Does it get better?

[Butterfly819]

After reading numerous posts on here I feel it’s only right to share my story and hope to find some comfort that I’m not alone.

After a traumatic birth and weeks in intensive care with my son we went home and life seemed great. At 6 months old I got PP and spent a month in a MBU last Christmas. I then got severe depression and ended up back in the MBU in spring this year for around 2 months.

Months on and I still feel depressed I dread waking up each day, constantly feel anxious and get no joy out of life or being a mother.

I avoid looking after my son as I feel I’m not capable and get so anxious and frustrated I feel physically sick. Functioning day to day became so difficult he now goes to day care, at first this was so that I could return to work but now I can’t cope with the anxiety if I’m left alone with him. I feel like a constant failure and everytime I look at him I just feel guilty. I’ve put on a brave face and tried to smile through it but I can’t remember the last time I was truly happy. I can see how it’s affected my husband and our lives becoming parents so far and I feel like I’ve ruined his life. You’re meant to be happy when you get the life you always dreamed of so why am I not?

I have flashbacks and nightmares about the things I experienced during the psychosis and on the unit. I have no confidence or self esteem and just hide in my house but every room reminds me of different hallucinations and things I now know didn’t happen but felt so real. I tried medication and therapy on multiple occasions now and neither has worked for me.

With Christmas coming up knowing its a year on from when it all began I worry I will end up back in that state and try to avoid anything in my life that creates any stress to the point now I feel like I’ve stopped living. I used to love Christmas but the pressure I put on myself to have the “perfect Christmas” last year is what I believe triggered the PP along with a lack of sleep from expressing every 3 hours for 6 months.

sorry for the long story I feel some sort of relief just writing it down and getting it out.

[Rachel_at_APP Partner APP]

Good morning butterfly 819,

It’s Rachel here, I’m part of Action on Postpartum Psychosis peer support team.

Thank you so much for sharing what you have, so bravely, here this morning. PP is an awful thing to go through. I had it back in 2016, falling ill days after my little boy was born on Christmas Day. Having PP after what should be a joyful experience of bringing a new life into the world is horrific, it is such a shocking thing to go through and not at all something that you could ever have imagined. You most certainly didn’t cause this yourself so please don’t hold any guilt or worry that you somehow triggered this by wanting Christmas to be a perfect time for your family. PP really can and does happen to anyone.

I’m really sorry to hear that you had a traumatic birth and your little one ended up needing extra time in hospital. As a Mummy, that is really frightening to go through and you must’ve been terrified. I hope your little one is doing well now, and is enjoying the time at nursery. Don’t feel guilty about them being in nursery. They say it takes a village to raise a child, well I dispute that and say it’s a city! It’s absolutely ok to have support of nursery, family - whatever works. My Mummy came to our home every single day for months when I was discharged from the MBU. I felt frightened, devastated, simply darkly depressed. No it’s not how any of us would have envisaged our family starting out - but unfortunately sometimes it’s just not our day, and we’re lumbered with something you wouldn’t wish on anyone. Nursery can be great at supporting families, not just caring for your little one. So I wonder whether you might feel able to ask if you could pop in with them sometimes. If you felt able, you could explain what has happened perhaps, ask if you could come in and read a book with them? Or help maybe prepare the snacks? Maybe being around other people might be helpful in building your confidence?

I found my recovery from PP to be a long and hard-fought battle. I know that unfortunately the same can be said of others’ experience shared here before too. PP is a horrible illness, as you know, where you experience such terrible symptoms. It’s not surprising that it does take time to feel like you’re back to being well and happy again, which is what I can hear you’re longing for.

I’m sorry that in your recovery you find it tricky to look after a little one. That must leave you with mixed emotions, I know when I was recovering I was frightened to look after my little one, then felt terrible guilt for feeling that way.

