Psychosis in 2009...still haunts me but I'm sill going!

[Nickycherry01]

Hi All, I'm Nicky. In 2009 after giving birth to my first child I literally "popped" on day 9 and was sent to hospital in an ambulance, yelling and screaming. I was nursed at home but my husband and his parents but I was always treated like I was mental. A psychiatrist put me on Meds and it took about six months to return to normal. In 2011 after having my second child I admitted myself into a psychiatric hospital as I could feel another psychosis coming. This one was nipped in the bud before it ever really started. I shared my experiences with my psychiatrist and spoke about a feeling of literally vibrating in another dimension... I felt very intouch. It was a frightening supernatural experience for me, which the psychiatrist says is a common feeling amongst psychosis sufferers. The experience split my husband and I and he unfortunately used my mental health against me to try to alienate me from the children. I feel lonely and depressed but am still trying to rebuild my life and my confidence. To you reading this, I wish you every success with recovery and think you are healing nicely if you are brave enough to read other women's experiences xx much love, Nicky x

[Hazello Volunteer]

Hi Nicky, welcome to the forum! You mention feeling lonely and depressed, are you receiving any support?

It's such an isolating illness, I certainly have felt very lonely at times however I have found reading about other women's experiences I have been able to say "me too" which has helped me to feel understood. I hope that you are able to find some encouragement from this forum too.

I had PP after the birth of my son in 2016 however have left my job in Oct 2017 after coming to the conclusion that I didn't have enough reserve left to deal with the stress of work.

I had a spiritual moment during my psychosis too, I felt really connected with God at one point, as well as the conviction that I knew everything there was to know about midwifery! I have to admit even in the distress I quite liked that feeling the mania gave me of knowing everything.

I too am working on building my confidence at the moment, it's hard when you don't feel you can completely trust your brain anymore. However I still have hope that things can and will get better- for both of us.

Hazello x

[Nickycherry01 in reply to Hazello]

Thanks Hazello, your response has really lifted me. This is the first time I've ever posted about my experience and didn't think others would be that interested. It's lovely to feel I've got a bond with someone. I have reached out for help, so far I've received help from Splitz and the Richmond Fellowship but I've never felt truly understood by anyone. That's so interesting to hear about your spiritual connection, its fascinating. Much love, Nicky x

[Hazello Volunteer in reply to Nickycherry01]

I think because PP is such an unusual illness and people don't talk about having psychosis it makes you feel like the only one in the world. I'm glad to hear you've reached out for help, you're not alone.

Hazello

[Hidden]

Hi and I must say how brave you are to share your story. I too am still haunted by being ill at the beginning of 2016 when I gave birth to my daughter but am desperately trying to keep myself occupied as that seems to help distract me from memories and negative thoughts. I’m hoping In time these will fade and I am able to get on with life. I have been trying hard to be physical and you may have seen I have been running everyday in January. I’ve found this to be good for my mental health aswell as physical. Do you have any interests that perhaps you can build on to distract you from your memories and the tough time you had?

Be kind to yourself. We are all very brave women and it’s ok to not be ok at times x

Beth x

[Nickycherry01 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Beth, thanks for your reply I love what you said about its OK not to be OK. I feel like I've not been OK for so long. That's a great idea about having distractions to help me through. I'm in awe of you that you go running, I'd love to do that. I never feel I have enough energy. I did go out and rescue a gorgeous doggy who's helped me get out of the house. You're very brave being on here so soon after your experience, you're clearly a strong woman xx much love, Nicky x

[Hidden in reply to Nickycherry01]

Things are still tough and I do have bad days still but I always keep in my head what a very good friend who I met on the ward said to me . She said thoughts and feelings are ‘transient’ and change over time so however bad you feel in the moment always remember that you will feel different in the next hour, day or week 😉 x x

[Hidden]

Hello Nicky,

welcome to the forum and thank you so much for your summative account. You certainly have had a tough ride throughout the last few years. It is lovely talking to you and I am happy for you that you found this forum.

