How do you explain to people after you've done some outrageous things and how do you come back from it all...loss of confidence being the worst and no self esteem as I feel branded the crazy one now For the rest of my life...no job due to all of above.feeling very low today guys ...sorry!
Can postpartum psychosis really take ... - Action on Postpar...
Can postpartum psychosis really take your life away?
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Beckles30
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LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
So sorry to hear you're struggling today which is understandable from what you are going through. Recovery is very up and down. I think when you reflect about what happened during the psychosis it's very hard to believe you were that person and did unthinkable things. That's how it was for me anyway.
As hard as it is to believe right now, you will come back from it all. I was a shell of my former self for ages. Although I did nothing wrong, in a way I think I had to forgive myself. Try to turn your thoughts around and accept that you have been to the lowest point but have had the courage to fight for the sake of your daughter.
As you slowly rebuild your confidence perhaps you might feel like getting back into work but don't put pressure on yourself. I had very little confidence about socialising and returning to work. I found that going through an agency to do temporary work was a good stepping stone for me. I was able to choose hours to suit and eventually was offered permanent employment which boosted my confidence and socialising skills over time.
You have so many things on your plate so try not to judge yourself. In time your thoughts about being 'crazy' will fade to be replaced by feeling proud of how much you have done since. We're unique Beckles ..... having been to hell and back and still standing!
I hope you've been able to confide in your mum for comfort today as you're feeling so low. Be very gentle with yourself and take good care. Sending you a hug 
Kat_at_APPVolunteer
Sending lots of love Beckles xx I know you don’t feel like it right now - but trust me you are an absolute Wonder Woman. You are NOT the crazy one. You have survived a horrendous illness and come out the other side, in the face of a whole bunch of other cr*p too.
We are all here for you, whatever you need - when you don’t believe in yourself we believe in you for you xx
Hannah_at_APPAdministrator
Hi Beckles30
I’m sorry to hear things are so hard at the moment. Please try to remember this is not your fault! The feelings you describe are absolutely natural. I honestly think there is no explaining some of it but I too remember trying to rationalise it.
I know when I had pp, 8 years ago now, in many ways the hardest bit was not the Psychosis and the “crazy stuff” but the long recovery afterwards and feeling like I’d been shattered into a million tiny pieces and I had no idea how and where to start piecing it all back together. Back to being “me” again, as a person, friend, Mum, everything really.
My confidence too was absolutely shot. I was like a shell of a person looking back, getting through the days and weeks as best I could and feeling like it was all a massive struggle. But I did get through it and whilst things are hard and I know this is especially true for you, please believe that you can get through this.
Keep talking to us here if it helps and do whatever you feel you can and want to. I know it sounds easy, and I know it’s not, but you can do it. Try to be kind to yourself where you can. For me it was tiny things which then grew and those pieces did come back together.
Thinking of you, xx
Thank you all for your kindness and support through this...got 2 buses to see a friend, trying so hard to keep myself busy and around others. Xx
Lilybeth your so right about the forgiving yourself bit....I feel like I've done so much wrong when really I've just been struck down by an illness 😞
LilybethVolunteer
That's right isn't it Beckles ..... we might have crossed a line or two without knowing it but PP is so controlling that we had no choice and it wasn't our fault. You didn't do anything wrong and like all of us were struck down by what is such an awful illness. So over time when I've reflected on my 'crazy days' I know better now that it wasn't 'me'.
You are so resilient when you consider the treatment you have gone through to get your mental health back on track!
So glad that you went to such lengths at this busy time of year to get buses to see your friend. It's always good to meet for a chat and catch up isn't it? Keeping busy is a good way to keep your negative thoughts at bay. Hopefully you will begin to realise, as I did, that if we were in our 'right minds' there's no way we would have done what we did.
I think it's time to forgive yourself Beckles and be proud that in spite of being dragged through the hedge by PP you stood up and have fought to be well again. Your confidence will return and you will begin to feel much better about yourself even though you are coping with so much at the moment.
Be good to yourself and please keep 'talking' here if it helps. It's always good to hear from you.
Hi Beckles30
Sorry to hear you’re feeling low today. I agree with you about the illness robbing us of our confidence and self esteem, I also felt guilty, ashamed, lonely and isolated and could not talk about it for years.
I can assure you however, life does get easier but it takes time. Just take one day at a time you will gradually pick up the pieces and will feel strong again.
Anyway, you have many caring people to talk to on this forum who are here to help you through. My very best wishes to you. Vee xx
Thank you Vee that's very comforting to hear, just nice to hear reassuring words from people who been where I am and know it slowly gets easier. Xx
Thank you all...talking to everyone keeps me going and continuing to fight this devastating illness!
