Quiz show answers - warning have nebs/puffer on stand by

I laughed myself into an asthma attack over these!


Bamber Gascoigne: What was Ghandi's first name?

Contestant: Goosey, Goosey?


Anne Robinson: In traffic, what ""J"" is where two roads meet?

Contestant: Jool carriageway.

Anne Robinson: Which Italian city is overlooked by Vesuvius?

Contestant: Bombay.

Anne Robinson: What insect is commonly found hovering above lakes?

Contestant: Crocodiles.

Anne Robinson: Wh...?

Contestant (interrupting): Pass!

Anne Robinson: In olden times, what were minstrels, travelling entertainers or chocolate salesmen?

Contestant: Chocolate salesmen.

Anne Robinson: The Bible, the New Testament. The Four Gospels were written by Matthew, Mark, Luke and...?

Contestant: (long pause) Joe?

Anne Robinson: Who was a famous Indian leader, whose name begins with G, revered by millions, who was assassinated and received a state funeral?

Contestant: Geronimo!


Eamonn Holmes: What's the name of the playwright commonly known by the initials G.B.S.?

Contestant: William Shakespeare.


Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna?

Caller: Japan.

Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.

Caller: Er... Mexico?


1) Something a blind man might use? - A Sword

2) A song with the word Moon in the title? - Blue Suede Moon

3) Name the capital of France? - F

4) Name a bird with a long Neck? - Naomi Campbell

5) Name an occupation where you might need a torch? - A burglar

6) Where is the Taj Mahal? - Opposite the Dental Hospital

7) What is Hitler's first name? - Heil

Cool A famous Scotsman? - Jock

9) Some famous brothers? - Bonnie and Clyde.

10) A dangerous race? - The Arabs

11) Something that floats in a bath? - Water

12) An item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers? - A horse

13) Something you wear on a beach? - A deckchair

14) A famous Royal? - Mail

15) Something that flies that doesn't have an engine? - A bicycle with wings

16) A famous bridge? - The Bridge Over Troubled Waters

17) Something a cat does? - Goes to the toilet

1Cool Something you do in the bathroom? - Decorate

19) A method of securing your home? - Put the kettle on

20) Something associated with pigs? - The Police

21) A sign of the Zodiac? - April

22) Something people might be allergic to? - Skiing

23) Something you do before you go to bed? - Sleep

24) Something you put on walls? - A roof

25) Something slippery? - A conman

26) A kind of ache? - A fillet of fish

27) A jacket potato topping? - Jam

2Cool A food that can be brown or white? - A potato

29) Something sold by gypsies? - Bananas

30) Something red? - My sweater


Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?

Contestant: Barcelona.

Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.

Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.


Wright: On which continent would you find the River Danube?

Contestant: India.

Wright: What is the Italian word for motorway?

Contestant: Espresso.

Wright: What is the capital of Australia? And it's not Sydney.

Contestant: Sydney.


Judy Finnegan: The American TV show 'The Sopranos' is about opera. True or false?

Contestant: True?

Judy Finnegan: No, actually, it's about the Mafia. But it is an American TV show,so I'll give you that.


Paul Wappat: How long did the Six Day War between Egypt and Israel last?

Contestant (after long pause): Fourteen days.


Presenter: Bob Hope was the fifth of how many sons?

Contestant: Four


Wood: What ""K"" could be described as the Islamic Bible?

Contestant: Er...

Wood: It's got two syllables... Kor...

Contestant: Blimey?

Wood: Ha ha ha ha no. The past participle of run...

Contestant: (Silence)

Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I...

Contestant: Walked?


Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?

Contestant: Holland?

Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.

Contestant: Iceland? Ireland?

Daryl Denham (helpfully): It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?

Contestant: No.

15 Replies

  • Bex LOL LOL! these are hilarious!!

  • Some funnies from Kate!!!

    Inhalers & Nebs at the ready!


    A list of actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

    1) ""Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologize for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home,

    unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the

    Westbound and go in the opposite direction.""

    2) ""Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome: not knowing his

    elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any.""

    3) ""Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit

    the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and

    East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination.""

    4) ""Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are

    therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together.

    All together now.... 'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'.""

