't even get through to Cruise Bereavement
Yes I have tried and tried, it just isn't fair
Hi WeeNanny
If you can't seem to get through and it seems to be permanent, I believe you can contact them online, so may be an idea if you cannot get through by tomorrow, you could try that, or the nearest branch to them and find out what the problem is. Although I can appreciate that you want counselling you certainly don't need the worry of not getting through, so sorry{{{hugs}}}
If by Wednesday, you haven't been able to contact them, please message me WeeNanny x
Chloe
Family and friends are grieving too. We supported each other, but would have benefited from support by a qualified and objective professional.
Hello Robbo1
I'm glad you were able to support each other as it ca be very difficult to do this as each family member has a different relationship with the loved one, which is why professional support is very helpful. I do hope you are feeling stronger.
Best wishes
Chloe
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