Good evening,
I am a 21 year old man living in Scotland. There is a history of disorders similiar to aspergers in my family, OCD, ADD, ADHD , Autism etc etc. However i have never thought that i may have any of these problems until recently. For the last year and a bit i have been going out with my current girlfriend, i was discussing the topic of Autism with her one day and she pointed out that i exhibit some of the mannerisms of someone who has this condition. Of course i thought no no i would of had a diagnosis by now and shook it off. However this stuck in my mind and for months and months i simply payed more attention to the way i act and some little quirks that i have to see if my girlfriends observation had any merit. This is what i found.
- since childhood i have struggled to openly express emotions. This is extremely apparent in excitement as recordings of me at christmas even show that i did not express any excitement outwardly even though i felt an emotion which people describe as excitement internally.
- I do not dislike physical contact but i much prefer to initiate it myself, when initiated on i feel wrong or uncomfortable, this is however quite manageable.
- i have a tendancy to babble on about a subject in conversation even when people have moved on from said topic.
- i have very specific interests, and when i have an interest i learn everything there is about it and it is a key part of my life, my parents used to say id obsess over a certain topic or interest for months, years even and some of the topics are still a major part of my life now even as a 21 year old man.
- I frequently say things which in my mind are just honest and harmless and have to be told or advised not to say things like that as it has hurt or will hurt peoples feelings. i however do not realise i have said something out of turn and do not feel the need to apologize. i do however as i don't like seeing people upset , i am bad at handling it.
- i am very bad at picking up subtly. i also tend never to act on initiate and i have to frequently be blatantly told what i need to do if a family member or friend wants me to do it. eg clean the kitchen or pick up washing.
- i have a profound interest in the human mind and behaviours, however facial expressions some times confuse me as i dont know what emotion they are trying to display with them.
- I consider myself a rather intelligent young man however in arguments or discussions if i find myself to be wrong in any way i get very internally frustrated and wish the conversation had never happened.
- Thus i find saying Sorry difficult ( at least saying sorry and meaning it ) as saying sorry means that i have admitted to another person i have done or said something wrong.
- I have no filter unless it is around children it seems, i will say things out of turn or inappropriate just as i have observed them and i wish to make comment on them, however with the help of my girlfriend and parents i have managed to learn to hold my tongue more frequently as it has landed me in some less than beneficial scenarios in the past.
- I understand, by definiton the word Empathy however i struggle greatly actually empathising.
- I dont like going out to walk somewhere if i dont have headphones as alot of noises seem to agitate me. Similar to this clock ticking drives me insane to the point i have mostly taken down any clock that is any location i frequent.
Do you think it possible i have Aspergers or any similiar condition? i do not currently want to get a medical diagnosis as i am intimidated by the fact that after all these years of thinking i had everything about my person noted and known that bringing this possible massive part of my life into the forefront might prove difficult to me.
There are many more observations my family and i have made as of late but i think you get the idea from my noted observations.