I felt very lonely for many years until I discovered this social site. Lonely in the sense that I did not feel understood and only here did I discover compassion. It helps so much to interact and not being misunderstood. Just to share, listen and talk!

I am so sorry to hear that your relationship had fallen apart. Do you have a support network such as being able to talk to a friend, family member, professional support?

I have had PPP in 2010 and was sectioned. The Psychiatric Unit was not a very good experience, but once released I was looked after full time by my partner and a team of professionals via Somerset partnership. My direct family was too distraught and unable to support my partner. It is a horrific illness and some people have their head screwed on and manage to become "care takers" - mega strong!!!

I believe, because of my traumatising experience in hospital with acute PPP and loosing 2 family members short after did slow down my recovery quite drastically.

Perhaps this year is a new start for you and maybe you could put your feelers around and see what is available in your locality and/or find activities you enjoy. Apparently it is important to connect with others, because socialising is good for your mental health, too. I am still learning, because of my social phobia...

I still struggle with severe fears and anxieties and participated in group therapies 2 years after PPP. I re-found my meditation and yoga skills and go once a week to a class. In my area there is an arts centre, who offer some good events. Mind has gained quite a bit of governmental funding and run quite a few programmes again, which is worthwhile looking into. I am also painting a lot, which I started, because of Insomnia.

Anyhow, these are just a few ideas...the glass gets half full again, -promise...Mindset and willpower is quite difficult when feeling low, but remember you do not have to be on your own. Journalising on here is a good start.

Bye, look after yourself

[Nickycherry01 in reply to Hidden]

Hi Jasa,

Many thanks for your reply. I'm sending you a virtual hug as I can't imagine how scary that must have been for you to be sectioned at such a traumatic time. I remember being in hospital waiting to hear if they were going to section me and I was terrified. I've had wonderful friends around me but none have experienced anything like what we've been through. I've got a brilliant mental health buddy who has had experiences similar to ours so she is a god send. I wish we were all close enough to each other to be able to meet up regularly, that's what I really need. Left on my own, I seem to hide away from life. My doctor has recently increased my Meds. I'm terribly sad that I have lost my partner and my children because of my mental health. I don't have the children but only at weekends. I'd love to have a partner for cuddles and to feel loved. Take care, Nicky

[Helen_84 Volunteer]

Hi Nicky,

Thank you for sharing your experience with us, it sounds like a terrifying experience. I suffered with PP during labour in 2015 and can relate to so much of what you say. PP is such an alienating experience, especially when it comes so out of the blue. The first time I posted on here it was felt like a lifeline - being able to connect to people who could fully understand what you are going through. It sounds like you know yourself very well and it’s impressive that you were able to nip it in the bud so quickly the second time around!

So sorry to hear that you split from your husband and don’t see your children as often as you like - that sounds incredibly difficult on top of what you have been through. Mental illness can be devastating for so many reasons. I am positive that the work that APP does to raise awareness of PP is helping to reduce the stigma associated with it. I am very lucky in that most people I have told are really supportive, but it has been a struggle and took me a while to be able to be so open with it.

I suffered with PND as well, I know when you are in the midst of depression it seems never ending. I found every day a struggle and the smallest of tasks mentally exhausting. My confidence was zero too, as Hazello has said it took a long time to accept my brain did ‘that’. Although I think I am still coming to terms with the fact that it could do it again!

Time is a great healer though, and 2 half years on things are very different. I now view PP as part of my life, it makes up part of who I am and that isn’t a bad thing! Life is experiences, the good and the bad, and they shape us into the people we are. I definitely am more self aware and have much greater understanding and empathy for people who struggle with anxiety, lack of confidence and depression chronically, something I never fully got before PP.

Sending you a virtual hug, I know it may not seem it, but in time you will feel less lonely and depressed. Kindness flows through your replies, I hope you can be as kind to yourself - you deserve it. Xxx

[Nickycherry01 in reply to Helen_84]

That's a beautiful reply, thank you xxx

[Nickycherry01]

Good night all x thanks for the feeling of having unmet sisters out there x

[Hidden]

Hi Nickycherry01,

how are you?

Thinking of you.

x