Hi, I had my little boy in April last year and was admitted to MBU for 7 weeks when he was 4 months old after suffering with PPP silently since he was born. I can not begin to describe the pain and devastation from this time as I, as well as everyone around me had no idea what was going on with me before my admission. There is so much to the story but I will jump to now. My little boy is now 11 months old and I just feel dead still. Depressed/anxious and just desensitised to everything, dis-attached from everything I guess. The mental health care services here aren’t the greatest and a lot of travel is involved. Last week my mental health team closed my case as they see me as being a lot better (which I am compared to where I was) but I’m still having trouble functioning. My son goes to childcare 2 days a week and on most of the other days, I have help from my Mum and mother in law. Hubby has been really supportive but I feel he is getting sick of it to be honest. Currently I’m laying in bed and can’t get out........
Hello: Hi, I had my little boy in April... - Action on Postpar...
Hello
Hi Hammj009
Welcome to the forum. I am sorry to hear that you suffered from pp after the birth baby boy and that you are still struggling feeling desensitised and having trouble functioning. It sounds like you have been through a lot, and suffering with pp for 4 months at home must have been such a tall order.
I had pp in 2018, following the birth of my daughter. I started showing symptoms a few days after and was admitted to a general psych unit on day 10 and a bit more than a week after that to a mother and baby unit, where I stayed for 2.5 months.
Recovery from pp took time for me, although on paper I was managing well. I started working part time when my daughter was 8 months, and that transition went fine, my psychiatrist will always write after our monthly reviews during our first year, well kept, has an even mood and shows good report with baby. In reality, I felt as if I was surrounded by cotton wool that was dampening life around me. Part of it, I know was the anti psychotic medication, but it also got better as time passed.
Sorry to ask you, did the perinatal team discharged you to a community psychiatric team that can follow up on your case and be there if you need them? What about your GP, do you feel like you could approach them if you are feeling like a review of medication may be something to discuss? I think it is important to raise your concerns if you feel you are not fully functional.
When I am feeling low I tend to see myself as a burden for my nearest and dearest. When I feel well I can look back and see that was not the case at all, and that it was the depression talking. But I find it really hard to break that cycle of ruminations just on my own. CBT as well as medication has helped me with anxiety and depression before, certain localities allow self referrals, I think in other places your GP can refer you. There is something to be said about hearing your thoughts out loud, and being able to work through some things that may be too painful to share with your loved ones when everything is still so recent.
Please be kind to yourself, you have been through a lot the past year, I hope you are able to get help from either your gp or a team in your area, don't suffer it in silence, there is help out there.
Take care
Thank you so much!
Yes the MBU referred me to my local mental Health team which were helpful. My worker was transferred to another site and the team made the decision to close my case. I can ring them and get it reopened I guess.
Today my Mum came to visit and that made me a bit brighter. I just hate that I have to rely on people every single day.
One day you’ll be helping the people who care for you. Hang on in there.
I had PP four years ago and it did take months to get better - about a year. But I did get better. I’m bipolar so still take medication but really enjoy my life now. I have had a lot of support but one day it’ll be us supporting our parents. So, hang in there. Try and stretch yourself a little every day: so, with me I hate cleaning. I put it off then feel down the house is messy. So, I hate a lot of caffeine (I need it to overcome the drug knockout effect) and then go for it.
Seize the day! You can do this!!! Xx
Hi Hammj009,
I am glad to hear that your mum's visit brightened up your day. Hope that the weekend followed on the same note. The weather changed very much in our neck of the woods, a definite spring like vibe, and it makes the world of difference to my mood.
If u are discharged from mental health services, perhaps a frank chat with your gp could be helpful? I don't know if you did CBT for pp, but perhaps it could be helpful atm, to help you manage anxiety/depression?
Take care
Hi there, welcome to the group. I am so sorry you are suffering. I suffered psychosis in March last year, was admitted to an MBU and then released to the local perinatal team. This recovery process takes time. Everyone kept saying that I'd get better and I didn't believe a single one of them! Please have faith, you will get better. Please reach out again to your GP and express your concerns and worries and please do not think of yourself as a burden to your loved ones. I really hope you feel brighter soon x
Hello Hammj009
Thank you for reaching out to the forum where you will find lots of support and understanding. I can’t imagine how distressing that must have been for you to suffer PP silently. I had PP many years ago and when it hit me I had no idea what was happening. There was such stigma at the time that my illness was a family secret, although with hindsight we were all very much in the dark. Eventually I was sectioned to mixed general psychiatric care.
Depression followed and I can relate to wanting to stay in bed. I felt it was my safe space for a while. Everything was such an effort.