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
This is a great place to talk ..... you're so strong to keep fighting and you will be well again.
Take good care. We are always here to listen.
Thank you lilybeth x
LilybethVolunteer
You're very welcome Beckles. I hope you have been ok today. x
Kat_at_APPVolunteer
How did your day go Beckles? Do DM me if you want to xx Wishing you and your family a very merry Christmas xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you and hope you're ok.
Take care. xx
Hey Lilybeth
Thank you for thinking of me....I'm okay, a bit low since coming home from seeing my daughter and just get so frustrated about my lack of confidence....trying everything to get it back but it's a very slow process! How was your Christmas? I hope you had a good couple of days xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles
Thanks for taking the time to reply. I imagine it's understandable to feel low after seeing your daughter and coming home. Try not to be hard on yourself ..... you have been coping with so much and it takes time to rebuild confidence but you will do it. Taking two buses to see your friend recently took a lot of confidence, so you're getting there
I had a good Christmas, thanks for asking ..... there was even snow!! Take care and keep in touch as we are all behind you. xx
Hello Beckles,
the illness causes like a huge grey curtain and one can not see through it, because hallucination, fears and anxieties are taking over. I was swept under a huge cloud, when in hospital. However, the medication was essential to recover from PPP.
My path was long and winding and my partner had to look after me full time. As you mentioned loosing confidence and being unable to recognise oneself was a huge personal struggle for me. Eventually I was re-discovering and re-establishing lost skills through group therapy.
You have experienced so much, but from your notes I can establish that you are a great fighter, too. I am absolutely amazed about you taking two buses. Well done!
We are here for you and thinking of you.
x
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you and hope you find lots of strength and support for next week.
Take good care of yourself and remember how much courage you have had to come so far
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow and hope you have support around you. Just remember what a great mum you are.
Take very good care of yourself at such a challenging time ....try to tap into your inner strength. Sending you a hug
Wishing you well, Beckles 30.
x
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I hope you have had a good weekend.
Take care .... we are all here for you.
How are you Beckles30? We are thinking of you.
Wishing you well. x
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you today and hope you are ok.
Take care
Hi Lilybeth....sorry I’ve been so quiet lately...right now I’m going through mediation and court battle to get more access/contact with my daughter. I had to have supervised access with dads family for months which I found hard...finally got access supervised for 3 hrs without any family in a contact Centre which went well....waiting for next step now I have jumped through the hoops! It’s a very tough and difficult time but slowly I am finally seeing some progress with my contact.
Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles30
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply .... please don't apologise as it's only if and when you feel like it
It must have been very tough jumping through all the hoops to get to where you are now. How lovely that you had access to your daughter .... such a special time for you both. I'm really pleased things are slowly moving forward with your contact. Never forget what a great mum you are, having so much courage to battle on for the love of your daughter.
Take really good care of yourself as you must have been under so much stress lately. We are all beside you with our support.
Xxx
Thank you so much for your support xxx
LilybethVolunteer
We're here for you xxx
Jocelyn_at_APPPartnerAPP
Hi Beckles30,
I can't even imagine what you are going through but I'm glad you are getting to spend some time with your daughter. You are definitely a strong woman and the fact you are jumping through so many hoops shows how dedicated you are to your daughter.
Look after yourself. Xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I hope you are having a good weekend ....... thinking of you. Take care. xxx
Me, too! Thinking of you Beckles30.
Do you have kind people around you and some sort of support network? It is such a difficult road...remember you are not on your own...
Much love,
x
Hannah_at_APPAdministrator
Thinking of you Beckles30, we are all rooting for you xx
Thank you Jasa & Hannah 😊 xxx
Finally saw my daughter for 6hrs unsupervised yesterday which was so nice! I’m still in the middle of mediation and court process but things seem to be slowly progressing! I still find it extremely hard going through all this heartache and handover at the contact Centre made me feel like a criminal but I know I’m better so just gotta keep going and fight for my daughter!
I’m seeing my daughter again on Tuesday for another 6hrs on IOW unsupervised 😊 looking forward to that and just keeping her mind the whole time to keep me pushing myself forwards and looking at the positives!
Thank you guys for all your support and kindness! Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Becles30
Wow! So happy for you both It's good to hear that you are so positive now and feeling better.
I think keeping your daughter as your focus will help you cope with all the formalities and give you strength, even though it must be heartbreaking for you at times. It might be slow progress jumping through all the hoops but it's lovely that you can look forward to being together again on Tuesday.
