I'm going to sound really neurotic now, but here goes.
My little boy of 3 and a half (nearly) was hospitalised this March with his first (and only to date) asthma attack. Shortly afterwards he began inhaled steroids. He wasn't quite getting control and got mild breakthrough symptoms so we tried montelukast too but he turned into a monster and became very anxious and started having bad dreams too so we had to stop. So instead, his steroid dose was increased in September and I think he got near control. But as soon as he got control he got a horrible bacterial sinus infection following a cold and ended up on antibotics, and then got a cold for a week, and then got chickenpox. But inbetween illness, I'm fairly confident that his steroids were working.
But this said, I still find it difficult to be entirely confident that he's ok - because he's so young. He's exceptionally articulate, but he still calls it ""tummy ache"" when his chest tightens and if he's breathless in the night he tells me that he's ""frightened"", he never mentions his breathing and so I have to read between the lines. He doesn't even recognise his symptoms as something wrong with his breathing. I can't wait for the day when he can tell me about it - an age when he understands that he is to tell me when he's having any slight breathing problems. I know that I'll feel a little bit better then.
Now that winter's lurking and we've had a few days of cold air, I'm finding that I have an undercurrent of nervous feelings. The only way to describe it is that it's similar to the overwhelming thoughts and feelings that you get when you have a newborn baby. I remember that I used to have crazy thoughts about lorries careering off the road and ploughing into us, or the buggy randomly falling into rivers and me not being able to save him. Really, really horrible thoughts about my beautiful baby dying. At the time I thought that I was losing my mind, but the health visitor reassured me that it was completely normal and that it was just my protective instinct firing up in my brain. But now I feel totally overwhelmed again. I am reluctant to leave him at night and I can't sleep properly. I worry about when he's at preschool, just in case they don't recognise his signs (even though I have explained it to them and have written it down). I just get worried that he's going to have an acute attack and that I'm not going to be with him. I have tried to be logical - I know that I can't do anything more than anyone else who was with him e.g. at preschool, but I can't seem to convince myself. I bury it all really deeply as I don't want to project my fear onto my boy or my husband.
There's a part of me that is reluctant to let go of the fear because in a funny sort of way it reassures me that I'm staying vigilant (and yes, I do know that it sounds irrational!!). I try to do all the right things for my boy - regularly contact the respiratory nurse, go to the docs immediately if I'm unsure etc. I know that I'm catastrophising. And I want to know how to control it - anyone got any tips?? Thanks x