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A joke a day!

A simple idea; check the time of the last post, and if it was yesterday, post a joke!So, bearing that in mind...There were two carrots walking down the road, a big carrot and a little carrot. On the other side of the road they see their friend cabbage in his cabbage patch. Big carrot says, ""Let's go visit cabbage on the other side of the road.""Little carrot says, ""But there is so much traffic here I'm afraid I might get run over."" ""Nonsense,"" says Big carrot, ""just wait for a break in the traffic and run as fast as you can.""Big carrot sees a break in the traffic and runs over to cabbage. He then calls to his friend to try. Little carrot gets ready, sees a break in the traffic and runs across the road. Unfortunately there was a big truck coming and little carrot gets squashed in the middle of the road. Big carrot feels really bad and scoops his friend up and takes him to the hospital.The doctors perform emergency surgery. After several hours the doctor comes out - ""I have some good news and some bad news.""Big carrot says, ""Okay doc, go ahead, I can take it.""The doctor says, ""Well the good news is that your friend is going to live, but the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life.

34 Replies

Q - what's one of these? @@@@@@@@@>:

A - Don't Know but here comes another one! @@@@@@@@@>:



11 minutes past midnight - that makes it another day.

""Redecorating Help""

A young woman decided to redecorate her bedroom. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need, but she knew that her friend next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.

""Buffy,"" she said, ""how many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?""

""Ten,"" said Buffy.

So the girl bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but she had 2 rolls leftover.

""Buffy,"" she said. ""I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 leftover!""

""Yeah!"" said Buffy. ""So did I.


These are only short so am cheating and posting more than one

Q:How can you stop your dog barking in the front garden?

A: put him in the back garden

Q:Whats grey and has four legs and a trunk?

A: A mouse going on holiday

Q:How do yo spell hungry horse in 4 letters?


(Courtesy of the Guiding magazine0



This might be a few but I only got it in one e-mail!!!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?*

*Unique Up On It.*

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?*

*Tame Way, Unique Up On It.*

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?*

*They Take The Psycho Path*

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?*

*You Boil The Hell Out Of It.*

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?*


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?*


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?*

*A Stick*

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?*

*Nacho Cheese.*

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?*

*Subordinate Clauses.*

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?*

*Quattro Sinko..*

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?*

*Spoiled Milk.*

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?*


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?*

*A Nervous Wreck.*

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?*

*Anyone Can Roast Beef.*

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?*

*Right Where You Left Him.*

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?*

*Because They Have Big Fingers.*

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?*

*Because It Scares The Dog.*

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?*


19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?*

*The Location Of The Dirt Bag.*

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?*

*Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.*

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?*

*Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.*


Q - Where do poorly bees go?

A - Waspital!

(Found on a very small pot of fromage frais!)


Penguin jokes especially for Kate

Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?

A: On the rocks.

Q: What´s black and white and goes round and around?

A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Q: Why don´t you see Penguins in Britain?

A: Because they´re afraid of Wales.

Q: Who is a Penguin´s favourite pop star?

A: Seal.

Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?

A: Starfish.

Q: Why don´t Penguins like rock music?

A: They only like sole.

Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?

A: Because they haven´t got any pockets.

Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?

A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q: What do mother Penguins say to their children

before they go out in the dark?

A: Beak....careful out there.

Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?

A: Because they don´t wanna fall out.

Q: What do Penguins have for lunch?

A: Icebergers.

Q: What do you call a penguin in the desert?

A: Lost.

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. While doing this the clerk spots two penguins sitting on the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, ""What's up with the penguins in the back seat?""

The man in the car says, ""I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't a clue.""

The clerk ponders a bit then says, ""You should take them to the zoo.""

""Yeah, that's a good idea,"" says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The

clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

""Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo!""

""Oh, I did,"" says the driver, ""and we had a great time. Today I'm taking

them to the beach.""

What´s black & white, black & white, black & white and black & white?

A penguin rolling down the hill.


mummy potatoe was talking to her 3 daughters one day, expressing the importance of marrying well. With this in mind she asked if they had thought about who they would like to marry.

daughter potatoe 1 said she would like to marry a jerset royal. ""Good choice"" replied mother potatoe - ""royalty!""

daughter potatoe 2 said she would like to marry a king edward potatoe - ""equally good choice"" replied mother - ""more royalty"".

daughter potatoe 3 then replied that she would like to marry desmond lynum - ""Des Lynum"" replied mother potatoe ""you can't marry him - he's a commentator!



Thanks for cheering up a poorly purple penguin!




scuse me while i neb after laufghing so much!! have a couple to add-

What do you call a hungry elephant using only 4 letters


How do u catch a squirrel?

Climb up a tree and act like a nut! (an easy 1 for many of us nutters here!)

What do u call a man with a spade no his head?


What do you call a man who has lost his spade?


Sorry the last 2 were donated by my son!


Ellie Jokes - Lots of them

Q: How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Insert elephant.