It is so tricky when, as you describe, your home can remind you of what you went through. I wonder if you’ve been back to your doctor recently and asked if you might be able to access any talking therapies at all? It wasn’t until two years after my experience I was able to access counselling, but it was a really useful thing to do to be able to walk into a safe room each week , with a caring compassionate person who would listen. The first few sessions I did nothing but cry. I was just devastated, but in time talking about what I went through and all that I experienced really did help.

Battling to recover from PP, I really had to build myself back. I think there’s something about PP unlike other illnesses where your sense of who you are is even more complicated as you’ve just also brought a new life into the world. I know that I just struggled with that hugely and wasn’t sure how I would ever be happy, suffering with the depression like you have described yourself. In time with the right support I did get better and you will too.

In terms of looking after a little one, I wonder whether a charity like Home-Start in your area? They are a national charity with local volunteers, who are often all parents themselves, who are willing to volunteer to support families in their own homes. It might be that volunteer could come to your home perhaps and help you slowly build your confidence.

I think you’ve been so brave in writing here and I’m really glad that you ended your note saying that you think writing it all down might help in a small way. Do keep writing and sharing and asking questions, whatever you find helps.

In the absence of being able to see the happiness growing in front of me in my depression, I wrote in a journal for a long time - noting down three little things that had happened that day. Even what might seem inconsequential little things to another person can be huge to someone who is lacking self belief, confidence and happiness having experienced PP. Sometimes it would be as simple as I brushed my hair today, or I managed to breathe in some fresh air today outside, or I ate some good food today. Gradually it build and you are able to look back on those days and see how far you’ve come.

You certainly haven’t ruined anyone’s life my lovely. I promise you that. I felt scared and frightened that I had too. PP is a cruel illness that has a nasty tendency to make us feel all sorts of horrid things about ourselves, I found especially in the depression afterwards. Try to remind yourself each time those thoughts come - that yes they’re thoughts, but they’re not the ones you need to linger on. Try to picture your closest friend talking with you - what would they say to you? They’d tell you that none of this is your fault. That you were poorly, that you’ve really been through something truly horrific, they’d say to treat yourself with huge kindness. All of that is true. You are loved by your family and friends, you really are - you will get better.

Rachel x

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Butterfly819

I'm so glad you have found us and reached out here. My name is Ellie. I had postpartum psychosis in 2011 after the birth of my son, and experienced anxiety and depression afterwards too. I'm so sorry that you have experienced this devastating illness. I really relate to all the feelings you are describing, it is very similar to how I felt when I experienced PP too.

I felt very overwhelmed and anxious about being alone with my baby too, and I felt so guilty for feeling like that as well. I used to have to call my partner home from work because I felt like I couldn't manage. I also remember the feeling of dread, and sadness, when I woke up each morning. I just wanted to be better and feel like myself again, and enjoy life and my son, but somehow couldn't see how that could happen.

I found setting myself very small goals each day - even saying to myself that for an hour I will play with my baby on the mat, then I'll wash up, then I'll go for a walk etc - helped me to cope with the day, breaking it up into small achievable chunks. Somehow slowly, by just doing it, my confidence and relationship with my baby did grow.

Yes, I felt overwhelmed by sadness and grief too - this should have been a special time, the life I'd dreamed of as you say (he was a very longed for baby who we waited quite long for), but somehow over time, I did get the family life I longed for, and I became fully myself again. My son is 13 now, we are very close, and have a really great relationship.

You write about experiencing flashbacks and nightmares. I'm so sorry you're experiencing that as well. You mentioned you have had therapy, but I wonder if you have been offered any trauma therapy, such as EMDR? I have mentioned this on another thread too. A lot of people experience PTSD after the psychosis, and this can cause anxiety, flashbacks etc. I don't know if you're still with a mental health team? Perhaps this is something you could ask them about, or your doctor?

There's information on the NHS website about PTSD here:

nhs.uk/mental-health/condit...

Once again I'm so glad you've found us, I hope connecting with others here, and knowing everything you have experienced is so normal for having experienced postpartum psychosis. And I hope you can get the right support.

Take care

Ellie

[Alpav]

I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve been through. I had PP in winter 2021 after the birth my son. He was term, but had to spend 2 weeks in NICU. By the time he was well enough to go home, I needed to be in an MBU.

