Aggressive Autistic Brother

[Yorkshiretea97]

Hi everyone,

So I live away from home and went to see my parents yesterday. We have been working on building our relationship back up ever since I came out as bisexual to them 2 years ago. Things have been going well, they've met my girlfriend and invite her to family meals. It's her birthday in a couple of weeks, and this is the first time they went out to get her a present which meant a hell of a lot to me. My mum went to go and get it so I could bring it home to my girlfriend yesterday and we noticed immediately that the card had been stabbed with something and it was bent. The present was a cute little pair of earrings which we then opened as they looked a little off, and they were completely broke. It looked like they had been smashed/stood on.

My brother came home and we confronted him about it because he was the only other person except my mum to know where the present was. He completely denied it, and then tripped himself up and admitted he did it. The thing is, my brother really gets on well with my girlfriend, to the point where we go out for coffee and he comes over for games night. I've always been close with him because a) we are very close in age and b) he's autistic and I've always tried to look out for him. The reason he destroyed this present was because he gets so so angry, and extremely jealous of me. He has always had some jealously of me, and I've spent my life downplaying my achievements to not make him feel bad. He wants friends but struggles with this and really wants a partner. In his eyes, he sees everything he wishes he has and he hates me for it, even though I know he loves me. I understand his autism, and that we inevitably think different and deal with things in different ways, but this incident was horrible.

After we confronted him he got even more angry and went out to my parents garage and grabbed a hammer, intending I think to go and smash one of my parent's cars (or mine). My dad rushed outside to go and stop him and my brother ended up tackling my dad because he wouldn't stop. He ended up pushing my 62 year old dad to the floor with him (with the hammer still in hand). I had to run outside to try and break them apart and get the hammer out of reach. Luckily no one was hurt, but it was so traumatic to watch these events unfold and now I keep replaying them in my head. He needs help, because this is just too much for any of us but I don't know where to go from here. He's hit me before when he's been angry and I hate that I still fear the possibility that he will do it again. I barely slept last night and I haven't seen my brother since it happened because I cried in my old bedroom and left. I feel like I'm over-dramatising this in my mind but it was awful, he really could have hurt my parents.

I just don't know where to go to find him some help. He sees a therapist biweekly but he's only getting worse. I'm thinking if he keeps being dangerous like this he needs some proper care.

[Bee-bop]

Hi there,

Are you in the UK? The Autistic Society, MIND, The Samaritans can maybe help you in finding a solution and/or give you a space to discuss how you feel about what is going on with your brother. There is also Gateway to Care, which offers support to families that need additional services. I would talk to your parents about any calls you may want to make as things can escalate quickly if mental health is mentioned.

Your brother's meltdown sounds scary for you all and I wonder how your brother deals with these events afterwards? In my own case, my daughter tends to only be violent towards herself and her own things. Afterwards she is extremely sorry and apologises but when overwhelmed, there is no point trying to discuss things most of the time. I am guessing that your brother felt backed into a corner about the birthday things and then started to go into fight/flight/freeze mode which led to picking up the hammer and then reacting to dad. Can you now ask more calmly about it? Yes, you don't want property destroyed so I wonder if this can be a wake up call so that he doesn't do this again or there is less opportunity. Maybe mum puts things somewhere he isn't aware of next time. Maybe the tools can be locked in a box. Something has led to him trying to destroy this, Maybe it is as you say a type of jealousy that he hasn't got someone in his life and he acted out or was there an argument with mum and dad about something else that made him want to break something? Or an incident with you/your girlfriend? or even something outside the family that has distressed him?

How are you feeling now? Are you able to forgive his actions? Are you still hurt from the behaviour or even still traumatised by it? You seem to want things to be ok between you and were close and I wonder if you can talk with him about your feelings. Having your brother around at yours and games night sounds a lovely way to include him in your life. I hope that things have settled now for you all.