We just got home last Thursday from the mother and baby unit … I did terrible things in psychosis for sections called the police on my fiancé kicked him and his mother out got sectioned was separated from baby tried to kill mylsef in section ( they didn’t find out iPhone cables are not that handy turns out ) destroyed personal property of my fiancé althe list goes on oh yes went on instagram and a Facebook …. I am still so ashamed and whenever he wants to process what hallend i feel like he’s shaming me . I got sectioned on the 5 th oct which was also my 50 th bday and my daughter was 1 week . And he hasn’t even written me a card I feel like I am being punished but that’s not the worse I wanted this baby so badly and I feel like a failure as I couldn’t do the most natural thing in the world namely give birth without making a big scandal … in my 20 I was partying a lot and doing drugs etc and I know many of my peers think that I literally gave birth and got high and that I don’t care of the baby . But that’s not true . I became psychotic from lack of sleep ….
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Lalalus
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Hi Lalalus, I'm one of the volunteers at APP. I had pp after the birth of my twin girls in 2016. I was in an MBU with them for 9 weeks. I want to say first off, it's not your fault. I also did some nasty things when I had psychosis, pushed my mum over and made lots of accusations against people I loved. But I'm not normally like that (I promise!) so it is the illness that causes erratic behaviour.
It took a while for me and my husband to speak about things when I came out of the mbu (years not days.) And I asked him 'why didn't you tell me you loved me when I was poorly' and he said 'because you were horrible (!)'
I did soft drugs too in my 20s but I don't think it's linked. There is some really good info on the website about possible causes of pp - but I will say, none of it is because you did anything wrong. As you said lack of sleep is definitely something a lot of us have in common. I think I went about 4 days without sleep before being admitted.
We have a partner supporter on here too - APP can link your partner up with him if you think it might help?
You aren't a failure, you are a strong lady whose been through a really awful illness and come out the other side. I'll put some links on here for you to the leaflets.
Welcome to the forum, I’m glad you’ve found us and hope you find a lot of support here.
I’m sorry for what you’ve been through and hope you’re settling back at home ok with your daughter. It’s very early days so be really gentle on yourself.
I had postpartum psychosis after my first son was born in 2012. It took time to process everything and that journey is different for everyone, but I hope you find comfort in connecting with others who have been through similar experiences.
As hgallo has said, none of this is your fault and you’re not a failure. It’s an awful illness that can happen to anyone but you’ll get better and you’re a great mum.
I’m sorry you feel like your fiancé is shaming you, I think it’s such a traumatic experience for everyone involved and I’m sure things will get easier as the pieces settle. I hope the link to our insider guides that hgallo has shared is helpful, you can find more information about our peer support here - app-network.org/peer-support/
Thank you for reaching out to us. I’m sorry to read about your situation and how you feel. I know when I had PP I was 10 times my personality and was constantly shouting at my husband in particular because I felt he didn’t understand mental health and to an extent that was true. On one occasion he had put decorations in my room at the MBU for our Eid (equivalent to Christmas) and I had ripped it all down and had a shouting match/tantrum at him. This is not my normal behaviour at all. Looking back at this I realise I was just frustrated for being stuck at an MBU when all I wanted to be was at home to celberate eid with my family and I had took my frustration out on my nearest relative, my spouse.
I must reassure you and say when we are ill we aren’t the real representation of ourselves and like my situation we are frustrated. I especially felt not listened to and I wanted to be heard. I can imagine you were not yourself when you were ill too. There is nothing to be ashamed about. It’s not your fault that you were ill or that your behaviour presented like this.
We are here for a chat and do not judge, if you want to speak and get some peer support from us please let us know 😊
Hi LalalusI wondered how you are getting on. There is a lot to adjust to when you first come home from the MBU, I hope you are keeping well.
Did you have your baby at nearly age 40 or nearly age 50? Either way, congratulations. I was an older mother and I certainly enjoyed partying in the years before I had my daughter.
To me, it felt even more precious having a baby later in life and I was certainly elated. I spent 3 months on the MBU from when my daughter was 9 days old. Lack of sleep is a huge factor in people who develop psychosis.
Have you made any progress with your fiance?
APP offer support to partners and meeting other partners may help him to process and understand the symptoms of Postpartum Psychosis.
If he is willing, maybe you could arrange some relationship or family counselling. I don't know if the other volunteers think Relate could help. Perhaps the MBU or your GP could advise you.
I agree with the other replies in that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, you've been through a really tough time because of your PP. Childbirth and everything that follows isn't easy.
Can you give some information on PP to your peers so that they can have better understanding too? I am sure many of them will be supportive and surprise you. I have been amazed at how understanding friends have been, especially once they have some more information about PP.
try not to worry. I remember thinking my husband had had a baby with someone else we knew. I kicked him out one time and he slept in the garage. We all went crazy. Just try talk to him and say it was the illness. It’s made us crazy. I ended up separating from my husband and moving out. Now we are in a great place back together but living separately. Try and talk openly. We have only jusr started doing it and he said he had no idea about all the stuff going on in my head when I was I’ll. maybe do some couples councilling. . You will get there x
I had ppp after my daughter in 2016, and my son in 2021 ( medicated heavily for it anyway). I did some pretty similar and awful things to my husband. It’s not your fault, it’s the illness. My husband is still here and I’m recovering or recovered, but have ptsd from what happened. He says he’s trying to forgive and tries to understand, but you can never truly understand unless you have been through it.
I’m so glad you found this group, it really helped me in my dark days in recovery. Most women get better and recover from this heartbreaking illness. I wish you well. If you can, when you/he is ready show him this group and posts, it helped my husband a lot.
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