We're all with you ..... take good care. Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you ........ wishing you a very happy time today with your daughter
Asking myself the same question today and more....Can PP take your life and your child away?!
Not been with my daughter now for 10 months and words cannot describe the pain and emptiness I feel...I’m trying so hard to be strong to fight all this but sometimes there still seems to be no light at the end of this dark tunnel....I just want to be back with my daughter! Why is this justice system like it is....I’ve done nothing wrong yet my daughters father is always holding all the cards and now stopped contact altogether after I had a very positive 6hrs unsupervised....in tears right now because this just all seems so wrong! I just want to be a mum again....why does this illness take that all away from me?....I’m so much better now but still no daughter!
Sorry just having a bad day and needed to get it off my chest!
Still fighting hard but it’s two steps forward 4 steps back!
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
So sorry to hear you're having a bad day but it's good to get it off your chest. It does seem so unfair that you haven't seen your daughter in so long and I can't imagine how painful that must be for you.
If you can, try to hold on, as going through mediation and the court process can't be easy but you have done everything right so there is hope. You have come so far and it has taken a great deal of courage and fighting spirit. There must be some sort of court procedure that your daughter's father has to follow ..... he can't hold all the cards as you are, and always will be, her mommy.
Is your mum with you for support? It must be so hard but try to lean on the support around you as well as here on the forum. This has been a bad day for you but hopefully after a good night's sleep you will feel more positive.
Take good care of yourself ........ thinking of you and sending a hug xx
Thank you Lilybeth...I have mediation again next Friday and may hopefully get to see my daughter again after that....if not I will hope that the court hearing will be sooner! I’m on my own today but have friends at the end of the phone...thank you so much for taking the time to reply, your kind words & support is much appreciated! Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles
Sorry for late reply .... I had an internet problem 
I really hope you will be able to find a way forward in mediation next Friday and see your daughter after that. It's good that you have friends at the end of the phone to support you when needed and we are always here, virtually, too.
Please never hesitate to get things off your chest here as it must be very stressful for you. You have been dignified and amazing in your fight for access to your daughter and we are all here to listen anytime you would like to talk.
Thinking of you ...... take really good care of yourself. We are all with you 100% Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Just wondering if the mediation meeting went ahead on Friday? I hope you are ok and have support around you. We are here for you. Sending you a hug Xxx
Hello Beckles30,
we are thinking of you. Wishing you well.
Hi Jasa and Lilybeth....thank you so much for thinking of me! 😊Mediation on fri was very hard but went okay...contact is supposed to recommence this Saturday but I have a horrible feeling it will not go ahead as there’s been a lot of back tracking happening at the moment....I am still attending court on July 11th as progress is extremely slow...had 3 mediation sessions and only seen my daughter once on my own and not seen her for past 4 weeks!...still trying to stay strong and determined to get the shared contact order I deserve!
Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really hope contact will go ahead on Saturday. It must be very hard for you but please hold onto the hope that things should go your way and you will see your daughter soon. You have been very strong to cope with everything and deserve the shared contact you are fighting so hard for.
Take really good care of yourself .... we are all here to lean on Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you and really hope contact will resume today.
We are all wishing you a good day .... take care. Xxx
Kat_at_APPVolunteer
I’ve got everything crossed for you Beckles, that contact restarts today and you have a lovely time together. Thinking of you xxx
Hi all..thank you for your lovely messages,sadly contact has been stopped for a second time....so upset and frustrated! Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles
That must be heartbreaking for you. I'm really sorry and hope you have support around you and friends on the phone. It's not easy but try to stay positive although it's so unfair. You have been really strong ..... take very good care of yourself. Sending you a hug Xxx
Jenny_at_APPPartner
Hi Beckles
I’m so sorry to hear contact wasn’t restarted. I hope you’re ok and being well supported, as lilybeth says it’s so unfair. Stay strong, keep looking forward, we’re all here for you.
Jenny xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Thinking of you and hope you are ok. Take care. xx
Hi Lilybeth!...thank you! How are you?
I am feeling very positive & happy today as I finally have my baby girl over night!...it’s been a year since her dad took her away! 😞 got court again on 29th Aug, I now have my daughter for weekend every fortnight until court.
Hi Beckles30!
What a great update .... it must be such a relief that you can have your daughter for a weekend every fortnight. I'm so happy that you are feeling very positive and happy after such an uphill struggle.
