Any advice please

[Walking45]

Hi I've been having trouble with my husband ever since our child was born. I've been staying at my parents for support after I got pyschosis. Now my partner has found accommodation for us to live and rent in that I haven't seen the inside of he drove me to the area after he agreed to take it and there are caravans near it parked up. My parents have been supportive and paying my part of the rent up to now...our daughter is now 16 months. He is very unsupportive and has a temper. He has now turned nasty as my parents cant keep paying €900 towards my rent and says they are basically awful people and loaded. I'm scared to move and be isolated and he wont listen to reason. * it probably sounds like I'm not well as I never mentioned this before but I am well just in an intolerable situation any advice welcomed. My parents wont be able to visit also as he has had run ins with them before. I've suggested different areas but he says we have no choice we have more to a rural area he also doesn't earn much. He also turns it all around as I've been unwell and says I'm illogical. I know this behaviour isn't ok it sounds silly but I'm scared to leave

[mikefff]

Hi my view is that 900 is a huge amount of money. How much does he pay himself? Did your parents agree to pay 900 before he signed the contract?

[mikefff]

Also... The illness you have is very serious. Further stress is the worse thing for you at the moment so maybe you should go back to parents and peace for a bit. If your parents can't pay and you go home will he then have difficulty finding somewhete to live? This might be what he's thinking. In which case you are in control really.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Hello Walking45,

there is always a solution to everything. Many ways in fact. However,

when poorly decission making can be extremely difficult.

How are you within yourself? If you come to the realisation that your situation is something you do not want to be in and you are in disagreement with your partner's/husband behaviour, then it is time to change.

I do agree with Mike. My partner also always highlights facts, we evaluate and then come to a compromise and implement changes. Here I have to admit that I have a backbone, somebody who is emotionally strong and takes actions into his own hands, but never without my agreement. It is about equality and working as a team.

It may help, if you just talk to your parents about various opportunities, if you want a way forward. In addition, coping with stressors after PPP is not easy, therefore it is best to be with friends and family you can rely on and trust.

Wishing you well and please do ask yourself what do I actually want? What is best for me and my baby?

x

[Walking45]

Hi everyone he has now signed the new contract and paid the deposit the rent is €1,200 in the new place. My parents offered to contribute but he refusing their money they had paid half of our old €1,800 rent but cant forever as they did last yr and half when I got I'll as they asked what to do to help. Hopefully can make it work there. We are both from a the same big city just a pity he wont move here

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

I hope things are a little easier for you. It is sometimes difficult for partners to share their true feelings and things are said in the heat of the moment which can be hurtful. You have both been through so much together. Perhaps you could find time to talk openly together and compromise in some way?

I remember how hard it was coming to terms with what had happened to me and at the same time trying to be a good mother and wife. Little did I know that my husband was also struggling at the time but didn't talk to me about it. Thinking of you ... take care.

[Walking45]

Thanks. Yes we have hopefully when we move things will get better. I will keep you updated

[Lilybeth Volunteer in reply to Walking45]

Thanks for replying Walking 45 .... I hope your move goes well and things get easier. Good to hear from you, take care.

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Wishing you well Walking45!

Take good care,

x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Spring is just around the corner 🌻 ... thinking of you and hope the move to your new place went / is going well. Take care.

[Walking45]

Thank you . Things are tough atm as my husband came around shouting at my family the other day and told them to stay away. Feel trapped in a not great situation...

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45 ..... sorry to hear you're not in a great situation at the moment. It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place, wanting to please your husband and also family, which is not easy when there is tension. Do you have a friend you could meet for a break? It must be very difficult and I hope you can find someone to confide in. Take care.

[Walking45]

I am contacting a counsellor as I'm self isolating as I've ashma to protect myself against Corona virus

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi Walking45,

That sounds really hard, things are quite difficult at the moment with the virus aren't they.

I'm sorry things are difficult with your husband and family.

I know you're in Ireland, perhaps this doesn't feel relevant, but just in case it is, you may find support from Women's Aid. You have probably heard of them already: womensaid.ie/

I am glad you have access to a counsellor, I hope that helps.

Take care, and know you can write on here for anything

Ellie X

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Thank you Walking45 .... it's a good idea to self isolate and protect yourself. I hope counselling will be helpful. Take care.

[Walking45]

Thank you...he has now moved all our things to s new house in a country area I didnt go up as I was horrified how he treated my parents after paying our rent for months. There is also the ongoing pandemic. I feel I will be totally isolated and I also dont drive. He wasn't nice to my parents and doesnt want to see them. All the mum and toddler groups are cancelled too so it's a very tough time. I am worried had he moved all my things and feel silly leaving him to it...feel I'm burying my head in the sand. He accepts no personal responsibility and I'm starting to see how he really is. He said recently I have an anxiety problem no wonder I ended up in a mental asylum...I dont feel strong enough to leave now..

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Recovering from PP is an ordeal in itself and moving house is one of the most stressful things. Do you think you could arrange an appointment with your GP in case there's a waiting list for counselling, or as suggested earlier make contact with Women's Aid? This must be a very worrying time for you as well as managing your asthma, so please reach out for support if you are not feeling strong enough. Take good care ... stay safe.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

I've been wondering how you are and hope you have support while you wait for counselling. Take care.

