Give us this day, our daily humour

[yaf_user681_33231]

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and

sat down next to a beautiful(you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ""It's golf balls"".

Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,

deeply thinking about what he had said.

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After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer,

asked, ""Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?""

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A tale from Tony's time as PM. . . .

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of

patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness, and greets one.

The patient replies:

""Fair fa your honest sonsie face,

Great chieftain o the puddin race,

Aboon them a ye take yer place,

Painch, tripe or thairm, As langs my airm.""

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The patient responds:

""Some hae meat an canna eat,

And some wad eat that want it,

But we hae meat an we can eat,

So let the Lord be thankit.""

Even more confused, and his grin now somewhat frozen, Blair moves on to

the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

""Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,

O the panic in thy breasty,

Thou needna start awa sae hastie,

Wi bickering brattle""

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks,

""Is this a psychiatric ward?""

Scroll down

""No,"" replies the doctor, ""This is the serious Burns unit.

[KateMoss]

Excellent!

Now one from mee!

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We have a huge council house in our street :

The extended family is run by a grumpy old woman with a pack of fierce dogs.

Her car isn't taxed or insured, and doesn't even have a number plate, but the police still do nothing.

Her bad tempered old man is famous for upsetting foreigners with racist comments.

A shopkeeper blames him for ordering the murder of his son and his son's girlfriend, but nothing has been proved yet.

All their kids have broken marriages except the youngest, who everyone once thought was gay.

Two grandsons are meant to be in the Army but are always seen out in nightclubs.

The family's odd antics are always in the papers. They are out of control...

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Honestly - who'd live near Windsor Castle?

[Hidden]

Vitreous for me please!

[yaf_user681_33231]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning,

Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ""No"".

Johnny asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.""

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

She replies, ""No.""

Johnny says, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.""

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

His mum says, ""No.""

He asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His Mum replies, ""Ok, do tell me what you think?""

He says: ""Last night Fred came to my room for the hair gel and I think I

gave him my model making superglue .

[yaf_user681_33231]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning,

Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ""No"".

Johnny asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.""

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

She replies, ""No.""

Johnny says, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.""

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

His mum says, ""No.""

He asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His Mum replies, ""Ok, do tell me what you think?""

He says: ""Last night Fred came to my room for the hair gel and I think I

gave him my model making superglue .

[yaf_user681_33231]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning,

Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ""No"".

Johnny asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.""

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

She replies, ""No.""

Johnny says, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.""

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

His mum says, ""No.""

He asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His Mum replies, ""Ok, do tell me what you think?""

He says: ""Last night Fred came to my room for the hair gel and I think I

gave him my model making superglue .

[yaf_user681_33231]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning,

Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ""No"".

Johnny asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.""

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

She replies, ""No.""

Johnny says, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.""

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

His mum says, ""No.""

He asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His Mum replies, ""Ok, do tell me what you think?""

He says: ""Last night Fred came to my room for the hair gel and I think I

gave him my model making superglue .

[yaf_user681_33231]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back

to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning,

Johnny , Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, ""No"".

Johnny asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.""

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

She replies, ""No.""

Johnny says, ""Do you know what I think?""

His mum replies, ""Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.""

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, ""Are Fred and Mary up yet?""

His mum says, ""No.""

He asks, ""Do you know what I think?""

His Mum replies, ""Ok, do tell me what you think?""

He says: ""Last night Fred came to my room for the vaseline and I think I

gave him my model making glue .

[yaf_user681_33231]

I came across this exercise suggested for senior citizens, to build

muscle strength in the arms and shoulders.

The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2.5kg potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day, you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level).

After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.