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Dieting Under Stress (joke)

Dieting Under Stress

This diet is designed to help you cope with the stress that builds up during the day.


½ Grapefruit, 1 slice wholemeal toast, 3oz skimmed milk.


4oz lean boiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach,

1 cup of herbal tea, 1 chocolate chip cookie.

Mid-afternoon snack

Rest of cookies in packet, 2 pints chocolate chip ice-cream,

1 jar hot fudge sauce with nuts, cherries and fresh cream.


2 loaves garlic bread with cheese, 1 large sausage pizza,

4 cans or party pack lager, 3 snickers or mars bars.

Late-evening snack

Entire frozen Black Forest Gateau,

(eaten directly from freezer).


1.If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2.If you drink a Diet Coke with a Mars Bar, the calories of the Mars Bar are cancelled out by the Diet Coke

3.When you eat with someone else, the calories don’t count, if you don’t eat more than they do.

4.Food used for medicinal purposes never counts – such as Hot Chocolate, Brandy, Toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5.If you fatten up everyone else around you, you look thinner.

6.Broken biscuits contain no calories, the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

7.Things licked off knives & teaspoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something eg jam on a knife making a sandwich and ice cream on a spoon making a sundae.

8.Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories eg spinach & pistachio ice cream – mushrooms & white chocolate.

9.Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel – such as milkshakes, buttered popcorn, Murray Mints, bubblegum and Mars Bars.

N.B. Chocolate is a universal food colour and may be substituted for any other fod colour.


8 Replies

Haha love it!! Made me chuckle this!! Xx


Love this!

I'm going to make number 5 my goal..... ;-)


I like this it.


I love this! My hubbie is already getting fatter so that's ok.

Xx lisa


hehe love this! Don't forget:

*Food eaten off someone else's plate has no calories.

*Food eaten on your birthday or Christmas Day has no calories.

*Any meal with lettuce in it has no calories.

*Food eaten standing up has no calories.

*Cake/brownie mix has no calories, because it's not cake yet.

*Ice cream has no calories, because you expend all the calories it contains warming it up in your body.

*Fairtrade food has no calories - it's your duty to eat it and support farmers in the developing world ;)


Thank you Jinglfairy! That helps to explain the reasoning behind my chocolate intake at 3am!!!! Maybe finish off the toffee pecan ice cream tonight if I am all alone as usual in the wee dark hours.


I absolutely love this it's cheered me up! Thank you :) x


What? No deep fried Freddo Bars?


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