just needed to talk!

im sorry about this post im just feeling miserable. As some are aware ive not paid my mortgage for nearly 8 months now and the bank have up to now been very patient. Not so anymore they want their money and to be honest i dont blame them but im now £2200 overdrawn and getting charged £50 everytime any bill is paid which is on average another £200 each month. Im nowhere near well enough to normally and rationally contemplate going back to work but my survival instinct is screaming at me to go back. I know the situation at work my boss is a bully and it wont take long before the stress yet again makes my asthma spiral out of control.

I feel so proud of myself for coming this far after all the hurdles of this year and my 4 near death experiences which although i outwardly joke about really have left deep emotional scars! Im supposed to be really cheery at the moment im due to be an aunt really soon any day really but all i want to do is hide! I feel im letting everybody down and more importantly im ashamed that my grandma is looking down on me in disappointment as my life has just gone on a cascade to nothingness this year! I was hoping 2009 would bring good things and was hoping for my long overdue agenda for change backpay i was told today it may not be paid to me till march! I feel this maybe too late to save my house if i dont return to work. Ive tried everyone dial uk sheffield advice centre cab and even happy pills but believe me i have no idea what to do next! Please someone tell me there is something i can do to preserve my dignity! Ive borrowed money from friends i have no pride left and now cant sleep..... Grr! May see if samaritans can offer some help or just sit and listen to me cry!! sorry guys im having a rough deal with this countries benefits system and really dont want to go back to work unfit it'll only end one way and i dont want to let them down again!! Please please any helpful advice peeps! Sorry for chewing your ears off i just feel rubbish and desparately wanted to make my family proud not make them disappointed in me!

Thanks a miserable and unconsolable kitkat Xxx

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Hi Kat

Your post made me feel so sad, im so sorry that you are going through this and alone, I am here if you need me and you know im close by and would do what I could, please hold on, you are a very strong person as I have seen that in your posts and offering me support when you were also suffering.

Please do ring the samaritans as an ex-worker I know they would be supportive day or night and sometimes it helps to have someone un-connected just to have listen to you and allow you to cry and feel for yourself.

You need to remember you in all of this, you are the one that has survived and you will from somewhere find the strength the fight this and find a solution just dont stop beleiving in yourself.

Take care and pm me if you need me

Luv

Snowy xx

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Hi snowy

thankyou for your message and thankyou ratty for your PM, your both lovely! did speak to samaritans, ....well i say speak it was more crying but it did give me chance to think etc.... still feel i could do with a magic wand or a lottery win (even tho i dont do it lol)!!! think with the amount of annual leave i have to use by april i could ask HR (if they're willing to) to pay me even tho im not there as i'll be taking holiday for 6weeks and attempt to get myself fit for a 3 half days per week at first phased return????!!!! What do you guys think - is it unreasonable to ask this or not??? also going to ask them to let me sit down whereever possible and NOT do the ward rounds or saturday morning working till im properly fit - which i think is reasonable adjustments - is this reasonable do you think i do work in a very busy department at hospital????

thanks for your support

A slightly less fraught kitkat Xxxx

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just needed to talk

Hi Kitkat

I was so sorry to see your message, but your last post sounded more positive which was good. I'm glad you manged to speak to the Samaritans, you should always remember however low you feel there is always somebody to talk too. Also although you may not think it you are a very precious person and you have obviously had a really tough time not just with work, finance but your near death experiences and you have come through the other side.

I think your proposal for phased return sounds really reasonable- hopefully you have a good occ. health dept.when I went back to work last time on a phased return it was v.slow over 6 weeks and my work restrictions were huge(imposed by occ.health and supported by my boss) I was really surprised and I had to have regular reviews with them, so hopefully they will be supportive to you. I don't know if you've already done this but maybe showing your work colleagues an article about living with difficult asthma (it's on Asthma Uk website) may help them realise slightly what it's like to live with- as we both know although we both work in the medical profession v. few medical people have a clue what it's like to live with....it's a tricky one as you don't want to shove it in their face either!!

I hope you feel a bit more positive and get something sorted out and that you feel better but don't push it and end up in hospital again. take care

Love Fix

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Hi KitKat, Im so sorry for your situation I think a lot of us who use this forum understand but without boring you we have been in a similar situation. I didnt want to claim DLA as I was going to get BETTER! When I decided to claim we were £2000 pounds overdrawn we managed to stop our mortgage for 12 months which obviously helped but my husbands suggested trying Martin Laurences website at moneyexpert.com, best of luck you dont need this worry, I think we are all feeling for you at this time best of luck, Suzy