I’m sorry mental health services are not good where you live. It seems unfair that they have closed your case but perhaps you have given the impression to professionals and family that you’re ‘fine’ especially at the moment with restricted short appointments. This is something I remember doing, saying I was ‘fine’ though I clearly wasn’t functioning.
Is it possible you could speak to your GP and let him know how you really feel? It’s very hard but try to be as open as you can so that the right support can be found, whether in a review of your medication or a referral to counselling to hear your thoughts ‘out loud’. Perhaps your husband or mum could speak to the GP on your behalf as he should be aware of a plan for your ongoing care?
It’s difficult these days but please hold on to hope that you will eventually feel better if you are able to talk openly with professionals. Your mental health is so important after all you have shared here. Please don’t be afraid to ask for help ... how you are feeling is not your fault and you deserve to be heard and helped.
Thinking of you - be good to yourself and please write again if it helps.
Hello Hammj009Like others have said, welcome to the forum and thank you for finding the strength and courage to share how you are feeling. Please do keep on sharing as sometimes this in itself can provide some level of comfort, knowing that you are not alone with your feelings.
I too had a very late PP diagnosis back in 2016 following the birth of my daughter in the September, becoming ill quite quickly after this but not being diagnosed (I think I masked things well) until the January of 2017, where I then spent 10 weeks in an MBU - my life from shortly after giving birth until around April 2017 was a living nightmare. I've spent a long time coming to terms with the resentment I feel regarding my illness not being picked up by those around me and the relevant healthcare professionals.
Recovery was a long and slow process after this but, the sun always rose the next day and the dark times lessened as time went on.
What I found to be most crucial was keep talking and, talking therapy, even if you've been discharged from your local mental health team, have you been left contact details should you need to get on touch with them further? Could you go back to your GP and talk about the help that you still think you need? Similarly, keep talking to your family support group, your partner, Mum and Mother in Law so that they can escalate if and when appropriate, should you need extra profressional help and support.
Most of the women on this forum have experienced PP and so, we get it - please do keep on sharing as you need to and we will be there to support you anytime.
Take good care
x
Hi Hammj009
As already said, welcome. I’m so sorry to hear about the pain and devastation you’ve felt and the difficult feelings you’re still experiencing.
It is really good to hear though that you sound to have a very supportive family. Please know you are not burden and that people want to help.
Your message really struck a chord with me. I too suffered in silence with my (first experience of) PP in 2011. I only even realised I’d experienced PP when I discovered this forum. Until reading stories on this forum I genuinely believed I must be the only person to experience something like this! It was wonderful to connect with others who had similar experiences and realise this bewildering, frightening thing I’d gone through was an actual illness. What a relief. That was when my journey to wellness could really start.
I got PP again after my second son’s birth and it was a totally different experience. I remember so clearly hearing voices (not my own) advising me not to talk to anyone, thankfully I did the opposite. It was incredibly hard at first but got easier.Plus my family now recognised the signs I was ill and encouraged me to get help, which was wonderful. We all learnt so much from APP resources and general increased awareness about this illness! I saw multiple professionals this time to help assess me and ended up receiving outpatient support from a CPN at home. She helped me to produce a short written plan to understand my triggers for lowering mood/return of symptoms (triggers like lack of sleep, stress etc) and to know what action I could take to help me stay well (listen to music, spend time having fun with my boys etc) I wonder if producing something like that might be of help to you?
I think it is really great that, despite how you feel today, you took the positive step of posting on here from your bed. That shows courage and strength as other volunteers have already noted about you. I hope you will find the replies useful. Please believe that you will recover and get better from this horrible illness. And as others have said talking really can help. Your voice matters. Please reach out if you wish to as someone will always be here to listen.
Best wishes
Hello Hammj009
Just wondering how you have felt since you last posted?
Recovery from PP can be very stressful, so I hope you have thought about asking the mental health team to reopen your case, or ask your GP to re-refer you.
I remember being economical with the truth about how I was really feeling but as soon as I felt safe to be open and honest, my care team were there for me.
You really can’t help how you are feeling so please ask for the support you need to feel a bit better. It’s not easy at the moment with restrictions but just a phone call might restart the care you deserve ... please don’t suffer in silence.
Be kind to yourself .... we are all here to lean on.
Thank you so much! Sorry for my delayed reply. I had my first session with my new psychologist who was excellent and I have another this Friday. I’m still having bad days and relying on others a lot which I hate having to do. My son is nearly 1 and this is still going on! 😩
Helllo Hammj009
Good to hear from you. Never worry about replying, it’s only if and when you have time or feel like it. I’m sorry to hear you are still having bad days but hope as your sessions with your new psychologist continue, you will slowly feel better.
