Depression and Fluffy - again.

Hi everyone.

I know I haven't posted for a while and I've missed all my old friends here at Asthma UK but I've been in such a mess and I don't know what to do.

My marriage has ended and I'm alone for the first time in a long time. I'm not coping very well and the stress has made my asthma worse than ever and I seem to spend my time between coughing and crying with nothing in between. I'm so unhappy and have been for weeks.

I feel like ending it all. I've been under the care of my truly fantastic GP but I'm not getting anywhere. All the awful experiences of my life have come back to haunt me lately and I just can't cope.

I was in an abusive relationship before I got married and thought I was over it but now I'm on my own again I keep going over in my head all the beatings and sexual abuse I suffered and maybe I deserved it. I keep thinking I'm an awful horrible person and I can't seem to pull myself out of it. I'm back on the anti-depressants but they don't seem to be helping. I want to sleep all the time but my asthma stops me lying down. I'm trying hard not to show how I feel to my family and friends and seem to be feeling very sensitive about everything these days. if someone says they'll phone and they don't do it exactly when they say they will I feel like they don't care. I know I'm being irrational but I feel so alone and that I don't want to go on.

I'm so sorry to go on like this but I don't know what to do.

Much love, Fluffy. x

[Hidden]

Hi Fluffy,

Been so missing your wee cheeky comments about my wigs - LOL

Here ...catch my Minnie Mouse cyber wig, stick it on yer heed becuse its certain to produce a wee cheeky grin on a rather bleak day.

Its much too dark over here - get yourself over to camping, your tent is still pitched where you left it. Your guy ropes need a bit of attention but am sure many of the regular campers will be more than happy to help you staighten things oot. Things are so much brighter around friends

Welcome back and take hair.

Derek

[Hidden]

Thanks Deek.

I only wish it were that simple. Oh, ignore me, I'm just a miserable bugger but I've had about as much as I can take and really am at the end of it all.

x x

[Hidden]

Hi fluffy,

welcome back to the boards, i am sorry that things are not going well for you. But as Deek says you are among friends here.

Don't try and put the ""happy face"" on in front of your friends and family all the time, I am sure that they would want to know how you are really feeling. Plus it is exhausting trying to maintain that happy face while you are feeling so low and with your asthma playing up.

I understand a lot of wot you are going through, if you want to pm me please feel free. Don't give up please.

love and huge huggles

rusty

[Hidden]

Oh Fluffy,

I am so, so sorry tohear that things are so tough for you and wish that I could wave a wand for you and making it all better.

I know that it might be hard to believe this but non of it is your fault. Honest.

Big, big hugs Fluffy and I really hope that things get better but take one day at time. I so sorry if this sounds patronising

Wanda

[Hidden]

Hey fluffy

please dont feel as though you are alone, were all here to lend a shoulder.

I have been through similar experience too and it WILL get easier even if it dont feel like that now.

Sending you a huge pair of arms to wrap around you.

You know where we are if you need us.

Loads a luv

Kymiii

[yaf_user681_26410]

Hi Fluffy,

Sorry you're having such an awful time and feeling so depressed. No-one deserves to be abused, whether physical or verbal. A marriage break-up in away is a bereavement and you will need to go through all the normal processes of grieving. You don't need to feel guilty about feeling in such a mess, it is probably quite natural. Keep messaging on the board, the more you do it the more you can release those scary emotions. It's amazing what writing things down can do. We will try to help you all we can. Your friends not phoning when they say they will is probably becuase they don't know what to say and so are scared to say anything at all. It doesn't make it any easier to bear I know, but try not to cut yourself off from them completely because they have let you down, they will gradually get to realise that all you want is for them to be there for you and they don't need to say anything. Hope you start to pick up soon.

Love and hugs (imaginary hugs only I'm afraid)

Ange xx

[Hidden]

Hi Fluffy,

I'm so so sorry to hear you're feeling so down, it sounds like you've had a really tough time over the last few months. It would be surprising if you weren't feeling low after everything you've been through.

Please please speak to a trained professional like a counsellor about how you are feeling - it can be so much help. Your GP should hopefully be able to set you up with something. Don't give up on the antidepressants - they can take a while to kick in and there are lots of different types so if one type doesn't help you might need a change. Talk, talk, talk, to us, to a professional, to anyone who will listen. Don't try and put on a good face to friends and family - chances are they won't be fooled anyway and would much rather you were honest with them. If there is no-one else around and those feelings get overwhelming then call the Samaritans.

Look after yourself physically and nuture yourself. I know the temptation is to let everything slide including a proper diet, asthma meds etc, but feeling worse physically will make you feel worse mentally and the whole thing becomes a vicious circle. Try to be kind to yourself, set yourself little, achievable goals each day and give yourself treats.

