LEASH:
A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you
to lead your person where you want him/her to go.
DOG BED:
Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread
in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in
the living room.
DROOL:
Is what you do when your persons have food and you
don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you
can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or
better yet, on their laps.
SNIFF:
A social custom to use when you greet other dogs.
Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's
rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until
your person makes you stop. This can also be done to
human's crotches.
GARBAGE CAN:
A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs
and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right
you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef
bones to consume and mouldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES:
Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to
control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you
must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly
and run alongside for a few yards; the person then
swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance
away.
DEAFNESS:
This is a malady which affects dogs when their person
want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms
include staring blankly at the person, then running in
the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER:
This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms,
so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling
uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and
following at their heels.
WASTE BASKET:
This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old
candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the
basket and strew the papers all over the house until
your person comes home.
SOFAS:
Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating
it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa
and wipe your whiskers clean.
BATH:
This is a process by which the humans drench the floor,
walls and themselves. You can help by shaking
vigorously and frequently.
BUMP:
The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP:
A manoeuvre to use as a last resort when the Regular
Bump doesn't get the attention you require.....
especially effective when combined with The Sniff.
See above.
LOVE:
Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without
restriction. The best way you can show your love is to
wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in
return. If not, you can always sniff their crotches.