Try not to worry about relying on family, I’m sure they are delighted to look after your son and help when you need them. Perhaps to celebrate how far you have come you might have a ‘date night’ with your hubby .... at home for the moment. Be kind to yourself and remember how amazing you are. 😊
Hi Hammj009
Really glad to hear that you have been able to access some support with a new psychologist. The period of time after PP can be so difficult, and many of us here can really identify with the guilt and exhaustions that can come with depression. However, as so many supporters here have said - it's really OK to need to lean on your friends and family right now. You will gradually find your way out of these dark clouds, be kind and patient to yourself - as best you can.
I wondered if you might find our "Recovery Guide" helpful - lots of shared experiences and tips from other mums about this first year of recovery and beyond.
app-network.org/wp-content/...
Warm wishes
Naomi
Hi everyone,Just want to update you all. This week I’ve had the best week since my son was born a year ago. I worked 2 days and coped really well. I still have a long way to go but feel like I have sure made some progress. The feeling of being detached and dissociated from everything has gone!!
Thanks so much for all your kind words and support. This page is truly amazing!
Hello Hammj009,
I am pleased that you have had a good week.
My son is 10.5 years old, -if I reflect back on my son becoming a toddler I still struggled immensely.
Your path of recovery is going to be a unique journey of self reflection and trial and errors. Decission-making maybe still a difficult one and thus, it helps tremendously to be able to confine in loved ones and health professionals you trust.
We all suffered a traumatising illness and if you listen to those fabulous women on this forum their lived experiences with regards to treatment and journey of recovery can not always be compared, which often is reflected on locality, circumstances/lifestyle, individual make-up (genealogical/cultural/social etc).
I believe worsening of Psychosis, because of reoccurring Episodes could be inflicted due to inappropriate treatment and care, as it was in my case. I am so pleased that you were looked after together with your baby in the MBU. Unfortunately I have had not this option.
I believe that throughout any recovery, setting yourself tasks in stepping stones is of immense help. Try to talk about your emotions, I bottled it up for far too long until I found this marvellous forum.
Take good care of yourself and your family.
Happy Easter, stay safe x
Hello Hammj009
I hope you are still continuing to feel better and are having more good days than not so good. I think you’re amazing returning to work for a few days and coping really well 😊
I noticed that you are in Australia and wonder whether in addition to your psychologist, you might find support from Postpartum Support International at postpartum.net/? Under “International Resources” you will find info on co-ordinators with contact numbers and other organisations offering help.
Take good care of yourself.
Hello Hammj009
A few months on since you posted that you had the best week since your son was born. Just wondering how you are in Australia and hope you are coping at work.
PP mums are amazing ..... take care.
Thank you so much for checking in Lilybeth, I really appreciate it. I am continuing to improve and heading in the right direction slowly… it is really an eye opener about how slow recovery can be.
I worked 4 days this week. I am casual so can pick and choose my days when they are available, which is great, as I don’t think I could handle a permanent commitment to work at this stage.
I have noticed that I am now able to process what has happened to me (the ppp) as I previously haven’t really been able to.
Amongst all this, I do still struggle quite a bit from depression & anxiety at times, and I do have really tough moments and days, but I have great support from my husband and have learnt now finally to go easy on myself.
I have a psychiatrist review in a few weeks time.
I have thought about blogging to create awareness and help others but I’m not so sure, it might be a longer term plan.
So all in all, I am improving and heading in the right direction towards recovery from this horrible, horrible illness.
Thank you again so much!!
Hello Hammj009
Good to hear that you are continuing to improve although struggle a bit from depression and anxiety at times. I’m glad you have finally learnt to go easy on yourself. It’s not easy recovering from such an awful illness, coping at home and especially returning to work even if casually. You are juggling so many things and doing so well with family support.
During my recovery from PP I also suffered with depression and anxiety, like you, having tough moments and days. I think on such days it’s good to let those around you know how you feel so that you can talk and hear your thoughts ‘out loud’. Perhaps you could also keep a diary (just emoji faces) for those days, which might help you explain how you were feeling to your psychiatrist?
Although I have no idea about blogging, I think it’s good to create awareness. Just be sure that you leave a little time in your day for yourself.
There’s a brilliant resource “PP Soup” - a nourishing mix of all things postpartum psychosis at ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com/ written by a mum who experienced PP with input from other mums and professionals.
I don’t know whether you have heard of “Beyond Blue” which is a support group in Australia at beyondblue.org.au/. They have a clip of women talking about depression and anxiety which might be helpful? There is also a forum but I’m so glad you found us here 😊
I also found music a good outlet to brighten some days. Elton John’s “I’m still standing” is my rebuke to PP! Always remember what an amazing mum you are. I’m sorry I’ve rambled .... take very good care of yourself.
Hi Hammj009
.... Just to confirm the link to “PP Soup” is ppsoupdotcom.wordpress.com/
Be kind to yourself and take care.
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