Were your family brought closer toget... - Bereavement Care ...

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Were your family brought closer together because of your loss?

chloe40 profile imagechloe40Administrator26 Voters

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16 Replies
Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo

Me and my sister drifted even more apart when mum was dying we was never close anyway but I do miss my niece and nephew who have kids of their own now though they don't speak to me now cuz me and their mum don't speak? My step dad wouldn't let my sister visit my mum which I didn't agree with so I had a huge argument with him because he didn't have a right to keep her away he said if I carried on I would be out the door too and not be with my mum either so my sister thought I was in on his spite but I was far from it but it is what it is now.if you ask me she got a lucky escape cuz she didn't get to witness mum die a horrific death she didn't get to see mum suffer that's why I'm so bad with PTSD and health anxiety because of what I saw so she was spared this torment that's what happened when my mum died we completely divided

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Natsteveo

Hi Natsteveo

I'm so sorry to hear that, how awful for you. What is it about a family loss that causes so many other family arguments, it's so very sad.

It sounds as though you have been through a severe trauma and I hope you are receiving the help an support you need. {{{hugs}}} Always here for you.

Chloe

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo in reply to chloe40

Aww thanks chloe it means a lot I've not had a good life at all I was kicked in the head when I was 2 years old by my real dad.i would take punches and kicks for my mum cuz he used to beat us both so badly but back then there was no therapy or women's institutions if u rang the police they would class marital fights as domestic and donned nothing about them so we just suffered she finally got out when I was 19.she met a lovely man who adored her and treated her like a princess like she deserved to be treated.then 15 years later I lost her.been through hell ever since don't know where I'd be if I didn't have my husband and daughter.I've had a awful life but I'm not gonna have a awful future I'M A SURVIVOR!!! I have cbt therapy bereavement. PTSD counselling I'm sloyou getting there xxx

Lbk64 profile image
Lbk64 in reply to Natsteveo

I'm sorry to hear that this has happened through no fault of our own. I'm also sad that you had to witness such horror and it has affected you so deeply. I have health anxiety too and I believe it's from seeing my mum and sister dying slow horrible deaths.

I hope somewhere in the near future things can sort themselves out for you, your sister and your children.

Love and light.

Lee

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo in reply to Lbk64

Me too Lbk64

Lbk64 profile image
Lbk64

I'm from a large family. 8 out of 9 of us became closer after losing our mum but after we lost our oldest sister, the one who remained on the outskirts completely separated himself from us, moved to another country, met a new woman as he had recently divorced, remarried and has moved back here to Australia but doesn't want anything to do with any of us now. He said he would make contact with the family members that he wanted in his life but he hasn't contacted anyone in 2 years. None of us know what went wrong. His distance started when our dad died 31 years ago. He distanced himself from our mum, who without sounding or being biased, was the best mum we could have asked for. She loved us all equally and our partners and especially our children. He made out that he cared about mum but when she was dying, he kept coming up with excuses as to why he couldn't get to see her. When we were organising mum's funeral, he acted like a real jerk in front of the minister and commented that mum wasn't there for him as a child which totally shocked us all. She was there for all of us as well as looking after our father who suffered from ongoing health issues. None of us wanted to make a scene so we ignored his comment and went on without his assistance. He knew we were not happy with his little tantrum.

The saddest thing is that mum was waiting for him to come see her. She must have known she wasn't going to make it. In the end, we told her that he wasn't coming. She said that's ok. I love you all you know. Not long after that, she went in to a coma and died shortly after.

I'm sorry that was so long winded, I just had to vent. Sincerest apologies for the rant.