I also had the joy of being in over Christmas. It really adds salt to the wound doesn’t it? All the forces jollity is painful.

I crashed into a deep depression when o was discharged. We had someone help at home in the mornings and was encouraged to do things that could make myself feel better. I struggled to do this and then felt guilty that I wasn’t doing anything. I hope you can start to use some of the time when your son is at nursery for some self care.

Three years on, I still struggle with the judgement from the MBU. Knowing that I was constantly being observed and assessed, with the obs level written up on the board in the nursing station, did nothing for my confidence.

I know what I’ve written may seem a bit bleak, but it’s more to say that things are really rubbish but they will get better. It’s just hard to know exactly when.

One thing that helped was that every day, I wrote down something I had noticed about my son that day, however small. Taking photos also helped. I think Ellie’s advice is great on setting small goals. Exercise also helped me - I’ve done couch to 5k to lift me out of depression a couple of times. It’s really gentle as you start from doing mostly walking with a little bit of jogging.

The biggest help for me was Parent-Infant Psychotherapy. My therapist helped me to see that my son was bonded to me - something I struggled to see during the numbness and bleakness of depression. Maybe you could see if you could do that through your perinatal team.

Good luck with Christmas - I know it’s an annoying thing to say, but your son won’t remember this so be kind to yourself.

Finally, do come back here to post. I’ve found even just writing things down to be helpful. I’ve also found that people tend to reply quite quickly so you won’t be feeling alone for long.

[Survivedwithcolor]

Hi Butterfly, I’m here in the USA I had PP about 22 years ago. I do still have to be conscientious to manage my health and mental health but I can tell you this will get better! I think almost everyone here who is some time out will say the same. What we can’t really tell you is when, but what you are going through right now is certainly familiar to me. My PP didn’t hit until several months after my baby was born, and as a result I wasn’t properly diagnosed until after I was hospitalized the day after Christmas when the baby was ten months old. She stopped nursing on Christmas Eve and after that I just crashed. I have no idea what happened on Christmas Day that year. I have no memory of it at all.

I did not recover right away, but here in the US we do not have MBU’s, so they just sent me home after two weeks in the hospital and I went back to work the following Monday. Needless to say I was pretty much a mess that whole year. I managed to work for a little while but eventually had to resign. I loved my job and was despondent over that event for years afterward. I wasn’t ever able to return to my career. It took me a few years to really stabilize completely. During that time I experienced a lot of the same things you feel right now - depression, not caring about things, not wanting to care for the kids, low self esteem, etc. It was a very, very hard time. About ten years later I got breast cancer and have now been through cancer treatment twice and a lot of other health problems. I can honestly say that cancer was not nearly as difficult as PP was. Even though I wasn’t physically ill,

Will finish later

[Pinktree67]

Having a baby is a life altering irreversible event there's no manual your constantly learning new skills and moving in to a new identity as a new mother then there's the significant health related issues on top of that too although its not well documented I think many would relate to the dread and anxiety you describe that sense of what have I done !! Everything is unfamiliar and it's not all rainbows

I can't remember where I read it but it was to do with the school holidays but can be applied to this too we aim for 100 when in reality you can only expect 50 percent good and 50 percent bad there will be good memories and fun but disagreement frustration aswell that's ok and that includes Christmas too we can't be all things all the time I struggled to bond with my baby at first but I'm now a thriving toddler mum some hate the tantrums and wrangling of toddler hood and prefer the school age I myself have only really bonded with my mum since I've had my own children

I was in mbu over Christmas too and was on day release for my baby's first Christmas it just wasn't Christmas to me I was still paranoid and not right in myself next Christmas wasn't better but the enjoyment is coming back as suggested on other posts I also found setting myself small but manageable tasks each day helpful just little things 10 minutes playing with a toy , washing up, step outside for a few minutes , reorganising a cupboard I know you said that therapy and medication hasn't worked but keep trying there will be something out there for you