The year is coming to an end, do you ... - Bereavement Care ...
The year is coming to an end, do you feel you are getting back to some kind of normality, whatever that means for you?
chloe40Administrator16 VotersPlease select all that apply:
Losing people you love ,changes you as a person, and it upsets me when people say have you moved on etc!! If you love someone deeply wether father, mother, sister, brother, etc. The pain of loss never dies if you truly love .
I totally understand that, you never move on, you only find some form of acceptance and that takes a very long time x Chloe
Thankyou Chloe, for understanding. It's caused a lot of anxiety and depression as my dad died in front of me. Nothing prepares you for that. No one in my family understand what I'm going through,and I don't expect them to. Kind regards
I lost both my boys within 6 months of each other
Even though it was 5 years ago and they were both grown up the pain of them not being here for Christmas is unbearable. Wherever I go I see families with children getting excited for Christmas and it brings back all the memories
I just want to hide under the duvet and not come out again
Two of my friends have both lost two adult children each. All unrelated deaths. Both couples have moved away & chosen completely different lifestyles. Both have one surviving child each. I know their Christmas’s are so different from what they used to be. I think to try & keep them the same would be too painful. Strangely or maybe not so strangely both couples have chosen an outdoor life all ot them want to be closer to nature. If hiding under the duvet helps then why not.
This year was supposed to be an “easing into” Christmas. My mum passed last year. But on the 19th my brother died. I am so broken. It’s all happening again. And I just cannot bear it. I’m so numb it’s scary.
Gosh, the initial stages of losing someone are so brutal. It’s so exhausting to get through each moment. Life becomes tiresome, but fight through it. There will come a time, where fighting won’t seem so hard anymore, and the fight is what becomes normal. Thinking of you x
That’s awful I’m so sorry to hear this.
Yes, I feel like I’m moving towards some kind of normality, but not the normality you think. This doesn’t mean you forget the pain and emptiness, but rather it becomes embedded within, so much so you no longer envision a time without it. The pain, the emptiness, and everything that grief brings with it starts to feel very familiar. And so, as you move towards day to day ‘normal’ activities, you carry a feeling that no longer feels strange anymore. It becomes a bitter sweet companion, reminding you every second of the bitter separation, but it is that pain that keeps you connected to your loved one. This is my new normality. And at some point, we all have to reinvent ourselves and make new normalities. So don’t despair when things no longer are the same, for they never will be. Make a new normal, a new you, a better you.
Thank you so much for such an honest reply Aisha12
I found your words very comforting, for me and for others, thank you x
Chloe
This all makes a lot of sense Aisha12. I’m trying to continue with my life but the pain is always with me. I guess the pain and grief are constant companions that will never leave me. Not for a moment. People expect me to be “over it” now so I don’t generally tell people how I’m feeling, although I have a close friend who understands. I don’t think I’ll ever be a “better me”, although perhaps I’m calmer now as I’m not so ambitious and motivated now. I just trudge through each day as best as I can.
If there’s one thing I’ve realised, it’s that people won’t understand unless they have experienced a loss like yours. As you said, people expect you to get over it, because they don’t associate with your loss. I have a friend as well who understands because she’s experienced something similar, but to be honest, I’ve stopped talking about it. there’s not a moment that goes by where I don’t think about my dad. while driving, in the middle of a conversation, I’m always thinking about him, and the other person has no idea. It’s become a silent struggle now, I smile for the world, but conceal my grief, because there’s nothing else I can do. This is life now, and it’s my normality now. I never realised how much it changed me positively until I looked back, and I’m sure with time you’ll see the same. Grief softens you, and you naturally start empathising and feel other people’s pain. To quote Rumi “the wound is the place where light enters you”. Allow yourself to feel pain, but let it change you positively. I still have a lot of lost days, but I won’t let this consume me and let it be for nothing. I have to bring something positive out of this. It’s the only way I see forward. This has been my grieving process so far, it works differently for everyone x
I think that one of my big problems over the past two and a half years is in trying to understand where I am 'going'. I often get into trouble with counsellors for using the word 'normal', even though there is no better word to use.
Despite the over popular quote that grief does not follow a timetable, I have subscribed to the view I was given just over a year ago, that the second year of grief is harder than the first because after all those first anniversaries it suddenly hits you that they're gone forever. My belief is that the third year can allow you to normalise.
Thanks Greyone I was told that it takes 3years to work through grief and I don't agree. No-on can say how long it takes because we are all different. One word they were right about is 'work' grief is very hard work indeed but there is no normal as far as I am concerned, which is why I said 'some kind of normality, whatever that means for you'.
Chloe
It must be difficult being a professional with such a view. It is true that our feelings and journey are unique, despite much in common. But gosh, I'm happy to help them further down the road!
I so wanted the new year to be a turning point first few weeks will decide that.if family come together then yes but if they don't I could be here next year.
They say losing a child is the most painful experience there is. I don't know that, but I do know it is painful. The power of that pain can stop one in their tracks, for a very long time. We lost our daughter when she was quite young. After a while, I discovered that the pain was always there, ready to be felt at any time. I found it to be so all consuming that my other children were suffering; their own loss, as well as mine, too.
A very wise friend reminded me that I was blessed with a very lively, loving, playful daughter, and I was hiding all the joy she brought me behind my pain. My friend helped me remember the good times, and encouraged me to tell my other children about her so they could enjoy her, too. Soon, the pain became more bearable, and now, years later, my memories are mostly of the good times and not the pain. When we moved away for retirement, we brought her with us, and the other children prepared a memorial 'service' for us. That little girl has deep ties to our family. While I'm deeply saddened by her death, she has been a true joy for us, and I'm so glad she came into our life.
Nan, if you ever need to talk your group friends are always here for you. Okay? That especially means me!
Hi there,
I was deeply touched by your reply and I'm very grateful to the friend that helped you through, sometimes we just don't see the happy memories because we are hurting too much. x
Chloe
Love walked in about 6 weeks ago. Dec 24th we moved together in Florida. My girl is normalizing me alot. She loves me fiercely and stands behind me 100%. Can't beat that!
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