I'm well, thank you, and your news has made my day! Take good care of yourself ... we are all here to support you. You're an amazing mum
I’ve never had postpartum psychosis but have had psychosis on about 8 occasions in my life due to bipolar. I find it hard that people may think I’m crazy but friends that love you will still love you just the same. I have so many friends and colleagues at work I work in a professional job it is possible to recover from psychosis fully it just takes time. Funnily enough it’s those closest to me parents for example that can’t let me move on everyone else treats me normally
Hello Beckles30,
I am so extremely happy for you that you can have your baby girl every two weeks for a weekend.
It has been such a long term struggle, -
we are thinking of you,
look after yourself...
x
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles30
Thinking of you and hope you are well. Take care x
Thank you Lilybeth, I’m just on my way to collect my daughter for weekend contact, take her back tomoz at 2pm.
Things have been difficult lately just because I miss my daughter so much and worry about the future and the outcome of the final hearing. Trying to stay strong and very plsd to be seeing my daughter again but I do find two weeks a long time to wait each time 😞
Thank you for thinking of me 😊
Xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles30
Thanks for taking time out of your busy day to reply on your way to collect your daughter.
I can't imagine how tough it must be for you to wait each time. You have been so strong. I know it's so difficult but try not to think too far ahead and enjoy these precious times together. I'm sure your daughter is looking forward to seeing her mummy again.
It's not easy but try not to be negative as your loving care and daughter's happiness with you must surely go a long way in any decision. I hope you can lean on the support around you when you are worried. Perhaps rachellea2007 who offered help under her thread "I got my boys back!" might offer some reassurance.
Stay strong and have a great weekend Take care. Xx
Thank you Lilybeth yes I know your right i try to stay positive it’s just hard sometimes I have too much thinking time! It’s very lovely having my daughter overnight again! 😊 I did speak to Rachellea2007 the other day and it was really nice and very helpful too!
Xx
LilybethVolunteer
How lovely to have your baby girl sleeping over She must be so settled and happy with you. It's been a big challenge but you have come through so much and should be very proud of yourself. I'm glad you have been in touch with Rachellea2007 and she was nice and helpful. Perhaps you could meet up with your friend for a chat next week?
In the meantime have a lovely time with your treasured daughter. We are always here to listen. Xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles30
Thinking of you. I hope you are ok with good support around until you have the joy of time with your daughter again. Take care Xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I hope you are ok and trying to stay positive about the final hearing later this month. I think you are a great mum taking on all the challenges to spend time with your daughter. Take care Xx
Hi Lilybeth
Thank you for your lovely message, I’m okay and yes trying to stay positive, I have my daughter this weekend which I’m looking forward to! I will PM you a little more later on...thanks again your support and encouragement it means a lot!
Beckles xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles
Good to hear that you're ok and trying to stay positive. How lovely that you will have your daughter this weekend .... such precious times and hopefully more access in the future which you both so deserve. Take care xxx
Remember its an illness x
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles30
I hope you had a lovely weekend and have support around you until the next time your baby girl sleeps over We are all thinking of you .... take care. xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Take care Beckles30 and try to stay positive. You're a great mum xxx
Feeling very empty today and worrying about everything too much....have so much stress atm! really missing my daughter so much..sorry just having a down day and thought I’d get it off my chest on here!
Xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
Really glad you've come to get things off your chest. It must be so hard for you and I'm sorry you're having a down day. You have had so much to cope with and not seeing your daughter must be heartbreaking. Try if you can to believe in yourself .... what a great mum you are and have fought so hard to see your daughter.
Sometimes the worries pile up don't they and get stuck in your head? Is there anyone at home with you, or perhaps a friend to meet to let it all out? I know my stress is nowhere near anything you are experiencing but if I'm feeling stressed I usually take myself to the shops, somewhere busy and bustling, to take my mind off my worries. I think if it's quiet in the house the thoughts might sometimes bring you down and so it's better to be around people.
We are all virtually beside you Beckles and want so much for things to change for the better. Please keep writing here if it helps or perhaps you can ring a friend to keep you company today? Take very good care. xxx
Thank you Lilybeth yes your absolutely right...I distracted myself by going out on my bike to a friends and spent a couple of hours there. I have court in a few weeks time so it’s all getting on top of me atm, I am seeing my daughter on Friday for weekend again so I am looking forward to that...just find the two weeks in between really hard as I miss her so much and just want her back with me!
I am going to friends again tomorrow so hopefully that will take my mind off things.
Thank you so much for being there for me it’s really appreciated! 😊
Beckles xx
Lovely to hear from you Beckles. I'm glad you spent time with a friend today and will be going out again tomorrow. With everything happening in the background you need a lot of support around you. It's not long until Friday now so it must be exciting to think you will be seeing your daughter soon.