3. Close door.

Q: How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.

2. Remove elephant.

3. Insert giraffe.

4. Close door.

Q. The lion, the king of the jungle, decided to have a party. He invited all the animals in the jungle, and they all came except one. Which one?

A. The giraffe, because he was still in the fridge.

Q: How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?

A: Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him ""lunch"".

Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?

A: Have you ever tried to iron one?

Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?

A: Chicken's day off.

Q: How do you know if there is an elephant in the pub?

A: It's bike is outside.

Q: How do you know if there are two elephants in the pub?

A: There is a dent in the cross-bar.

Q: Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?

A: To sneak across a pool table without being seen.

Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?

A: So that they don't sink in the sand.

Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?

A: To look for elephant that were not wearing sandals.

Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?

A: Cinderelephant.


How do u hide an ellie in a cherry tree?

Paint its toe nails red.

How do u know an ellie has been in the fridge?

Footprints in the butter.


...and have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?


Proves the disguise works, then.


Irish Joke

Sorry it offends anyone

Bit long - but bloody funny!

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, ""Dat's dem."" The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

""Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,"" says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, ""Dis looks like a grand place."" He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says,

""Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!""


Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.""Hi, Paddy, watch dis,"" Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says,

""And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!""


Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rockand breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head. ""Fook dat, lads.

First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus

parrotshooting and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!



To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle. Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was ""DON'T!""

""Don't what?"" Adam replied.

""Don't eat the forbidden fruit."" God said.

""Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit!!!!!""

""No Way!""

""Yes way!""

""Do NOT eat the fruit!"" said God.


""Because I am your Father and I said so!"" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked! ""Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?"" God asked.

""Uh huh,"" Adam replied.

""Then why did you?"" said the Father.

""I don't know,"" said Eve.

""She started it!"" Adam said

""Did not!""

""Did too!""

""DID NOT!""

Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.

BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY! If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.





Today's Joke ( Appologies to those with fair hair!)


Dear Diary,

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive double-pane energy efficient kind. This week I got a call from the contractor complaining that his work had been completed a whole year ago and I had yet to pay for them.

Boy oh boy, did we go a round!

Just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I proceeded to tell him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year ... that in one year the windows would pay for themselves. There was silence on the other end of the line, so I just hung up and I have not heard back. Guess I won that stupid argument!



Have had to print some of those off especiall Utom your last 1 creased me up and Hedi your was very appropriate for 2day Paddys day.1


funking spit


funking spit


wats happened to the joke a day?

seems to have been let slide so will start it off again today here's a joke sent to me by a friend whilst i was in costa:

A man who runs a mental institution is being interviewed.

Interviewer: how can you tell for sure whether some ody needs to be committed to your institution?

Man: well it is quite simple really, we suggest tothem a ba bath full of water and offer them a spoon, a cup or a bucket and ask them which they would choose to empty the bath.

Interview: oh i see so if they discard the spoon and the cup and choose the buket you classify them as normal and don't put them in your institution, yes?

Man: well no, most ""normal"" people would simply pull the plug!!!


Oooooh good one Scampy!

Here's my burnt offering to keep us all laughing, especially those men out there!

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we

decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts,and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day ""little"" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, ""I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.""

I was stunned- frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. She pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all

clapping! With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, ""We are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.""

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.



A Blonde Joke to end all Blonde Jokes

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says:

""Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I

can't figure out how to get it started.""

Boyfriend asks:

""What is it supposed to be when it's finished?""

Blonde says:

""According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger.""

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him

in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to

her and says:

""First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to

assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.""

Then he takes her hand and says:

""Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and

then........"" he sighed,

""........let's put all these Frosties back in the box.


two cannibals

two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the trie to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, ""ooh dad, there's one."" ""no,"" said the father. ""there's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We’ll just wait.”

Well a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, “hey dad, he’s plenty big enough.” “No,” the father said. “We’d al die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We’ll just have to wait.”

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, “Now there’s nothing wrong with that one dad. Let’s eat her.”

“No,” said the father. “We’ll not eat her either.”

“Why, not?” asked the son,

“because, we’re going to take her back alive and eat your mother.”


I am well known at work for having fun at the expense of guys - but i take as good as I get so time for me to put the record straight! HA HA

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? So true and so unfair...

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be President.

You can never be pregnant.

You can wear a white a T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car Mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.

People never stare at your chest when you are talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

You know stuff about tanks.

A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all of your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is £2.95 for a three-pack.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe even decades.

You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color for all seasons.

You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.

You can ""do"" your nails with a pocket knife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.


Not so funny sales patter

I am becoming increasingly frustrated at cold call telephone sales peeps.

So I have made up my own answer machine message, in the hopes they will get my message and desist.

I ain't buying windows or replacement doors,

I have plenty of cabinets and kitchen drawers.

I don't need no glasshouse front or back,

you can't make a palace from a clapped out shack.

So if you still have my number in your little sales book,

take it out now, and sling your hook.