    5) ""We are now travelling through Baker Street... As you can see, Baker Street is closed. It would have been

    nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that"".

    6) ""Beggars are operating on this train. Please do NOT encourage these professional beggars.

    If you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity. Failing that, give it to me.""

    7) During an extremely hot rush hour on the Central Line, the driver announced in a West Indian drawl:

    ""Step right this way for the sauna, ladies and gentleman... unfortunately, towels are not provided.""

    8) ""Let the passengers off the train FIRST!"" (Pause .) ""Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines,

    see if I care - I'm going home....""

    9) ""Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open.'

    The two are distinct and separate instructions.""

    10) ""Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close.

    It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors.""

    11) ""We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door.""

    12) ""To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to get on the second carriage - what part of

    'stand clear of the doors' don't you understand?""

    13) ""Please move all baggage away from the doors."" (Pause..) ""Please move ALL belongings away from the doors.""

    (Pause...) ""This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train:

    Put the pie down, Four-eyes, and move your bl**dy golf clubs away from the door before I come down there

    and shove them up your a**e sideways!""

    14) ""May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground.

    However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage.

  • Nice one!!!

    Where do u guys get these things?!?!

    Am glad u put up warnings first as they were much needed

    Keep it up :)

  • LOL! Brilliant! Really funny! Cheered me up a lot! LOL

  • lol so funny where do you get them from!!

    certainly cheered me up and make me laugh



  • These are sooo funni. Ive not laughed so much in ages and my chest did NOT like it one bit!!!!!.

    Where u get them from?

    More plz!!

  • Hiya

    hehehehehehe!! They are grat so funny cheered me up no end

    Thank-you very much for a much needed laugh

    Giggles xx

  • Oh my god!! im whooping like a hyena but i love it!!i wish i could have been on the underground when those announcements were made! :)

  • Hi,

    Do you have any more of these? It has been a while since I had a good laugh so thanks very much.

  • Nice 1 they are hilarious.... set me off in a coughing fit though!!!!


  • bumped up as made me chuckle!!

  • lol thanks Charlie for bumping, and Kate for the underground ones, and though sadly I know Bex is no longer with us, thank you anyway for these originals as they made me chuckle.

    (Edited: I know Bex sadly died earlier this year, hope original message didn't offend/upset anyone who knew her).

  • some more that I have found!

    CLASSICS (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)

    Anne Robinson. presenter: What was the principal language used by the ancient Romans?

    Contestant: Greek.

    GEOGRAPHY (on In It To Win It, BBC One)

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    [what's this]

    Dale Winton, presenter: Alderney and Sark – are they part of the Channel Islands?

    Contestant: Ooooh! Is that the English Channel? I don't know, are there islands in the English Channel? I've never heard of any. France – that's near the English Channel, isn't it?

    GENERAL STUDIES (on Wogan's Perfect Recall, Channel 4)

    Sir Terry Wogan, presenter: ""Which Duke resides at Woburn Abbey?

    Contestant: Hazzard.

    MUSIC (on LBC, 97.3 FM)

    Presenter: What name does Cat Stevens go under now? I'll give you a clue, he became a Muslim...

    Contestant: Abu Hamza.

    MATHS (on The Weakest Link, BBC One)

    Anne Robinson: What kind of dozen is 13?

    Contestant: Half a dozen.

    POLITICS (on Viking FM)

    Presenter: Who was the Prime Minister before Tony Blair?

    Contestant: George Bush.

    BOOKS (on celebrity edition of University Challenge)

    Jeremy Paxman, presenter: Of all Beatrix Potter's books, which is the only one to feature a human in the title?

    Antony Beevor, author: Peter Rabbit

    THE ARTS (on 2CR FM)

    Presenter: Who painted the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel?

    Caller: Leonardo Di Caprio.

    FILM STUDIE (on Radio 2)

    Steve Wright, presenter: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?

    Caller: Jesus

  • these are brilliant and yes i did have to have a puff of the ventolin from laughing so hard

  • Some of these are unbelievable! But then again - if I was on a quiz show and had no idea what the answer was, I would probably come up with the most ridiculous answer possible - just for the laughs!

    But hey! Im weird like that!

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