As a result of shocking things happening to me, having quite horrific symptoms and unmanageable pain for years as well as pain drugs, I found that I used a mechanism to psychologically detach myself from the situation until the pain passes as there is not a lot I can do when it is bad except accept it and not fight it. It is a good temporary measure to get around physical pain or nausea. However as I have been in quite severe pain for a long time, I am finding myself just coping, going through the motions, and I wondered if anyone else has had a kind of PTS following Behcet's episodes or treatment? And whether they feel as if they are depersonalised but not dissociated because of it?
It is a struggle to be totally 100% present in the middle of it all, have this for nearly 20 yrs, and still remember who you are supposed to be after so long. I had a bit of a freak out today when i realised that the way I define myself in my head (sign language interpreter/knitwear designer, someone who travels and was extremely sociable) and what I do, in terms of jobs or pasttimes after BD etc I have not actually felt 'like me' for years, and the BD has my personality sitting on hold, because the things that define me (being able to create music, artwork or crafts, social activities and choice of friends etc) are not possible to do when in pain as I am just riding out the flare, hoping it won't last years.
I did have to redefine myself some years back, got used to it being at that level but now its worse find it harder to keep finding out who I really am and what I do now. It is like I have been 'off work' with flu, and not really socialising, waiting for the symptoms to abate but obviously this is no 2 week thing and as the symptoms do not go, this limbo state has become a 'me' that I do not recognise, and do not really want to accept as it is below mine and everyone who knows me expectations of what I should be doing...
Does anyone else know what I am rambling about? I feel I am explaining it badly.
This is definitely not a form of depression, but is a separate detached sort of feeling.
At the moment have two bad hands, and one and a half bad feet and cannot walk properly or leave the house....so life is a bit odd.