How I felt a year ago.

[angviolet]

Hi everyone, hope you are all doing okay. My daughter is 1 now. I just wanted to say in case anyone is experiencing PP right now, that when I had it, I thought to myself, oh my god, this is what being a mother is like, what have i done? this is horrible, I'm terrible at this. The baby has nappy rash and it's my fault, the baby is crying and its my fault, the baby has jaundice and its my fault, I'm a hopeless breastfeeder and it's my fault, i felt everything was due to my being useless and not a good mother. it got to a point where i was too exhausted to function, I hadn't slept restfully for a couple of hours in a row for weeks and nothing was working anymore, most of all my mind. I completely lost my appetite, I was riddled with anxiety and ashamed of my inabilities, I was rapidly losing weight, sweating all the time, feverish, sore, I thought i had an infection, my mind would not stop, i was obsessing about everything, and most of all I thought I was doomed forever to feel that way, that scared me more than anything, I didn't know what was wrong with me, i started to get paranoid and think my family were having a good old laugh at how hopeless I'd turned out to be as a mum. I just wanted to disappear, I needed a break from myself and my repetitive thoughts before I did something serious. when i shut my eyes i only saw dark scary images of death, my dying or me dropping the baby or the baby being in danger from me. in the middle of the night i would google what i was feeling and i found postpartum psychosis and every symptom i read was what i was experiencing. after being in hospital for 2 weeks i was made to sleep 8 hours a night with heavy medication and after 2 weeks of rest i slowly crept out of it and with the help of medication and formula feeding i was able to continue sleeping at night for 3 months, if my husband wasn't able to help me with night duty I think I would have gone back to not sleeping at all and it would have come back, if I didn't have help I would not have been able to be on the olanzapine 20mg which made me sleep at night because I would not have been confident i'd wake up to my daughter. anyway if I didn't go to hospital 3 weeks post partum, i would have just continued to not sleep and stay up all day and all night worrying about the baby and I would have lost my mind even further and gone further into the depths of psychosis. If I didn't have my husband, i wouldn't have been so lucky to get better. I still haven't lost all the weight I gained and that makes me feel crap about myself, i hate being this overweight and it affects my confidence. But its a work in progress, at least I am so much better and doing okay as a Mum. Long story short, I never thought I'd get better, and I did get better. I feel really sorry for any mum that experienced this worse that me, and there are so many. Not really a point to my post, but thought I'd share in the hope that it might make someone feel less alone because when I was in the depths of it, I felt so alone, and the nurse kept saying, you're going to get better, I've seen this before and everytime she said it i couldn't believe there were other people that had felt the way i felt, i was 100 percent sure i was the only one that could be this crap.

[BlueVelvet51]

It is reassuring to know what you want through and that a year on you havecome out the other side. Thank you for sharing your story and giving people like myself hope and a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you and well done you

[Hidden]

Thank you for your kind words, Angviolet. I believe sharing your story will help mums on this forum.

Look after yourself, too.

Sabine

[angviolet in reply to Hidden]

Thanks Sabine. You too.

[MaryMary007]

Hi Angviolet, really great post, when you are going through PP you really do think that it will never end and that you will feel that way forever, can totally relate to what you are saying. I remember thinking everything was my fault, I was losing my mind quickly and was at rock bottom. The good thing is I came through it, for all other mums going through this horrible illness I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. Re the Olanzapeine, I was also on 20mg and used go into a deep sleep, I always felt like a zombie the next day with no energy, I am still struggling to lose the weight.....It's not fair we have to struggle with the weight after everything we have been through!! but heh it will eventually disappear I hope!! Anyway I'm only on 2.5mg of Olanzapeine now and I am hoping to come off it shortly. Wishing you the very best of luck and thanks for sharing your story x Nickey

[angviolet in reply to MaryMary007]

Thanks Nickey! Yup the Olanzapine is a bitch. I gained weight sooo quickly, but then again I'd lost a lot of weight reallly quickly from the PP initially so that would have contributed too. I was sooooooooo ravenously hungry. Went from a size 10 to a size 16 in a few months! I thought the weight would fall off once I came off the medication but now way, but as a stay at home mum I also eat more being at home and I don't exercise nearly as much as I used to ! struggling to find that determination within myself to reach my weight goals!! But I know I will get there, it's just taking a while! Thanks for you're reply and hope you are well xo

[Diptfordblue]

Today, this has helped me! Thank you. I'm not a new Mom I'm a new Grandma, but my daughter in law has PPP. I have just had 2 hour long phone calls with my son, who is in Australia and have sat and wept after putting the 'phone down! He is being the most amazing parent and husband and I'm so proud of him. My body aches with the pain of seeing my lovely daughter in law in such desperation, especially after the long struggle to conceive this long awaited baby!

Today seemed hopeless and then I read your post! 🙂😥🙂 tears and smiles! Thank you so much. I am glad you've got to a happy place. I know my son's little family will too!

The weight ? .... well, I put on loads of weight after cancer treatment and still am overweighted, but, ..... it's better than the alternative!! 😉😊

Sometimes we are way too critical of ourselves! Best wishes Diptfordblue x