I wrote a letter to my family recently and I have decided to post it here, I have edited it a little to remove some names etc and make it more open.
I am still me.
I still have the same sense of humour, and that wicked sense of fun, I still love life I just get pleasure from different things these days. I still get lots of fun from being with family and friends, but you donâ€™t have to wrap me cotton wool. I am a bit slower and things take a little more planning. I have asthma, asthma does not have me. I may not run the party these days I may not even be the life of it but I can and will be the soul.
I know I have been very ill over the past couple years and I guess I have scared you all. It scared me but it made me realise how precious life is, and how much more I want to do. I am so lucky I have skied on Christmas day, I have SCUBA dived in beautiful Mediterranean waters and I have spent days out just rambling on the moors, I canâ€™t do those things now and the odds are I never will but at least I have done them.
I am not going to be down hearted about the things I canâ€™t do, in honesty there is little that with a bit of planning I canâ€™t achieve. I want to be able to go out shopping with my daughter, I want to take my kids to watch football. I want to visit grandad as often as I can and hopefully he can teach me to become a better bridge player. I want to lunch with my Mum and my aunt, I want to see my children do well at school and I want to be a granny (in many years time). I want to be old enough for my knickers to fall down in the queue and Tesco and not to be embarrassed. These are smaller goals in the grand scheme of things but they are no less the important, in fact they are probably more important, all achievable with some forward planning, taking it steady and looking after myself.
I know my limits (mostly), I may be bad at admitting them to others and I need to learn ask for help more and when things are too much I need to be better at saying enough. I am learning that and you need to be patient with me whilst I learn and re-learn my limits.
And whilst I learn there will be mainly good and happy times there will be odd sad time, the odd time I will mourn for the life I had that is natural you can't take so much without there being the odd time when I miss my old life. But I promise that there will be no regrets and no bitterness it simply is not in me and anyway if I do that if I hide from the world, stop reaching for my goals, stop trying then I will have let this beat me. I was not beaten by my 1st red ski run, I was not beaten by faulty regulator when SCUBA diving and no Tor on Dartmoor has beaten me so I am damned if asthma will.