If you still want me, to call you back on this phone,

Please leave your name and number after the tone.

The first caller after I set it going..

a photography company.. who listened to it no less than three times... Cheeky blighter... Im in for rewrites now..

Funny ha ha.. it cost them money!!


Today's Jokes

Q What do you get from a bad tempered shark?

A As far away as possible!!

Q Why did the starfish cross the road?

A To get to the other tide.

Q Which fish can perform operations?

A A sturgeon

Q Where do little fish go every morning?

A to plaice school

Q What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh

Q If 2's company and 3's a crowd, whats 4 and 5?

A 9

Q What do you call a Roman emperor with flu?

A Julius Sneezer

Please blame my 10 year old daughter, she found them!


The Ultimate Female Joke

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her

girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not

take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked

directly toward her (as all men will). Before she could offer her

apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her,

""I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no

matter how kinky, for £10.00......on one condition.""

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, ""You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.""

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed a £10 note from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, and meaningfully said....

""Clean my house.


All Tricia's fish jokes reminded me of this little fella:

Can you name three fish that begin AND end with ""K""?

Killer sharK

Kwik Save frozen haddocK


...because Kilmarnock is a place...

I'm so very, very sorry...


A Kate Joke!!!!

What do you call a load of chickens in a kitchen?

Ready Steady Cluck!!


Bird flu joke

A bear, a lion and a chicken are talking about who is the hardest.

The bear says, ""When I roar the whole forest trembles.""

The lion says, ""When I roar the whole jungle shakes with fear.""

The chicken says, ""All I have to do is cough and the whole world runs for the hills.""

From New Scientist Magazine





another primary school one :-)

why don't owls date in the rain? because it's too wet too woo.


just when men thought the insults had stopped

having read some of the content in replies below i am now guessing my next one isn't too offensive.

why don't men get mad cows disease?

because they are all pigs.

sorry men pay back for all the blonde and irish jokes :-)


george's mum has 3 children one is called june one is called july what is the third one called ?

answer george

if you say this joke to people they will nost probably say august but hey

hannah xx


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning >business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, ""Please wake me at 5:00 AM ."" He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, ""It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.""

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

ok so i sneaked two in

Training Courses For Men

Be one step ahead of the rest.....sign up NOW!!

Classes Start Soon

1) Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop!

2) Introduction to Common Household Objects II:The Sponge!

3) Dressing Up: Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding.

4) Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead.

5) Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? You CAN Tell the Difference!

6) If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away: Accepting Loss 101.

7) If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago, Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back: Accepting Loss 102.

8) Going to the Supermarket: It's Not Just for Women Anymore!

9) Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

10) Recycling Skills II: polysterene that Came in the Boxes that the Electronics Came In.

11) Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink!

12) Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!

13) Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to run out of Toilet Paper!

14) Bathroom Etiquette IV: What to Do With the Toilet Seat When You Are Done.

15) Giving Back to the Community: How to Donate 15-Year-Old Levis to Goodwill.

16) Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining Your 1970s Polyester Shirts.

17) No, The Dishes Won't Wash Themselves: Knowing the Limitations of Your Kitchenware.

18) Romance: More Than a Cable Channel!

19) Strange But True!: She Really May NOT Care What ""Fourth Down and Ten"" Means!

20) Going Out to Dinner: Beyond the Pizza Hut.

21) Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting Movies That Don't Fall Under the ""Action/Adventure"" Category.

22) Yours, Mine, and Ours: Sharing the Remote.

23) ""I Could Have Played a Better Game Than That!"": Why Women Laugh.

24) Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's Clean the Closet.

25) Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's Clean Under the Bed.

26) ""I Don't Know"": Be the First Man to Say It!

27) The petrol Gauge in Your Car: Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty

28) Directions: It's Okay to Ask for Them.

29) Listening: It's Not Just Something You Do During Halftime.

30) Accepting Your Limitations: Just Because You Have Power Tools Doesn't Mean You Can Fix It!


Sorry footie fans but couldn't resist this one! ......


Information Release

Due to the nature of the quality of driving in England, the Dept of Transport

has now devised a new scheme in order to identify poor drivers

and give good drivers the opportunity to recognise them whilst driving.

For this reason, as from the Middle of May 2006, those drivers who are

found to be driving badly - which includes:

overtaking in dangerous places;

hovering within one inch of the car in front;

stopping sharply;

speeding in residential areas;

pulling out without indication;

performing U turns inappropriately in busy high streets;

under taking on motorways;

taking up more than one lane on multi-lane roads

- these drivers will be issued with flags - white with a red cross,

signifying their inability to drive properly. These flags must be

clipped to a door of the car and be visible to all other drivers and


Those drivers who have shown particularly poor driving skills will

have to display a flag on either side of the car to indicate their lack of

skill and general lower intelligence mindset to the public.

Please circulate this to as many other motorists as you can so that

drivers and pedestrians will be aware of the meaning of these flags.

Yours sincerely

Dept of Transport



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