Hi, this is the first time I have wrote on this page. So feeling a bite nervous.
I had PP in 2019, I then was hit with the depression after. I now feel like I am in a better place but, I still do not feel like myself.
I stayed in an MBU for 10 weeks, when I was discharged I found myself having a glass of wine each evening once the children where in bed. It felt like my release, from a hard day battling with all the darkness.
That one glass of wine grew into 2,3 then a bottle a night, only went I felt that tipsy feeling, I could relax.
It grew again as soon I wasnt getting that tipsy feeling after a bottle of wine so I moved onto spirits. Drinking around a litre in 4-5 days.
I never drink whilst the children are around, and never want to drink during the day. But as soon as the kids are in bef the first thing i do is pour my first drink.
If I dont drink for an evening, I am really agitated, angry and normally have a nightmare relating to PP. So I have a drink each night to stop that. It feels like the only time I can be happy, and relaxed.
I still do not have a bond with my baby, and still, after all the therapy, I still blame the baby for all of this. To be completely honest if someone offered to take him for good, I wouldnt think twice about it.
I dont really know what I am looking to get from this, but just writing it feels like a little weight of my shoulders.