MESSAGE FROM APP ADMINS: This post contains distressing information. If you are feeling vulnerable, do take care if reading this post.
It’s me again (I bet you’re all tired of seeing my posts atm cause I’m tired too of feeling the way I do)
So I’ve had a few hard months of severe stress & worry.. I have GAD & was diagnosed with that from been a child I was always a worrier..
we have just sadly lost my grandad on the 15th & I’m also dealing with my dad who’s in he’s 70’s & a severe alcoholic (he’s been this way since he’s early 30’s) he’s had neumorous hospital trips in the last few weeks due to him collapsing black out drunk & also not looking after himself as he’s main priority has & always will be the alcohol..
he’s now in the end stages of liver failure.. Over the last few days I’ve began to have really awful dark OCD intrusive thoughts (about me sexually abusing my two children) which I have to say I WOULD never ever ever act upon, the very thought brings me so much awful anxiety & makes me feel physically sick to my stomach, yet these awful thoughts are are the very forefront of my mind, tormenting me, making me over analyse & question my every movement, making me re trace my steps in case I DID or HAVE acted upon them at some point & forgotten!? Yet I know I haven’t cause I wouldn’t! This then makes me cry & feel so confused, guilty disgusted & ashamed as why on earth would my mind do this to me!?
I’m terrified to go to sleep at night incase during my sleep I do something terrible to them & have no recollection or even worse waking up & realising I’ve acted on these awful nasty thoughts 😭 but again I KNOW in my heart of hearts I haven’t & never would!
I’m scared to be left alone with my 18month old, or to change he’s nappy for all these thoughts running wild inside my mind I honestly can’t live like this any longer.. I’ve even thought that if I was to ever act on them that I would kill myself as I could not ever live with myself knowing I’ve hurt one of my babies it would kill me there & then (again I know I wouldn’t & haven’t) then my anxiety will make me re question things over & over & torment me ‘but are you sure’ ‘can you be trusted around you’re children’ & I feel it’s only a matter of time before I end up locked away forever for something I haven’t done!
I’ve now lost 11lbs in the last 3weeks! Due to my levels of worry & anxiety & OCD intrusive dark horrible thoughts
I’m under my doctors & I’ve had a chat with them today, my family & my doctors are been so lovely & supportive except for my partner he refuses to stay over & stay with me on a evening knowing how I feel cause he’s ‘tired’
I really hate my life at the moment & how I’m feeling, I dred waking up each morning with this awful anxiety as I know it’s again another day of battling my mind & I ain’t sure I’m no longer the strong one.. all I want to do is hide away in my bed under my duvet till I feel much more mentally strong enough to face the world again..
someone please tell me I’m not going mad!?
Anyone else experienced these awful dark thoughts?