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo in reply to Lbk64

Don't apologize it's good too vent.sounds to me your brother is very bitter maybe the passing of your dad triggered him but he should of kept in touch with you all and your poor mum that must of been horrible to have to tell her he weren't coming.but a mum is a mum for eternity she will love her kids no matter what I can probably guarantee that he's gonna suffer for doing that and distancing himself from you all.he's just going to remain bitter for the rest of his life and that means pushing everyone who loves him away.I suppose we all grieve differently but we need our loved ones closer when we lose somebody.my sister is very bitter I wish our situation was different but unfortunately it is not.hope he wakes up soon and realises he really does need u .sorry for losses though so sad wen we lose a loved one xxx

Lbk64 profile image
Lbk64 in reply to Natsteveo

Thank you Natzsteveo,

Yes, he is the one who has to live with what he did. We have all coped ok because we have each other. He has a new family, from a different culture that doesn't even know us. His children from his first marriage hardly know us because they never got to interact with us or our families. Sad all around really.

Natsteveo profile image
Natsteveo in reply to Lbk64

That is sad cuz all that time they've missed out at least u can sleep at night knowing you were there for your mum

Buttons52 profile image
Buttons52

It makes me so very, very sad that family seems to mean nothing to some.

I lost my husband (best friend, soulmate and my world for the last 42.5 years) 10 weeks ago and we were not blessed with children so I am alone now.

I do have a sister but we were and still are not close at all She came to the funeral which was the first time I had seen her in 12 years but then posted on facebook about it and finished it by saying she would truly miss him! She didn't even know him. I still think she did it purely for the sympathy that she received and of course it made her the centre of attention too which is what she likes. I still swear blind that she came because she felt it was her "duty" and then proceeded to milk it for all it was worth.

If you have family please, please treasure it and if you have to, eat humble pie to build bridges because they are so important and remember too that we all say things at times, whether it be in the heat of the moment or the words just come out wrongly, that we do not mean and we wish, oh how we wish, we could turn the clock back and not say them.

Don't finish up like me, adrift, lost, alone and lonely and trying to come to terms with life now by myself and no, I do not want your sympathy but the understanding of our "friends" would help enormously but they too, are keeping their distance.

Lbk64 profile image
Lbk64 in reply to Buttons52

Sending you strength and guidance Buttons. In whatever form that comes.

Love and light.

Lee

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator in reply to Buttons52

Hello Buttons52

I think you're absolutely right. So many of us have 'fallen out' with our siblings and relatives and the years just drift on without a word said between them. I have a similar problem as yourself and your post has touched a nerve with me.

We're always here for you Buttons {{{hugs}}}

Chloe

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator

Hi Lbk64

Please don't ever apologise, that what we're hear for. Your brother's behaviour must have been very upsetting for you all but your Mum did what Mothers do and protected him by saying 'She loved you all' that's a very brave lady!

Do you think that maybe in your brothers mind, he was very angry when hid Dad died and blamed your Mum? it does happen.

Whatever the reason, it's still sad and please do vent anytime.

Chloe

Lbk64 profile image
Lbk64 in reply to chloe40

Thank you again Chloe. None of us know why he changed. Whenever anyone tried to talk to him about things he would tell us we were imagining things.

We will never know I guess. :/

gemmagusjessmika profile image
gemmagusjessmika

I cared for mum, without assistance from the rest of the family. They selfishly wanted her to die. After three years, she went into hospital with a chest infection. I requested an NG tube and the consultant agreed. Sadly the following day my sisters and brother spoke to the consultant and insisted the tube be removed. 6 weeks later mum died of starvation in hospital. The family cut me off and I will never forgive them for what they put her through.

The hospital were forced to take the side of the larger part of the family and although I had power of attorney, it meant nothing!

chloe40 profile image
chloe40Administrator

Hello gemmagusjessmika

That was an awful way to treat you and your Mum and I totally understand that you find this unforgiveable. You have not only been left with the pain and sadness of losing your Mum, you're carrying the burden of anger and frustration which I know, just gnaws away at you and I am so sorry, I really am.

I find it increasingly difficult to understand the actions of our closest relatives, the very people who should be by our side, offering strength and support. Take care.

Chloe