Finally home

[kats1988]

After 7 long weeks in hospital on a section 3, I’ve been given a week’s home leave. And I’m already struggling.

The consultant was a new one, and he actually listened to me and removed the personality disorder diagnosis and said there was nothing wrong with my personality and when I am well I am a polite and sociable person so he said I definitely don’t have borderline personality disorder. Not saying if you’re not polite you have it, just quoting his words!

However, he also removed my bipolar diagnosis and replaced it with schizoaffective disorder (depressive type). I had a psychotic episode whilst in hospital and they said I lacked all insight and capacity and I had to be injected and sedated on a few occasions because I was so poorly. So he has put me back on my aripiprazole depot injection plus prescribed oral aripiprazole for 1 week every month when the depot wears off. As well as haloperidol PRN for if the voices come back.

I don’t know how to feel about the new diagnosis. On the one hand it’s good because I’ve finally got a diagnosis that seems to fit and not some half baked idea from the old doctor who was obsessed with personality disorders. However on the other hand, it’s a serious condition and I feel ashamed to have something like that.

At home I feel overwhelmed. Every single thing in this house is a reminder of my old life, and the lack of children here is so horrible. My bedroom is a total state. There are empty pill packets everywhere and clothes all over the floor. It reminds me of the state I was in before going to hospital and that makes me sad.

Whilst I was in hospital I smoked weed to numb all the pain out, and continually got drug tested and failed them. As soon as I got leave I bought codeine online and I can feel that my life is totally out of control and I am slipping back into my old ways. I haven’t smoked weed since I was 17, and I’m 30 next week, so I feel like I have failed. A girl offered me some and I loved how it made me forget everything for a while and just felt high, so now I’ve got that to deal with as well. Hopefully I can just stop as I don’t know anyone to get it from.

I really feel that postpartum psychosis has ruined my life. In 2016 I had everything, and now that’s all gone, and I couldn’t be more miserable if I tried. I’m so sad, if I could turn back time and change things I would. I don’t even feel like a mum anymore, I feel like a 30 year old unemployed (lost my job too) debt ridden drug addict. The hospital want me to go to an addiction place, to get help with the codeine addiction but I’ve refused and they put down “in denial”.

Sorry for this post, I know it’s just rambling but I needed to get it all out. I’m sorry xx

[Hannah_at_APP Administrator]

Hi kats1988, thanks for posting your update and letting us know how you’re getting on. We’ve been thinking of you and whilst it’s good to hear that you’re feeling more positive about the diagnosis you’ve now had, I’m sorry to hear that you are feeling so sad and overwhelmed. I hope that you can speak to a professional and get some help around using codeine and other drugs. It’s positive that you recognise that you may need some help and I would encourage you to try and accept this. Do you have a CPN now you’re home that you trust and can confide in? Please don’t feel ashamed of your diagnosis or the way you’re feeling. You’ve had a really tough time but with the right support you can turn things around. Take care, xx

[Hidden]

Hi Kat am so pleased that you have understood that you do not have schizophrenia or personality disorder. Schizo affective disorder is more in keeping with post natal psychotic depression. This is frustrating for you as you had the original diagnosis as part of post natal psychotic depression but since being in and out, you have given another label which frightens you. It is clear you have had so many problems with family life, and a complete change of circumstances, and now have problems with debt and addiction.

The codeine as a drug might well be affecting your mental health and dare I say some of the other drugs do have side effects which give rise to personality changes and mood swings. As all these financial problems have added to your anxiety and stress, may be you could contact step debt and other organisations which give online help with debt. There is a church linked debt charity, and also the Salvation Army which actually help people get back to work. As you need contact with your family - I do hope you are getting some help from them. As you like animals perhaps you could get some voluntary work with an animal charity?

[Hidden]

Hi Kat national debt-help government lets you fill in an online form and can arrange 1 low monthly repayment wit no upfront costs.

WWW.stepshange.org is very helpful.

If you are in mortgage arrears then your husband if it is joint names may have to contribute or if your name is first on the mortgage agreement then it is more your debt. Step debt may be able to advise you online about this.

Other advice if you have to sell the home, and it is in your name only may concern

being able sell to a company which buys up homes. As you are in the south,

you may be able to sort this at a later date. I do hope you can make the best of the week leave as this will be a test of your independence.

The Royal Society of Psychiatrists indicate that mental health problems can cause severe debt and severe debt can cause mental health problems, No need to reply. All the best- thank your lucky stars you can walk, talk, and can see and hear - and you are clever.

[Hidden]

Hi Kat - think you are feeling so hurt still. it is even difficult to talk - Think if you still have problems with the codeine may be you should take up advice on how to stop taking the stuff. Is it a bit like alcohol blurring your emotions because they are so raw? Do your have pain anywhere which is making you take them eg migraines. It is no surprise that this illness can take over two years to get over. The attitude of some staff is harder to get over but follow the guidelines on offer and it may help you. If you are concealing a physical pain may be you should open up about it. Thinking of you.

[Hidden]

Hi Kats - found an interesting post on the IBS network titled Reflux and Sore throat which was cured with levothyroxine within days. Cromwell 1 wrote the post which might to your info. Hope you are continuing to make headway. No need to reply.x