You will get through this, I know it seems impossible and like there is no way out at the moment but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Thinking of you

Em H

[Hidden]

Hi Fluffy

So sorry to hear you are feeling so low. I am glad you have come back to the board - there are plenty people here who have survived nasty depression and can understand a little what you are going through - me included.

As Emily says, there are many antidepressants to try, and you need to be on them for at least a month before you get much response - if you have been on it longer than that and are getting nowhere, it may be time to think of another one- different antidepressants suit different people. Have you spoken to a psychologist or counsellor at all - sometimes that can be really helpful especially if you are finding it hard to talk to those close to you. Remember that the Samaritans are there 24/7 if you need to talk - they also do an email service now so if you are puffy you may find it easier. If you feel you aren't getting anywhere with your GP it may be time for a referral to a psychiatrist - they have a huge amount of experience in getting the right antidepresssants for people.

It sounds like you have had some nasty experiences over the years. No matter how hard it is to believe when you are feeling like this, abuse is NEVER the victim's fault.

I know you will find this hard to believe, but you aren't a horrible or awful person, you are a valued friend and someone who has been missed on the asthma uk messageboards. Try to hang onto the comments from friends - the thoughts you are having are the depression talking, they are not true.

Your comment that you are feeling at the end of it all worries me a little - if you are thinking about taking any action on this please, please speak to someone - your GP, a friend, someone you can trust. It WILL get better, in time, so please don't let this horrible illness get to you that much. If you are feeling that you may harm yourself, is there someone you could stay with where you would feel safer? If friends realise how hard life is just now I'm sure they would be more than willing to have you stay for a wee while.

I have been through a spell when life did not seem worth living. I am proof that it can get better. We are here to help. If you would like to chat please pm me.

Love, hugs and prayers,

sarah

[Hidden]

Fluffy,

I'm sorry to hear about your marriage break up and your past problems resurfacing. Its made even more difficult when your asthma gets worse with the stress isn't it?

I would definately seek out some proffessional support to help you through this difficult time. Try other places apart from your GP there might be shorter waiting lists.

You say you feel like ending it all, do you have a plan about how you will keep yourself safe at these times? Its difficult when you feel that way to have a clear head about what to do. At a time when you are not feeling so down come up with a plan of how to look after yourself. You might want to get a friend to support you to do this. Write down names and numbers of people you can ring, including friends, helplines, writing on here and don't forget that there is always A & E for support too. Also write down nice things that you can do to look after yourself. I get a hot water bottle, put on a bit of cheery music (even tif I don't feel like it), have a bath. anything that works for you. It will help prompt you when your head isn't feeling so clear.

Keeping a journal either written or drawing tends to help some people as well as writing letters (that you don't necessarily intend to send)

As others have said don't give up on the anti-depressants, if you have been on them a while take a different type. At work, I work with young people who have mental health problems, we sometimes suggest alternative stuff like St John's wort and 5HTP. I've used 5 HTP myself when I've had trouble coping with all the stresses life throws at me. It really helped.

By the messages of support you are obviously a very valued member of this community which is a very important thing to keep in mind.

((((hugs)))))

Beth

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry everyone. I know it's late and everyone is asleep and I know I'm going to depress the hell out of everyone when they read this but I'm getting really scared. I'm so upset all the time and I can't stop crying. I feel like I really want to hurt myself and end it all. I feel so let down and that i can't cope with things that should be simple. I keep being hurt by the disasterous relationships in my life and I can't get anything right. I'm so fat and ugly and useless and I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything hurts and I'm so so unhappy.

I don't know what to do to make it stop. Please help me. I'm really scared.

xxx

[Hidden]

BIG HUGS

No one is useless, this is a rection feeling you are feeling due to the way you have been programed over the years by them who should have been supporting you, no wonder you feel let down. Lean on your gp if there helping but you have to realise it wont come quick, because of your heartaches it will take timetoo heal, andyou have the added stress of bad asthma to contend with on top of that,If you need to see your gp daily then do so, thats what hes there for, has he arranged councelling or a psychiatrist? you need to talk things through aswell as the antidepressents, and unfortunately they take 6 to 8 weeks to kick in so e need to find you some alternative support in the meantime. Please dont do anything, please dont shut your family out there tere to help, weseem to shut out the peeps who can help us the most.

If your having these thoughts regularly you need to be seen sooner rearher than later, you can alawya go to and a and e and fast track to a psychiatric nurse. Please phone the samaritans they can then put you in touch with various other people that can help. And feel free to moan on here that what were here for, support.

Youve had a bad time and with the right support can get through it and show them that hurt you that they can try all they want but they wont break you, prove to them that you can survive and that will be the greatest atcheivement of all

Love and prayers

Andrea xxxxxxxx