Always here to chat and listen when you need us. Thinking of you .... have a good sleep. xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I hope you are a a little more settled tonight and have a relaxing sleep. Here for you .... take care. xxx
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles
Wishing you a lovely time with your daughter Mind how you go and take care. xx
Hello Beckles,
just catching up on forum news.
Thinking of you,
wishing you a lovely day with your daughter.
Look after yourself
Beckles30 in reply to
Thank you Jasa! Xxx
Postpartum psychosis does take your life away...I’m living proof of this....all because of this horrid illness my life has been destroyed. I’ve lost my daughter and have to travel miles every other week just to spend some time with her for weekend....I’ve gone through a years court battle And being penalized for having had a mental illness....so so unfair! I did what was In my daughters best interest and got help because I was ill now I can’t have my daughter back! Where do I go from here....I really don’t know!
LilybethVolunteer
Hi Beckles
I'm so sorry .... you must be distraught as you have done everything possible with dignity for the love of your daughter. It is so unfair but please lean on the support around you as this must be so difficult. It's very hard but try to stay strong and positive. I hope you have a friend you can speak to on the phone or company tonight. Take really good care of yourself. We are all thinking of you. xx
Jenny_at_APPPartner
Hi Beckles
I’m so sorry to read this, it’s so very unfair. I too hope you have good support you can lean on.
You’re an amazing mum, Beckles, always putting your daughter first, and you continue to show such great strength.
We’re all here for you and thinking of you.
Sending you love,
Jenny x
Thank you Lilybeth and Jenny xx
I’m with my mum atm as feeling very low since dropping my daughter off today.
It’s soul destroying and I just Feel so heartbroken when I have to say goodbye each time. Xx
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
I'm glad that you are with your mum for support. It's very understandable that you are heartbroken and it must be the same for your mum to say goodbye to her grandaughter.
You are a great mum not only for fighting such a traumatic illness but going the extra mile to be with your daughter, who must miss you too, as you are and always will be her mummy. Please take care of yourself .... try and rest tonight. I hope you will be able to stay with your mum until you feel stronger or meet friends if your mum is at work.
I know it's not much consolation atm but we really are all thinking about you. xx
Jenny_at_APPPartner
I can only imagine I hope your mum is looking after you and you can get some rest tonight.
Look after yourself and don’t lose hope that things will get better xx
Hannah_at_APPAdministrator
Hi Beckles30, I just wanted to write and say I’m thinking of you. Things sound so awful for you at the moment, I hope you were able to rest and gain some comfort from being with your Mum last night. Take care, we are all thinking of you and wishing you well. Xx
Feeling very low today, how do you come to terms with the fact that you’ll never be with your baby again? I’ve fought so hard to be reunited with my daughter and now I will only ever see her every two weeks and phone calls 3 times a week....I feel so empty lost and broken atm, postpartum psychosis and my ex partner has destroyed my life....so so heartbroken 😪...no job, no child and no life!
I wish someone would take this pain away!
LilybethVolunteer
Hello Beckles30
You really have been through the mill and I'm sorry to hear how low you feel today. You have fought so hard. I think you have been judged unfairly due to PP. Perhaps in the future you will be entitled to extended access and more contact with your daughter.
Is your mom with you tonight for support? It must be soul destroying but please hold on to what you have for now. Your daughter must be so excited to be with you at weekends and you have that time together to look forward to. It must be an awful pain to bear and I hope you will be safe tonight. Please write again if it helps or can you possibly phone your friend and arrange to meet tomorrow as an outlet for your feelings? Thinking of you ... take care. xx
Thank you Lilybeth xxx
LilybethVolunteer
You're so welcome ..... sending you a hug. It's must be so hard but please stay strong, you're a great mum .......
Hannah_at_APPAdministrator
Hi Beckles30, this sounds so hard and I wish we could take away your pain. You have fought so hard and it must feel so hopeless for you but please try and be kind to yourself - none of this is your fault. You had an illness and you have given your all to get better for your daughter - as Lilybeth says, those weekends will be something for you both to look forward to and treasure. And there may be ways for things to change in the future with more access. Were Citizens Advice or similar able to signpost you any more for that specialist support?
We’re all here for you and wishing you well over the virtual world of the forum. I hope you have someone you can talk to and spend time with tomorrow too, maybe that trusted friend? And that you can get some rest tonight. Never hesitate to write here and please know you are in our thoughts, sending you good wishes and massive hugs. Take care, xx
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