Did you feel anger when you lost your... - Bereavement Care ...
Please select all that apply:
When my mother died; 100%
With my Dad, only a little bit in that I had no chance to see him, say goodbye, be with him once more especially as we had been apart for so long.
With my dear friend Catharina, no, not at all. I saw her on the Sunday in the care home. I cared for her in the ways I had been, cleaning her face and hands, applying moisturiser and lip balm. Holding her as best I could. I didn't know if she knew I was there. Her body was thinner than I'd seen pictures of holocaust victims. As I left I prayed for her body to release her from this world as I feared she was in pain and couldn't bear the indignities she was having to suffer, my beautiful, elegant friend, reduced in this way. 😔
Yes and I still do. Her death was so unexpected and unnecessary and I feel she has been let down. 😢
The shock of unexpected an loss of a loved one really does make us angry and I felt the same, and you're right, the feeling that the person has been let down is such a good point @Fire1961, thank you.
I feel anger at myself, not my wonderful, beautiful, amazing mother. Since she passed away in November 2017 I haven't stopped thinking about the ways I could have been kinder to her during her life. I have so many regrets. I'm on steroids for my health issues and they make you moody, emotional, snappy and grumpy. My poor mother had the whole range of emotions thrown at her at various times, and she simply said, "don't worry, I know it's the steroids." I'm not making excuses for myself though, as even when I wasn't on steroids, my stressful job and the way I let it get on top of me, meant I was often snappy and grumpy. And now I haven't got her, the one person who could help me make sense of things.
There are SO many things I would do differently if I could turn the clock back. I would talk more to her about how she was feeling about death rather than just rush around attending to her physical needs. She once told me that I was always so busy... I said that I had to keep the house going and keep it tidy for all the visitors (doctors, district nurses, hospice nurses, family and friends) that she had, but I feel so sad that she said that to me. Looking back now that she has gone and there is this huge void in my life that I will never fill, I'm angry because I could have been a better daughter to her. I snapped at her when she couldn't hear me (she had damaged ears due to repeated, painful ear infections as a child, when there weren't antibiotics) and I'm angry with myself for that.
I'm angry with myself for not helping her walk from the car when she'd had eye drops to dilate her pupils to visualise the metastatic tumour in her eye. It was dark and she couldn't see properly. I walked ahead of her and she followed, but she missed the step and she fell backwards, hitting the back of her head on the cold, wet path. I will never get that awful image of her falling out of my mind. I ran back so fast to try and catch her, but I was too late. I'm angry with myself for neglecting her.
They say that time heals, but it never will for me, not until I'm reunited with her and I can apologise to her.
My husband was killed when an articulated lorry ran into the car he was driving. I saw this accident happen. I was in another vehicle..
I ran to him but it was obvious he had gone. I waited holding his hand and talking to him till the para medics got there.
My dear love had no reason to die nor any wish to die as he did..
So yes, a I am angry, & after 51 years we never got to say goodbye.
😢😢😢😢😢
I've just posted my message, and saw yours. I am so very sorry for your tragic loss. Of course you are angry and nothing will ever take that away. My heart just fills up with deep sadness for you.
I never got to say goodbye to my mum, but that was because I quickly popped downstairs for something only to find her breathing her last few breaths with her eyes wide open on my return. I had helped her out onto the commode and back into bed, and we had been talking together just 10 minutes earlier. I'm also angry that I hadn't realised how close to death she was and that I didn't stay with her and she died alone with her eyes open, perhaps looking for me.
You and your husband had no warning or any type of expectation that the accident would happen, and it was just such an awful thing to happen. I hope you are having support. xx
Ladybird25 The way your dear Mum died is very sad, I am worried that you feel angry towards yourself, you couldn't have known Claire, please don't torture yourself.
Chloe
I was spending the night with my mother in a senior center when she passed. I was upset to learn she passed away only after I fell asleep beside her. Nurses told me she waited until I fell sleep to leave this earth. Something similar to this happened with my good friend and her mother. She left for a few minutes and her mother was gone in those few minutes when she returned.
Charlee4 many people have told me they’ve had the same experience. I keep thinking though, how can our loved ones choose the time to go, and actually wait until we’ve left them alone? Just a few minutes previously I’d actually asked my mother if she thought she was dying and she said she didn’t know. I often wonder if I somehow put the idea into her head. I wish I’d had the sense to stay with her as she was obviously so close to going. I miss her more and more each day.
I was judging based upon the murder of my daughter... not a sickness relating to my mom, and sister's death. I was and still very anger at the person who took her life!!! There is a major difference between the two.
Of course you are, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear daughter {{{hugs}}}
Chloe
yeah how the doctor didn't diagnose cancer in my dad is a complete mystery.with my mum they didn't diagnose sepsis either.
When my mum died I was angry to begin with then with councilling helped me to realise she was now without pain and to remember the happy events we shared and it did work! I also find myself talking to her at times I now believe that if you are thinking of them they are in your heart!
I had a few sessions of counselling at my workplace but it hasn’t worked. My mum wasn’t really in much pain, but the breathlessness from her lung metastases was debilitating. My sister copes by remembering the happy times, but I just remember the progression of her cancer and feel sad that she’s no longer able to have fun doing the things she loved. My other sister just doesn’t talk about her at all.
I have to try and understand why my daughter did not tell me she had cancer some time before she was so sick. She never told me nor let my second daughter tell me or her only child that she had cancer. I did not know she had had a melanoma 5 years before.
She lived in Orange County California, I live in Florida and her son lives in NY. If I had known I could have seen her before she died. It had been about a year since I had seen her and I spoke fairly regularly to her. I began to wonder why she hadn't been home or asked me out there. We had planned to go out the morning she passed away. We had tickets and would have been on the road to the airport mere minutes before my second daughter called my husband and told him she passed. I chose not to go out there as she was being cremated and I didn't know whether that would happen before I could get there and to the hospital. I know she was a motivational speaker and always had an upbeat attitude. I know she thought she would beat it, and didn't want to worry me, but in the long run it was worse. I think I needed a choice of seeing her. So please keep that in mind if the situation ever presents itself to you or someone you love. Give them the choice! It has been a little over a year now. It is still difficult and the strangest feeling I have ever had.
How difficult and sad for you. I wonder why your daughter didn’t want you involved. I know other people who have dealt with their condition in the same way, pushing their loved ones away, but fully expecting to recover eventually. It sounds like she was a positive person and didn’t want to be pulled down into despair and didn’t want her mother to see her so ill. However, it seems she didn’t give you the choice of seeing her, when you really needed that choice.
It can happen the other way around too. My older sister only saw my mother a couple of times during her cancer journeys (she had four different primary cancers over 25 years, so at any given time was having surgery, chemo or radiotherapy). She couldn’t cope with illness so pushed my mother away. It was like she was angry with her for being ill. My sister lives in Spain, so she and her family just stayed away, even as she was nearing the end of her life. My younger sister and I wonder if we could have done more to bring them together.
So terminal illness is complicated.
Thank you so much.
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