Asthma UK community forum
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Im sorry to moan but i need some advice.

I recently posted in camping2 about the difficulties i was having with my mother not understanding the severity of my asthma and me bein ill is a personal attack to make HER life a misery, how she was so tired all the time and she was worse off than anyone even though im the one who cant breathe and is fighting for my life every few weeks and how it affects my children who are 7 and 4, well she went to see her GP with a sob story and made me out to be really selfish and demanding of her which im not(i dont think so anyway).

She also said that she wanted outside help because when im in costa, she has my children 24/7. Well firstly my kids are at school all day, secondly they have their tea and then she brings them up to see me where she sits at the bottom of my bed looking so flippin miserable and doesn't do anything with them as they sit and watch telly or cuddle and talk to me . Funny 24/7!! But she wants to get their dad involved more - he has them every sunday - but i have a court order to say he is not allowed to see the kids other than his allocated day and he is not allowed to their school when they are there and the school are not allowed to release the kids to him even if he did turn up. He is a nasty piece of work with constant threats to take me to court for custody(although that has not been so much recently) but if he thinks he can get me back in court then this is a card he will play and my mum is going to play right into his hands and i could lose my kids.

But the thing that annoyed me most is that i went to see my con this aft and she told me that my mum had written to her with the same sob story. Luckily my con was not really that interested and said that me and my health were her concern not my mother and was not too impressed that she had written at all.

She reluctantly sent me home as she wanted to admit me as i am wheezing and PF not good but due to the letter she was willing to see me again at the end of the week and see if there is any improvement if not i will be admitted.

When i confronted my mum about it saying she had no right to do that she said that she had every right as she was my carer. She is not my carer. I live on my own with my children and i do everything for them. The only thing she did was look after them when i was in costa and drive me to school so i could take them and pick them up and occasionally take me to town (when it suited her). Im now driving my own car and have done everything for my kids in the last week but she is still not happy and is so tired and lets everyone know how she feels.

Dont get me wrong - i appreciate her looking after my kids for me but she is out of order for doing this behind my back. I know she needs a break and my eldest daughter who is 18 today!! helps out and looks after them sometimes and they also see their dad every sunday so she has a break then but she wont sit down and relax and then i get the blame for her being tired.

I now feel i cant go to costa even if i need to as she has made it very clear we are a burden on her and even my con doesn't want to put any more pressure on me.

I feel totally betrayed by the one person who i should be turning to in this situation and i dont know how to cope. Im so frightened of getting admitted now that i feel like my mum has put my life in danger.

Im so sorry to moan like this as i know everyone else has their own probs but please if anyone can give me any advice because im absolutly heartbroken and dont know what to do.


4 Replies

Hi Kym,

Sorry about your problems with mother. I don't really know the answer but did wonder if your children's friends might be willing to help out a little bit so that when you are caustal your mum doesn't have to have them all evening as well as all night and take them to school.

I can sympathise a little bit because my m-in-law has been the same with my nieces at times although things have improved there as they are getting a little older.

I too have allergic brittle asthma but it isn't so severe as yours. So far have managed to stay out of caustal but i know if the time comes for a hospital admission I have several friends who are willing to help out. I also have the advantage of a very helpful husband who works from home but is away quite a bit in term time, but not at night. I also have a teenager still at home not young children.

Hope you can see a light at the end of the tunnel soon.



Hi Kym

There's help out there if you are prepared to accept it.

I've just had to give in and admit that i need help with the kids as my mum's health has been bad. If your mum feels she can't manage regardless of what's actually happening that's her perception and she's not going to see your point of view especially while she's under stress.It's actually easier to take all the help offered and then prove you don't need it anymore if you see what i mean.

Is your 4 yr old at school? There is an organisation called homestart who provide volenteers for a few hours a week to families with a child under 5. You can contact them through your health visitor.

Every primary school has i school nurse linked to them and they can give you all sorts of info about young carers association for your 7 yr old and 18 yr old as well as practical support.

Theres also some disabled parent networks who help each other out. All of these i was pointed to by the school nurse system but the downside is you have to admit you need them.

As an absolute total last resort there is social services who don't despite the belief swoop in and take children and actually can be quite helpful!

They can find emergency overnight placements if you get rushed into costa and noone can have them and they still go to the same school etc after all it's only temporary noone is saying your a bad parent just ill.

It's just admitting to yourself that you need them and that your health will be impacting on your kids and how you can minimise that. In the end i just said yes to every referral they suggested on the basis that i would either be better by the time help was available and in the knowledge that once you know what you can be offered you can always say no. This seemed to calm everyone and everything down.

I'm sorry to be so blunt but If you need to go to costa you have to go regardless of what happens with your mum and kids after all you're no good to your kids if your dead.

Take care



Thanks for the advice guys.

I have been alocated a case worker by my con and i am meeting her today. She sounded really nice when i sopke to her on the phone and she is a health worker with social services background but with older people. She will talk to me and find out what i can do and what help i can get.



If your 4 year old isn't in school why not get in touch with your health visitor. They should have access to all local support agencies that can help you all. I happen to work with them so I know what they can do or are supposed to.



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