[Walking45]

Hi I'm still at my parents I haven't moved to the new place yet. Its very daunting at a time like this too .kept busy running after my daughter

[Ellie_at_APP Partner]

Hi walking5,

Things are so tough at the moment with the pandemic and then with your situation with your partner.

Can you talk with your parents? What do they feel about the situation with you and your partner? It’s so hard but I’d really trust your gut feeling with your partner, about what is the right thing to do.

I hope you can find support.

Take care , and do keep writing if you’d like xxx

[Walking45]

Hi thank you for the messages. They are heartbroken my parents as they are not sure if the situation will be resolved and how he will be with them now if the relationship is broken. I am finding it tough. I'm worried to move and have no gp set up when they inundated with calls,kids are being discouraged from shops too,he has never minded our daughter for a day alone so I worry if I got covid 19 and I've ashma too...

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Walking45

I'm sorry to hear how upset your parents are about your situation.

Perhaps when counselling begins you might be able to see a way forward as you will be able to talk openly about your feelings? I can understand your worries about moving if you have no gp set up. Do you think your husband could mind your daughter for a few hours if he hasn't been alone with her, just so you can be there and see the interaction?

It must be a strain for everyone so I hope you can take your time to weigh up your options for the best outcome. You have both been through so much together. Take care.

[Walking45]

Ya he was very annoyed they couldn't keep paying towards the rent and didnt seem to see their point of view at all...I'm sad as i would like them all to get on etc. I'm not sure what is best but I could give it one more chance

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

It's very hard when everyone has a different point of view and there is no easy answer. From my notes there was some family friction during my recovery which I was not aware of at the time. We did have a few bumps in the road but were eventually happy in our own family unit.

Take your time to be sure of what's best. Perhaps if you feel safe and strong enough you could give it one more chance .... hopefully you might have the support of a counsellor before too long? It's not easy, take care and please write again if it helps.

[Walking45]

Thanks and happy mothers day to all for tomorrow ❤

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Happy mothers day to you too ❤ Take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Just thinking of you and hope you are ok. Do you think counselling will be put on hold until the virus crisis is settled? Stay safe and take care.

[Walking45]

Hi I spoke with them & it helped a bit. Keeping busy here we were drawing with chalk and using play dough today great fun

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Thanks for taking time to reply. I'm glad talking to them helped a bit and that you had great fun today with your daughter. Take care and please write whenever you feel like it.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Just wondering how you are ...... thinking of you.

[Walking45]

Hi ,tks for your message . I'm good tks still down with my parents at moment as lockdown here

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45, Thanks for replying .... take care.

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

I hope you are coping at the start of another week in lockdown. Take care.

[Walking45]

Hello I am good. I am going to go down to where my husband is hopefully the weekend. I'm so used to being at home it feels a bit daunting. We are looking at it as a new start. I havent gone back to work yet and find myself thinking if I would like more children one day and how i would manage the anxiety after what happened last time. Our daughter is 19 months now time flies

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Thanks for taking time out to reply. I think it can be daunting venturing out after being at home for so long. Such a good way to look at it as a new start. Being out in the fresh air together as a family might perhaps bring you hope for the future? During my recovery we hit a few bumps in the road but went on to create lots of happy family memories.

It's not easy managing anxiety but try not to think too far ahead and just take a step a time. Mindfulness is a good tool to remind us of being in the here and now ... the present moment. I'm also finding chair yoga to be a good resource (I can't get down on a mat these days!) but it's a good way to focus and feel a sense of calm.

I hope you have a good weekend .... take care.

[Walking45]

Thank you for your reply. Yes I definitely like to think ahead alright ...mindfulness is definitely a good thing 😁

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45, I think mums are all the same at thinking ahead .... just try to take a minute or two to relax this weekend and be very proud of yourself.

[Walking45]

Thanks I will. Have a nice weekend. 😁

[Pikorua Volunteer]

Dear Walking 45,

sometimes we give ourselves names, which maybe o significance in our recovery time.

You are going to "walk" again Walking 45.

No doubt there will be lots of challenges ahead, but you have become stronger and survived a traumatising illness.

Whatever your path and your choice, I am wishing you well!

It maybe worthwhile looking at a support system within your new area such as professional support i.e. GP, local MH groups, organisation, charities, MIND etc.

Take good care x

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hello Walking45

Just wondering how you are since you last posted? I hope you are well and enjoying the sunny weather, if you have it in Ireland Take care.

[Walking45]

Hi ,thank you first your message. Watching a documentary about mental health on ch4 it had a segment about PPP. It's a tough watch but certainly interesting. I'm good thanks & my daughter is 2 in October time flies 🙃

[Lilybeth Volunteer]

Hi Walking45

Thanks for taking time to reply. I didn't see the documentary yesterday but find they can be challenging to watch. For me it's the sight of seeing young mums so poorly and affected by PP which makes me realise how ill and beyond reach I was for a while. I hope it wasn't too distressing for you.

Time is certainly flying and hopefully when your daughter is 2 in October there won't be as many restrictions in place. I know Ireland has some stunning scenery and amazing places to visit which I remember from childhood.

Lovely to hear from you ..... take care and stay safe.